Hick is not a stickler for following medical advice. He's more of a HICKler. He makes up the instructions as he goes along.
When The Pony brought Hick home a couple hours after his gallbladder surgery, Hick had a folder of discharge information. The Pony had gone over it with a nurse, and had signed paperwork. He remembered what he'd read a couple hours before. He IS a former valedictorian, you know! He gave me the condensed version, then I read it for myself.
I sat down on the short couch, to talk to Hick, who was reclining in the recliner, a bit drowsy, as to be expected after anesthesia and a 60-minute operation. I had run my hand across Hick's forehead, and asked if he was feeling okay, and whether there was anything I could get for him.
"Your prescription is on the cutting block. I guess if they gave you a pain pill at noon, you probably can't take one until at least 4:00."
"No, Mom. They said every 8 hours! I'll go look at his pill bottle."
"Okay. I didn't open the bag. Mine was always every four. Maybe he has something powerful."
"No. It says every 8 hours. It looks like some kind of opioid with codeine."
"It said hydrocodone. I read it on the tag with the receipt. That's the standard painkiller I had for my thyroid surgery. Maybe it's a stronger dose."
"I don't need nothin' right now anyway. The Pony got me this ice water. I'm supposed to drink a lot of water. It don't hurt much, except in my belly button. And my belly because I need to take a poop."
"Do you want me to get you something for that when I go to the store tomorrow?"
"No. I'll get it tomorrow when I go to the storage locker."
"Um. You don't have any business going up there! You just had surgery. You need to take it easy for a couple days."
"I don't feel bad."
"You have air pumper thingies on your legs!"
"I'm supposed to leave them on for 24 hours. I can wear them up there."
"You shouldn't be sitting with your legs down. And I know you can't lift stuff."
"Somebody will pull my stuff out front for me."
"Take the Acadia, so you don't have to pull yourself up onto the truck running board."
"I can do that. I can sit in the back of the Acadia hatch and put my feet up if I'm tired."
"You don't need to be driving at all, though! Your instructions say not to drive until 24 hours after you've taken a pain pill."
"I'll be fine. I might go down to Casino Town on Saturday, to buy some guns."
"That's not a good idea at all!"
"I'll be fine."
"You need to follow your discharge instructions."
"Here. I might as well read them."
I laid out a snack for Hick to have around 9:00, to go with his hydrocodone. Some Ritz crackers, and cheddar cheese. When I got up Friday morning around 8:00, Hick was gone. So I went back to bed. He showed up again at 11:00, when I was in the kitchen taking my morning meds. He'd picked up some Dulcolax at his pharmacy for his intestinal issues.
"I seen it on TV. It says it works with the water in your system to make you poop. The bottle said you can take no more than 3 a day. You can take them all at once, or spread them out. I took 2."
"I can't believe you drove to town. I would have gotten them for you."
"I'm fine."
"But you had that pain medicine last night at 9:00, and it hadn't even been 12 hours when you left. It said to wait 24 hours before driving."
"I took another one about 7:30, before I left for town."
"WHAT? You're going to kill somebody besides yourself. You can't drive while you're on that!"
"I'm fine. I'm going down to Bill-Paying Town now, to see a guy about a gun."
As you clutch your pearls in horror, you'd better sit down. When Hick showed up back home Friday evening, I discovered that he'd driven 90 miles to Casino Town! And back! Oh, and that's not all. Hick had taken 2 MORE of those Dulcolax pills! Which is 4, in 12 hours, which is certainly more than the maximum of 3 in 24 hours. When asked if he had been drinking water like he was supposed to, Hick said,
"Yeah. I drank a whole bottle of water today."
It's really hard to keep Hick alive.
Men what can I say?
ReplyDeleteI KNOW! In the past, Hick has set an alarm to wake himself up from a restful sleep every 4 hours, to take COUGH MEDICINE, because it said to take "every 4 hours as needed."
DeleteAND he poured it into a serving spoon, rather than use the little plastic marked "Kyle Crocodile" doser that came with the boys' prescriptions.
And, if he died people would wonder why you did not nurse him better. It will be all your fault.
ReplyDeleteOh, it will be all my fault! Some might even suggest that they're pretty sure I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO KILL HICK for years now...
DeleteAre all men in denial?? Thank the good Lord that He gave husbands intelligent wives.
ReplyDeleteBeing in denial makes them feel like they are in control. Heh, heh. We know who REALLY controls them.
DeleteAnd exactly how big was this bottle of water that Hick drank with no witnesses? I think you need to tie him to a chair while the recovery process does its thing. A potty chair after all that dulcolax! He really should be sitting with his feet up for at least half the day for a few days.
ReplyDeleteIt looked like about 20 ounces. He DID hold up an empty bottle. It was by his recliner, so he must have just imbibed it, after going without fluids all day during his 3-hour drive and jaunt of neighboring counties.
DeleteHe SHOULD be sitting with his feet up and napping, at least a couple hours a day. But no. He went to that darn Storage Unit Store. Where he didn't need a potty chair, because he used the PORT-A-POTTY!
At least the Dulcolax finally worked. He also got some Golden Delicious apples from the Ponytail Guy, which would most likely have solved his problem naturally. AND The Pony had a big box of raisins that he offered.