Monday, February 9, 2015

You Can't Take Hick Out of the Country, Because You Can't Take the Country Out of Hick

Saturday I dropped The Pony off at the local junior college to take the ACT. He's taken it a couple of times already, but he's chasing that elusive perfect score of 36. Right now his official score is 34. He thinks he did well this time, having been able to go back and check his answers on all parts before time ran out. He said there were only three math problems on which he was not sure, but he had narrowed it down to a 50-50 chance with his answers. AND he says he will still be disappointed if he only moves up to a 35, which is the top score his brother Genius attained. Other kids think he's nuts, because the Missouri average composite score for 2014 was 21.8, what with testing 76% of all high school graduates, not just the college-bound elite.

After abandoning my young nerd, I went to Walmart for some unobserved Valentine shopping. I stashed my purchases in T-Hoe's rear end and headed home to catch up on some neglected chores until it was time to return for The Pony.

As Even Steven would have it, Hick turned up as I arrived. That's how it always is. Hick has some kind of sixth sense that acts as a GPS for my whereabouts. He needs a box of Tic-Tacs in his pocket, like Elaine gave The Sidler down at J. Peterman. Wherever Val goes, so goes Hick. At least around the homestead, where I can't escape him by vehicle.

There he was, revealed as I opened the garage door, standing just outside the people door fiddling around with the pet food. "I got you biscuits!" Hick said, proudly holding a clear plastic bag of pink and green bone-shaped dog biscuits over his head like a leather drawstring bag of gold dust. He came through the garage and started for the rear of T-Hoe.

"Wait! You can't go back there!"

"Why not? I was going to help you carry things in." Hick opened the passenger door to inquire.

"Because I have Valentine stuff in there. So leave it. And leave me alone. I have to go in the house first, before I get it out, because I have to go to the bathroom."

"I have to go to the bathroom, too." Hick usually tries to outdo me, like that Kristen Wiig character, Penelope, on SNL who used to one-up every claim by every other person.

"I have to go first! Which bathroom are you going in?"

"The one right around the corner. The outdoor bathroom!"

And with that, Hick walked out the garage people door, turned right down the brick sidewalk, and stood in the front yard facing the gravel road. No. He did not have a toilet, nor a urinal, in his outdoor bathroom.


  1. They really are related ...... We had "work camper" once who really liked his beer. The more he drank, the less he cared about the spot he relieved himself in. He was seen on a camper's site watering the neatly stacked pile of firewood. He was asked to leave soon after that. My husband is careful to make sure he isn't witnessed.

    Recently on Facebook I was thinking what a lovely picture my 19 year old grandson had posted of the ski slopes in Colorado (he lives there and works in a resort until he can figure out what he would like to be when he finally grows up). I hit the like button before I looked down to see the comment my daughter had left for her son. Apparently if you zoomed in on the scene that included my grandson, you could see the arc of urine coming from his body, no body part, but the stream of urine was enough for my daughter to shame him.

  2. Just marking his territory.

    35? Like that's good? I got 750 which is way higher than...what? Wait a second, Mrs C is reading over my shoulder...

    Oh,SAT's are different...never mind.

  3. I don't think I've ever gotten a "perfect" on anything in my life. Your boys are definitely brainiacs.

  4. What a bright bulb The Pony is! I'm sure Hick claims that's due to HIS genetic contribution, right?

  5. Why would anyone want to take Hick out of the country anyway. I'm guessing his well fertilized roots go way too deep for that to ever happen.

  6. One of SWMBO's bosses showed me once how he liked to pee in the corner of his yard. And it was a small yard. I don't know about that.

  7. Kathy,
    As Elaine said when informed of the "shrinkage" phenomenon..."I don't know how (you) guys walk around with those things."

    Yeah, Genius had east coast dreams with a midwestern income. He took parts of the SAT in the city, because nobody gives it down here, but I don't remember his scores. That test is foreign to me. I think 800 is top, right? If I had to guess, I would say he scored in the mid 600s. He only took the biology and chemistry subject tests, as I recall, and was not happy with his performance.

    My boys are so smart they don't pee in the yard.

    Hick knows who butters his bread. He knows better than to lose his butterer. So he won't be overheard taking credit. Genius got his mechanical aptitude, but The Pony got none.

    Perhaps the ransomers of Red Chief would want to take Hick out of the country. Briefly.

    Okay. I think there's a bigger problem there than pee in a small yard.

  8. They used to be 1600 for perfect. 800 math, 800 verbal. Now I think they added another 800 for a written part. I barely pushed over 1000 years ago, which was not particularly good. In college I was constantly asked "How the F did you get accepted with those scores. I still don't know.