I KNEW There was a Conspiracy Afoot

Ah...autumn in Missouri. Temperatures in the fifties Saturday afternoon, and in the upper seventies Sunday.

Thank goodness our air conditioner broke this summer when temps hovered at one-hundred-seven for several days. Because now we have a working AC/heating unit. Funny how at first the repair guy put in coolant. Then a week later, upon the second breakdown, said we needed the whole heat pump thingy replaced. Oh, and on his way out, decided that maybe the thermostat was the problem. So he hooked us up with a new one. Free of charge. And even took the old one to dispose of.

Everything has been working throughout the late summer and fall. Cool nights? Hick switched it over to heat upon rising in the crisp morning chill. And when Genius got home from school first, he put it back on cool to maintain comfort. I, myself, have not inspected the new thermostat. The old one gave me a headache. It was top of the line. State of the art. A gadget man's gadget. Only the best for Hick. He is like my dad used to be about owning only Craftsman tools. If he was a car man, he would walk around spouting, "Porsche. There IS no substitute." And he would not be quoting Tom Cruise as Joel Goodson in Risky Business.

That old thermostat was a cool dude. Like Ferris Bueller. It would hold the heat, hold the cool. Heck, it would have held the pickle, held the lettuce, and sang, "...special orders don't upset us," like a squeaky clean teen in 1973 Burger King commercial. He was simply amazing. He could bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan, all the while never letting Hick forget he was a man. Not to say that Thermo was feminine, or a wearer of Enjoli or anything. He and I peacefully co-existed. Hick would sometimes program him to run cold during winter days, and warm up just before we got home. Saw that he kicked it down a notch overnight, while were were tucked snug as bugs in rugs with visions of comfortable temperatures dancing in our heads.

The new thermostat is a piece of crap.

Today I felt a bit warm upon ascending from my cool basement lair to prepare the evening meal. I knew Thermy had been set on heat for the recent spate of cool days and nights. I stopped by to take a look. No door to open like Thermo used to have. Thermy simply had a button on the front to slide amongst four settings. Emergency, heat, off, cool. That's it. I called for Genius. Asked him to put it on the setting that would run the heat at night, and the AC during the day. He laughed. "That piece of crap doesn't have one."

Hick is going on a business trip tomorrow. I must be able to fend for myself in the event that Genius is out gallivanting around. When Hick tromped in for supper, I asked him about the new thermostat. How to make it heat and cool without manually switching settings. "Oh, you just put it on AUTO." I heard Genius chuckle. He hollered that no such setting existed on Thermy. Hick begged to differ. He turned on the light. He fetched his glasses. He poked and prodded. "Huh."

So we have the cheapest thermostat in the history of the world. Except, perhaps, for some prehistoric creature that Fred and Wilma Flintstone used for their heating and cooling needs. Like their point-beaked bird to play their phonograph records. And their pelican trash can and warthog garbage disposal.

This situation will be remedied forthwith upon Hick's return.