Friday, August 24, 2012

Val, the Universal Antithesis

I seem to have a magnetic personality. Through no effort on my part, people and creatures and erosional materials are drawn to me.

*Drivers cross the center line just to get my attention.

*Ticks take flight, jumping and parasailing like tiny arachnid flying squirrels, to feast on my very being.

*Students cluster outside my door before school, even though they know they belong elsewhere.

*A patina of windblown soil coats my black Tahoe like fairy dust, letting everyone know how special I am.

*Shoppers converge on the empty aisle as soon as the nose of my cart enters.

*Folks I don't even know call me to inquire as to my political beliefs.

I'm not that special. Really. I only seem attractive. Because I oppose everything in the universe.


  1. Sounds like someone needs a bowl of catnip!

  2. Stephen,
    With a side of 44 oz. Diet Coke. And maybe a gas station chicken leg. And while we're at it, a pack of little chocolate donuts.

    Maybe it's not my magnetic personality, but my gravitational pull. Today a blue-tick hound in a red collar darted out of the woods and into my path. I slammed on my anti-lock brakes and avoided a roadkill. He escaped by the margin of a single blue-tick hair on his chinny chin chin.