Wednesday, August 14, 2019

With Faux Sadness, I Announce: Hick Has Lost His Head

Don't you worry about Val. The loss of Hick's head doesn't affect her in the least! It's not like Hick actually used his head every day. Or even occasionally. It's been years, I think, since Hick even remembered that he had a head.

Of course, when Hick discovered last week that he'd lost his head, he was a little bit sad. At one time, he was pretty attached to his head. He's asked for it for Christmas one year, and The Pony and I bought it for him at an indoor flea market. The Pony had to show me where to find Hick's head. But I'm the one who asked for it, and paid the bill. $65 for Hick's head! I think he was worth it. He'd been wanting a head for a long time.

I have pictures. You might not want to look at them. Hick's head is lost, but it's not gone. The pictures show the carnage. If you have a weak constitution, you may not want to look. Or you might want to make sure you're sitting down, and have some smelling salts strapped around your neck so if you fall over, they may land near your nostrils and revive you. We'll start with the tale of Hick's head, so you can mentally prepare yourself, and decide on whether you want to see the pictures.

"I went down to my cabin, and there was crumbs of stuff all over the floor! Then I saw what it was! I guess them mice down there have eat my deer head! The nose and antlers was on the floor!"

"Was the head still on the wall?"

"Some of it."

Later that night, I hollered up the stairwell: "If you go down to the creek, send me a picture of your mouse head. I mean DEER head! Eaten by the mice!"

It took a while. I guess maybe Hick had to recover from the trauma. Here come the pics.

Yeah. That's little bits of fur. I don't see the nose, myself. Or the antlers. Maybe Hick set them aside. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough. I saw that book, though! I swear is says PASSION. And it's laying face down.

Has Hick been reading romance novels on the sly? I asked him, and at first he denied having a book down there. Maybe because I accused it of being pr0n. Pic means it happened! He was looking within seconds. Said it was a western! About a man who married a woman who sent for her daughter, who the man's buddy wanted to marry his son. Pretty quick with that synopsis. I might believe him...

Here's the neck. Hick says his deer head was mounted in 1962. Because he looked at the newspaper stuffed inside, and that was the date. So now that Hick has finished reading his pr0n romance novel, he's reading deer-neck newspapers.

Okay. Get ready. Here comes the head! Hick took it outside on the porch for the photo.

Not quite so majestic any more. I do feel sympathy for Hick. His head was attached to some good memories. He'd go down to his creekside cabin at the first cold snap (I'm sure NOT to get away from me and the boys), and start up a fire in his wood stove. He'd brew a pot of tea. Call in our old dog Grizzly, the half lab/half beagle, shaped like a large beagle, but colored like a chocolate lab. That looks like Juno's footprints by the bald deer head. She won't go inside the cabin, but Grizzly liked to sleep in the warmth of the wood stove while Hick read his romance novel.

I don't know if Hick will want another head.

14 comments:

  1. Have to say that the deer head should go onto to the deer nether world.

    What romance book is he reading?

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    1. I can't tell. I even flipped the photo 180 degrees and zoomed in and enlarged it, but I can't read the spine.

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  2. Mice have no shame or regards for the things we humans treasure!! With HeWho sick, I noted that he seems to like soap operas ….

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    1. He's probably just looking at the women, with his hearing aids not even turned up.

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  3. I enlarged the photo and I don't think that word is passion, the final letter appears to be a V. Ask Hick if you can read the book once he's finished, then you'll know for sure.
    I'm not a fan of animal heads on walls, so I'm not too sorry about the deer. I thought at first someone had bought or stolen the head under the cast iron pan.

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    1. That's an N. It looks distorted. The three words, in increasing font size, are DESIRE, PASSION, LOVE. Doesn't sound like a western to me!

      There's been no monkey business with Hick's cast iron pans. No other missing heads.

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  4. You, perhaps my dear, should be WRITING Hick's, er, "romance" novels. Just sayin'.

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    1. I don't want to take a chance on plagiarizing. I just watched the last 2/3 of "Boogie Nights" a few days ago. I'd have watched the whole thing, but I didn't know it was on until I was flipping channels.

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  5. Oh the humanity!

    Wait..."the man's buddy wanted to marry his son" Maybe not porn, but a little kinky!

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    1. The man's buddy wanted THE WOMAN'S DAUGHTER SHE SENT FOR to marry his son. Not shouting at you, just emphasizing the important part. I'm only telling it the way Hick told me, so it's not surprising that relationships are not well-defined.

      In a related incident, it took 30 minutes tonight for Hick to explain how a fence-stretcher works. I was getting tomorrow's post ready, and I almost passed out from laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

      Let the record show that Hick's method of "explaining" involves the same exact words and sentences over and over, louder each time. He also used half a bag of Corn On the Cob flavored popcorn, folded over, with a chip clip on it, to represent the fence-stretcher.

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    2. Reminds me of a smaller novel I have on my shelf here called Mail Order Bride, it's a western, sort of, where a man sends away to the east for a bride to help on his new ranch and the woman turns up with a small daughter. Anyway, many years later the son of the mail order bride is grown up and running amok getting drunk in saloons etc and the original man's partner comes back and is upset at seeing the ranch going to ruin, so he sets about straightening out the young man and eventually sends away for another mail order 'bride" who then turns up with a young daughter or son I can't remember exactly which, I'll have to read the book again.

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    3. I guess Hick's book didn't appeal to the mice. They didn't touch it!

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  6. I'm so sad for him and his head. The girls used to tell their friends that my head wasn't real it was a replacement head from when I was coaching and yelled my head off. Yeah that is my reputation with my children.

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    1. I will relay your sympathies to Hick. My boys were okay with my head, but the rumor was that either I didn't have a heart, or it was referred to as my cold, cold heart. I had them both in my 9th grade physical science class, and the topic came up when we discussed the theoretical value of absolute zero.

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