Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #68 "You May Now Eat the Bride"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. This week we celebrate the sanctity of marriage, the union of man and woman, the melding of flavors in a wedding cake you won't dare stick in the freezer for ten years. Or will you? Imagine the surprise of a new future mate, opening up your freezer, and seeing this top layer! Wait! You don't have to imagine! Val has fake-written a fake book about it! Fake-order your fake copy now, before others beat you to the money tree.

You May Now Eat the Bride

Cynthia has looked forward to this day for as long as she can remember. But now Marcus might be just a little too zealous with that knife. Her cake is one of a kind. Not only is it a tasty combination of french vanilla and devil's food cake, covered with rich buttercream icing...it also has filling!

The bridal cake contains many delicacies, just waiting to be revealed. Tootsie rolls, a variety of corns, fish tacos, pie, pork butt, buns, a breadbasket, ribs, liver, melons, tongue, and brains. No sausage, though! And Marcus has promised a knuckle sandwich to anybody who gets too fresh. With his bride, OR her cake. Now Cynthia is tipsy on champagne, and has announced to the crowd, "EAT ME!"

Will Marcus be able to control his over-possessive nature, or will this turn out to be a marriage made in Not-Heaven? (144 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Bride of Frankenstein..."This fake book must be fake-written in some kind of dead language. The plot has trouble coming to life. It's almost as if the fake story was cobbled together from individual parts that have no relation to each other."

Frankenstein..."My little woman no like this fake book. Fake book bad. Fire good. For burning fake book."

Bachelor Party..."We have taken a pole, and everyone agrees that Thevictorian should be stripped of her writing credentials."

Bachelorette Party..."When we heard the sirens and saw the taut, muscular physiques of the cops, we were sure they were the Chippendales we ordered. Unfortunately, they were real policemen, in top shape, looking for Val Thevictorian, to arrest her for grand theft biblio."

Say Yes to the Dress..."Say NO to this book!"

Brides on the show Four Weddings..."Thank all that is holy that Thevictorian did not write a fake book about EACH or our weddings!"

Train..."I had a difficult time following this plot."

Veil..."The way this fake author was concealed from the public, and then revealed for the hack that she really is...has got to be one of the greatest cover-ups in literary history."

Flower Girl..."I scatter these petals to conceal the stench of this fake author's fake writing. Yes, though I am quite precocious, I choose to eschew political correctness, and nip the funereal bouquet of this fake book in the bud."

Ring Bearer..."The pillow upon which this wedding ring sits is what I would need to sit on, after the whipping my father would have given me, had I engaged in stringing together such a band of fake words."

Something Old..."Thevictorian is getting a little long in the tooth to be writing about weddings, isn't she?"

Something New..."Uh...I think I'm in the wrong place! Nothing NEW has ever been associated with this fake author."

Something Borrowed..."I'm the dollar that Val Thevictorian handed that red-headed alcoholic in line at the gas station chicken store this week. So glad my alcoholic put me to good use on the half-pint of whiskey, rather than squandering me on this fake book."

Something Blue..."I'm only blue because I'm so depressed that I spent my fake money and took the fake time to fake-read this fake book. Does anybody have a spare Abilify so I can get rid of this dark cloud that has started following me around?"