Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Road Barrier

No. It was not a concrete structure keeping me from my travels. It was a person. And believe me, he was no Mel Gibson. No road warrior. So I have chosen to name him The Road Barrier.

We met this morning at 7:05 a.m. The time when the sun is creeping over the horizon. Brightly. On a blind uphill curve, with a long semi loaded with rock bearing down on me from the oncoming lane, The Road Barrier and I became acquainted. He scuffed along in the middle (yes, I said THE MIDDLE) of my traffic lane, even though a five-foot swath of only partially-littered wet grass was available for his transportation needs. He did not deign to turn. To meet my eye over his shoulder. On he plodded, giving no quarter, insouciantly swinging his see-through grocery sack, two apples swaying like fake testicles on the tow-hitch of a rebel-flag-decaled pickup truck. Apparently, he had missed the memo: roads are not for walking.

The Road Barrier gave not a smidgen. Not a skosh. He owned that piece of pavement, by cracky, and was yielding for no vehicle. I slammed on my anti-lock brakes. Came to a complete stop. In the road. On a blind uphill curve. To keep from killing him. He would have been safer with Gordie and Vern, traipsing over the railroad trestle high above the Castle River, on a quest to discover the body of Ray Brower out on Back Harlow Road.

I call for the state of Missouri to initiate a walkers license, requiring all walkers to pass a written test, and a perambulation test, every two years. Our roads will be safer. Our revenue will increase.

Let's make it happen.


  1. A license for street walkers? I think it might have some appeal...

  2. Geeze my knees are still knocking over that knucklehead.

  3. How much will this license cost?? How many people will just refuse to get one? Think how many drive without a license ....
    Maybe he had a death wish, strolling along like that.

  4. Sioux,
    There's revenue involved. And regulations for proper streetwalking behavior. I don't see how we could go wrong. At the very least, it might prevent some people from striding along like they've got suitcases weighting down their arms.

    I did have a slight case of the shakes after letting him live.

    Let's set the fee at five dollars. It must be renewed every year. If caught walking without a license, you have to pay a fine of one hundred dollars. And have an escort for your streetwalking for thirty days.