Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Rumors of My Birth Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Well. Some misinformed entities are heartily wishing happy birthday to me!

It's not that I am such a curmudgeon, or such a spring-chicken-wanna-be that I would look askance at sincere birthday wishes. But it's not time. I am still on one of my many 29th years. January is not the anniversary of Val's emergence into the world. Not a Capricorn is she. Stop trying to foist a celebration upon her.

AMC Movie Theaters want to give me a free large drink! What a thoughtful gift! How did the CEO of AMC know that Val enjoys her Diet Coke in vast quantities? It's like a psychic intervention. Those tricky giftsters at AMC have sent me a link to a coupon good for a birthday beverage. Funny how it says, "Not your birthday month? Click here to update your profile. We'll be sure to get it right next time." What is to keep me from printing that coupon, then claiming that January is not my birthday month? What is to keep me from printing twelve copies? Do you really think that the same clerk will be working the counter every time I try to redeem my free soda? Of course, I would have to moonlight at a second job in order to pay for the tickets and the popcorn. But the SODA is FREE!

Also on the birthday bandwagon is Writer's Digest. They are offering me 15% OFF my next purchase from their Writer's Digest Shop. I don't suppose it matters that I have yet to make any purchase from their Shop. So friendly and economical! They start out with a greeting of "Happy Birthday, GARRETT!" Um. Val is not a Garrett. Something seems to be amiss. All this time, all these offers and emails, Writer's Digest has had me confused with somebody else.

I feel like Elaine, being referred to as "Susie" by Peggy the office lady, who would not touch Elaine's water bottle, but drank out of one proffered by a dude that only had the inch of spit left in the bottom. Which spurred Elaine to rub her butt on Peggy's keyboard at a later time. Good thing she didn't go to that Peggy actress's other job, as a pathologist on the set of ER. They might have tracked Elaine by her butt DNA.

Sorry, Garrett. It must be a lonely birthday. I'll drink a toast of AMC Diet Coke to you.


  1. And when you have a really monumental birthday (as opposed to the -- anniversary of your 29th birthday) you can write your memoirs. And if your life has had nothing monumental happen to write about, you can buy someone elses...

  2. My hubby received a free birthday meal card from a local buffet. He handed it to the manager and said, "My birthday is in summer." The manager said, "No, it is today!"

    Whatever. Keep them coming.

  3. You're making me miss Seinfeld. Such a funny show.

  4. Go with Alice and celebrate 364/5 UN-birthdays. There are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents, and only one for birthday presents, you know. Free stuff from everyone looking to cash in on your moment in time.

  5. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. What does that even mean? A horse threw me off her back once, but I did not look into her mouth ....

  6. Sioux,
    And you can charge people $37.50 a ticket for Val's Reality Bus Tour. They'll want a snack. You might try muffin stumps or JujyFruit or Junior Mints. No full-size Snickers, though. The knife and fork would be dangerous on the bus.

    Well, as long as nobody asks for ID...I suppose it wouldn't hurt to allow people the joy of treating me to drink and reduced-price literature.

    No need to miss it. Seinfeld is on some channel at LEAST once a day. You may be able to channel-hop and get a craw full. As we say here on the chicken range.

    Sound advice. Though I hope you'll excuse me if I don't expound on the true meaning of Jabberwocky.

    The gift horse thing springs from the dastardly practice of giving away your old nag before it kicked off, thus saddling you with the task of digging a very big hole to bury the carcass. By unloading the elderly equine, you looked generous, not lazy. The recipient, however, would sometimes check the age of the no-spring-chicken hoofed beast, and discover that it was long in the tooth, and not suitable for regifting. Thus, Never Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth. Because you'll find out it's not such a gift after all, and a feud could be initiated.

  7. Kathy,
    I am snoopier than an unmanned drone over enemy territory. Or friendly territory. I am just nosy. I make it my business to know everything, and make up the things I do not know.