Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Does This Thermostat Make My Butt Look Fat?

I gained two pounds today.

I know you're all shocked. Shocked! That a regime of 44 oz. Diet Cokes and gas station chicken for an entire summer, coupled with sitting in a mostly cool basement, would not result in a stunning weight loss. Life just isn't fair sometimes, is it?

But before you jump to a too-personal conclusion, I must add that the excess poundage was not discovered when I stepped on the scale that resides next to the refrigerator. Seriously. Why would I step on a scale? I'm not one to go looking for trouble. It finds me easily enough on its own.

No, I found out that I gained two pounds when the heating and cooling man handed me a yellow bill. Not a yellow bill, like from a cute, downy, snow-white duck. That would be gruesome. I certainly would not allow such a man to service my air conditioner! Nor would I condone his actions! Ducks should not be separated from their quackers. Because then they don't need Chapstick, and even if they wanted some, they could not tell the merchant, "Put it on my bill." Unless, of course, the merchant had ripped off the duck's bill himself. But why would he do that, when he could make more money repairing heat pumps?

The yellow bill was a piece of paper showing that I owed $184 for freon. TWO POUNDS of freon. Because I haven't spent enough time sweating this summer without the use of my air conditioner due to power outages. Nope. Let the power flow, and let my AC unit run its fan for 24 hours nonstop pushing tepid air through the ductwork, requiring me to fire up the exhaust fan after outside temps dipped below inside temps, thus using up even more kilowatts to suck cooler humid air inside my abode while huffing the hot air up and out through the attic.

Is there any snow in the forecast?


  1. Freon is a bargain at any price. It makes triple digits bearable. And makes me not care if my butt is fat. Nice to meet you at Donna's blog.

  2. Sorry, I feel your pain but I don't think snow is in the forecast. Keep cool.

  3. Hi Val,
    Freon is definitely not free, but it is priceless during a heat wave.

  4. Freon is priceless, when you consider the alternative: if Val is not kept cool, Val will get overheated then Val will lose her temper and ultimately, someone else will lose their life.

  5. Your quacker paragraph cracked me up! I read it at least five times thinking, "What is she thinking?" Then I thought The Bloggess had taken over your mind for a paragraph and then I laughed some more!

  6. Have you cooled down yet? My husband hands a clerk change and says, "I just lost two pounds." He THINKS he's funny; they think he's senile. I think you're funny.

  7. Carol,
    Ounce for ounce, I find freon even more necessary than my daily 44 oz. Diet Coke.

    YOU, my friend, are what my students refer to as a fun-sucker. I prefer to live my life on the premise that SOMEWHERE, snow is in the forecast. And I could be moving this way!

    Yes, the name is quite misleading. But I suppose the du Pont folks knew better than to call it EXPENSIVON.

    Pardon me, Ma'am, if I do not call you as a character witness at my trial.

    Sometimes I let my mind free-flow like that. Okay, most times I let my mind free-flow. But I usually reign it in. In the name of good taste, you know.

    I heartily enjoyed the book of The Bloggess. But I have not read her blog. To me, she might as well be The Bookess. Maybe it's a good thing to wait for another book. Because I wouldn't want to be influenced by her musings. I am not worthy. My writing is not fit for comparison to a single thread unraveled from the rich tapestry of her life story. After the talking squirrel tale in her book, I have no doubt that there's a bloody duck beak quacking to get out.

    I am cool as a cucumber. Cool as a skater dude wearing a knit beanie in July. Cool as a cheerleader nominated for homecoming queen. I am the epitome of coolness. Thanks for asking.

    At least Bill doesn't make that two-pound comment to the bathroom attendant upon exiting the stall. OR DOES HE?

  8. That's one thing that most homes don't worry about here in New Zealand--the homes are devoid of central heat or air conditioning. I do hope the bill was worth it!

  9. bettyl,
    Once it got fixed right, the money was well-spent. I have read in my science texts that some towns in NZ utilize geothermal heat to keep their homes warm. I hope that's not just a fairy tale that the publishers are feeding me.

    1. It is true, Val, but in very few communities. A tv ad for heat pumps says that most NZ homes are below World Health Organizations standards. That part I do believe.

    2. At least there's SOME truth in those texts, then. Where there's smoke, there's fire. Or more appropriately, where there's geothermal steam, there's molten rock under the surface.