It's a Travesty, the Way Hick Handled the Ponytail Guy's Meat

NOOOOOOO!

 

That is the agonized cry of Val and The Pony when we realized what Hick had done to the Ponytail Guy's meat. We had our mouths all set for it. Had been dreaming about it all day. Only to be repulsed when the Ponytail Guy's meat was revealed by Hick.

 

As you recall, Hick said he got more chicken patties. I decided we would make use of chicken patties, with a meal of sandwiches and another of chicken patty parm. I already had some hamburger buns for our sandwiches, and some crispy frozen fries for a side dish. Hick and The Pony turned down the offer of a salad, so I didn't bother to make one for myself.

 

I came upstairs to get those fries in the oven. The Pony came out to help. He had skipped lunch, looking forward to the crispy white-meat chicken patty sandwiches. He was making his special sauce for them. I put him to work opening the bag of fries and putting them on a foil-covered pizza pan for crisping.

 

"Hand me the chicken patties that Dad said he was bringing over from the BARn."

 

"Uh. I guess this is a bag of chicken patties. They're not frozen..."

 

"Dad said when he got them Friday that he put them in the refrigerator, because he figured we'd be eating them. So, yeah. I didn't expect them frozen right now."

 

"Okay. They don't look like the other chicken patties."

 

"No. They don't. There's no breading! These are NOT going to be crispy. And they're GRAY!"

 

"Are you sure they're chicken. Look at the label."

 

"It SAYS they're chicken. Processed chicken pieces..."

 

"Yeah. They're definitely different."

 

"Ooh! They're slimy! And limp! Look how thin they are! That's not even a quarter-inch! No way we can have a sandwich. It will be all bread! I guess I can make 4 for each of us. For two sandwiches. I'm putting BBQ sauce on ours so there's some flavor. Do you want some?" 

"No. I'll have my sauce with ketchup and garlic aioli."

"Ooh! Smell them! Not good!"

"Yeah. They don't smell like chicken."

"And look here. There's something green. It's in all of them. Not on the surface. Little dots of it IN the meat. I think that's peppers? Would that explain the smell?"

"Let me read the ingredients. No. Nothing says peppers. But it says SEASONING. I guess it could be seasoning."

"One side has those hash marks. I think maybe this is actually sausage. Take one to Dad on this plate, to let him see it and smell it."

"Okay... Dad says he thinks it's sausage. Chicken sausage."

"It DOES look like that fake stuff that casino breakfast buffets put out in Oklahoma. Great. I already put BBQ sauce on ours."

Sooo... we ate chicken sausage patties on bun, instead of crispy white-meat chicken patties. I further grilled Hick on his handling of the Ponytail Guy's meat.

"Were these even frozen when you got them? I hope they weren't left over from LAST WEEK, when you didn't get a box from him."

"They were half-frozen. When I got them up at the lockers. I guess they'd been frozen."

"Great. We're all going to get food poisoning, starting with diarrhea, and we'll ALL BE COUNTED AS VIRUS DEATHS!"

"We'll be fine, Val. You're too dramatic. It's FREE meat."

After eating his "chicken" sandwiches, Hick agreed that they weren't very good. I put a lot of shredded lettuce, with mayo, on mine. They were okay. The BBQ sauce did them no favors. The seasoning reminded me of something in boxed Stove Top Stuffing.

No way am I making chicken sausage patty parm. The dogs will be eating chicken sausage patties for a treat until they're gone.Though I feel a little bad about it, for the dogs' sake.