Of course Hick has encountered a new character at his Storage Unit Store.
Last Sunday, Gun-Buying Buddy came over to Hick's knife-and-firearm boutique. He has his own storage unit store "across the way," as Hick calls the row of units facing his row across a wide expanse of gravel
"Gun-Buying Buddy came over to ask me what's wrong with the guy selling next to him. He said, 'That guy who's always hopping around here. He's crazy! He was talking about your Old Man Buddy, saying, 'If he don't keep his hands off my wife, I'm gonna shoot 'im!' I just thought you might want to warn your Old Man Buddy.'
I didn't like the sound of that at all. I called up the Storage Unit Owner, and told him. He said to go ahead and call the police, and have them come talk to him. And that he'd probably tell the guy he had to go. So I called the police, and they took statements, but The Butt Patter Crazy Guy had left."
"Well... don't sell him a gun!"
"I have no intention of selling him a gun!"
"It's always something! Did your Old Man Buddy do anything to that guy's wife?"
"NO! I'm 99.9 percent sure he didn't, anyway. The Butt Patter Crazy Guy said Old Man Buddy had been patting his wife on the butt!"
"Is he the kind of guy who would do something like that?"
"Not at all. He's 68 years old. His own wife is usually up there with him. I've never known him to do something like that."
"What about The Butt Patter Crazy Guy's Wife? Is she someone he might want to flirt with?"
"NOBODY wants to touch HER! She walks around there drunk every weekend. She's in her 50s. She's accused other guys of doing stuff, too."
Anyhoo... since then, the Storage Unit Owner has decided not to kick out The Butt Patter Crazy Guy. Hick is a bit perturbed. Not that it has anything to do with HIM. But another of his buddies got banned from up there for some conflict that was less than a threat to shoot somebody for butt-patting a wife.
"That don't seem fair, for him to kick out my buddy to 'avoid conflict,' he said. I've got a sneaking suspicion it's because The Butt Patter Crazy Guy's Wife has three storage units. So he's collecting rent on three units from her."
"What about your buddy?"
"He only had one unit. He wasn't real good about paying his rent."
"There you go! It's a business decision. I can't imagine kicking out anybody these days who's actually paying their rent!"
I'm pretty excited about the upcoming weekend. A good story might come out of it!
I certainly hope gunplay does not ensue!
ReplyDeleteThe Butt Patter Crazy Guy hopefully remembers how many units are selling guns! That's the best deterrent for a Butt Patter Crazy Guy: realizing that he's outgunned if he starts something.
DeleteMissouri is both an open-carry state, and a concealed-carry state. Anyone 19 or older can carry a gun, just strap it on like the Wild West, OR conceal it on their body, without a permit. You can't conceal it in a vehicle, though. It should be in the open if you're transporting it, not in the glove compartment.
Convicted felons can't have a gun, and you can't wave it around in a threatening manner, or have it near police offices, or prisons, or schools, or voting areas.
Other than that, just about anything goes. So around here, most people are able to control their actions (and only run their mouths), lest they find themselves surrounded by armed do-gooders who want to put the kibosh on their ne'er-do-well shenanigans.
Cities and certain municipalities might have stricter regulations. I don't know, I only know my area. It's rural, with lots of hunters, kids learn how to shoot, and take hunter safety classes. People don't panic at the sight of a gun, or assume it's going to be used for killing or robbing. Nor do the carriers go around pointing their gun all willy-nilly.
I almost met a butt patter guy once while having lunch in a hotel with my ex-the-first. Butt patter was a well-known TV personality and and well known for having his hands on women's butts while talking to them. My ex wanted to say hello to him, so I walked out and waited on the footpath. I didn't want my butt patted by that sleazeball.
ReplyDeleteI worked with a few shoulder-squeezers, and learned to keep my distance. But a butt patter is 10X worse!
DeleteSounds like the drunk wife might be stirring the pot to make her honey jealous. I'm sure this will be a continuing saga. Keep us abreast of the situation. See what I did there?
ReplyDeleteI DO see what you did there. I'll ask Hick if she is continuing to advertise her assets to temp a butt patter!
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