Friday, July 14, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #67 "The Celebrated Flying Pig of Backroads County"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. This week I give you a tasty offering of science fiction, an anthropomorphic hero, and a public service announcement for sunscreen. I see you licking your lips in anticipation! Get this one before it goes out of fake print. It's just what the doctor and PETA and the Isaac Asimov Society ordered!


The Celebrated Flying Pig of Backroads County

Maxwell knew he shouldn't fly so close to the sun. He knew he shouldn't fly at all. But what's a pig to do, when people get so gosh-darn excited about special events that will only happen when PIGS FLY?

Maxwell likes being the center of attention. Or a national marketing campaign. He's not yelling "WHEEEE" now, though. Nobody has offered him a pinwheel to hold out the window of the spaceship where he's currently being anally probed. Just like nobody offered him sunscreen when he flew too close to the sun, and was picked up by those curious folks who, telepathically, told him, "We think you have good taste. Now for the testing."

Will Maxwell escape their clutches before all that's left of him is his squeal? (127 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Pork Belly Futures..."At least we HAVE a future. Unlike tasty Maxwell, and this Thevictorian woman. We put no stock in her fake work."

Truffle-Hunting Pigs..."Hang in there, Maxwell! We’re rootin’ for you! Can't say the same for this fake author. Her fake book should be buried so that it never sees the light of day. Thevictorian is a real ham, and her fake writing is nothing to truffle with." 

Silk Purse..."No, I am NOT made from Maxwell's ear. Nor any other part of his crispy, cracklin' epidermis. But I can assure you of one thing: I'm a way better bag than Val Thevictorian. Somebody should tote her, over-the-shoulder, to the nearest coat check or baggage-handling station, and then conveniently lose the ticket."

A Football..."I AM made from some of Maxwell's epidermis, and I'm ashamed to admit it. Though not as ashamed as I'd be if I was made by Thevictorian, from words randomly compiled all willy-nilly in her imagination."

Bacon..."Alas, even I cannot give Val Thevictorian good taste. Her writing lacks sizzle."

Jimmy Dean..."Let's get right to the meat of the issue. This fake book is full of filler. There is very little organic material in Thevictorian's writing. Even if she spiced it up, her story would still be tasteless."

That waitress in the movie Porky's, putting down the phone..."Has anybody seen Mike Hunt? I'm pretty sure people would rather see Mike Hunt, given the choice of Mike Hunt or Thevictorian's fake book."

Chicken in a Biscuit..."Remember me? Yeah. THAT is going to be YOUR future, Thevictorian. Except nobody is ever going to have a taste for you, or rue your demise."


21 comments:

  1. That was a good one, well done you and oh poor Maxwell. I hope you are well, warm greetings to you!

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    1. Thank you. Hope YOU are doing better than Maxwell!

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  2. This story is worse than anything Stephen King ever wrote.

    Porky Pig

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    1. That's all? Folks! Don't listen to Porky! Don't make Val go all "Carrie" on your rumpuses!

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  3. The plot of this book seems to just sizzle away, I am not sure that I could stomach it, so I will have to say no to fake buying the fake book The Celebrated Flying Pig of Backroads County.

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    1. A single Pepcid tablet is all you need to stomach this fake book. I might look into a marketing deal that can attach one to each copy.

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    2. A fake marketing deal for a fake stomach problem attached to a fake book...this could work!

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  4. Again, Val, we went off into two different directions. I picked this photo because I had no clue what I'd write about it.

    Thanks for playing along. As usual, you packed a lot of puns into your blurb and the reviews.

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    1. No clue? You and me both, Madam! Plus, I had no internet until Thursday after 2:00, so I couldn't even take a gander at the picture and let my creative juices flow and my thoughts marinate!

      I'm pretty sure I could not have taken your direction. The gas station chicken is strong in Val, and no inkling of life without meat has ever inkled in her being.

      I appreciate you putting up the next week's picture a week ahead of time, though. Maybe I'll even start copying it to my computer, so I'll have it if my internet goes down again. Not that I'll actually work ahead, mind you...

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  5. The plot seems a bit tasteless, so I wouldn't buy this fake book.

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    1. If you come here for good taste...I'm pretty sure you've been disappointed before now!

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    2. Heck no! I love coming here :)

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    3. As long as you understand the risks!

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  6. You must have an exceptionally large brain. I'm amazed at all the info your retain and your ability to make me laugh out loud with your fake reviews. Jimmy Dean...fillers.

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    1. Hick may soon have to build a shed for your brain!!

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    2. Linda: Thanks, but I believe my brain is regulation size, though I might have been accused of getting a BIG HEAD once or twice.

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    3. fishducky: I hope it's shaped like an ACTUAL brain! And that Hick paints it gray, for gray matter. And that he doesn't cut open my head to use my brain for a model.

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    4. There's plenty of brain photos on the internet, Hick could copy from one of those, just larger. Real big.

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    5. River: Good to know. Now all I have to do is find Hick a way to get on the internet. Once he completely retires, he won't have access! I don't know HOW he's going to search eBay for old beer trays, and look for cheap auto parts.

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  7. Poor Maxwell. I kind of feel sorry for him. I hope he gets away without too much trouble! I would hate for him to start singing, "This little piggy went to market, this piggy went too close to the sun..."

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    1. Yeah. Nobody wants to hear that! If they did, then the saying would be: When pigs sing.

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