Monday, January 21, 2013

If I Knew You Were Comin' I'd Have Locked the Door

Oh! Hello...what are YOU doing here?

I thought I latched the door. I was only away for a minute. No, no. Make yourself comfortable. I was off submitting a spur-of-the-moment idea that took just a smidge of updating to be presentable. Kind of like a mother cleaning her offspring's face with her thumb, some mom-spit, and a little elbow grease.

Did you help yourself to some chili? I'm sure the pot was still on the stove. Sorry we didn't leave you three bowls to sample. It's just as well. I don't think you would have found any that was just right. I like my chili in a cup, piping hot. Genius prefers his in a styrofoam bowl, barely warm. And while you may suspect that Hick's is the elusive just right, it's not. Not unless you take yours all beans and hamburger and diced tomatoes and caramelized diced onions, with no liquid. The liquid I take special care to infuse with a variety of flavors. Chili powder, of course. Along with tomato sauce, Worcestershire sauce, steak sauce, Frank's Original Hot Wing Sauce, hickory barbecue sauce, ketchup, Heinz 57, some fresh-ground black pepper, and a dash of Splenda. I could drink that with a straw. Hick, not so much.

Are you tired? Need a nap? Good luck trying out the beds. The Pony's is located in the middle of a booby-trapped minefield of book stacks and clean clothing. Genius just washed his sheets and pillowcase and comforter (okay, he commanded ME to do it), so his bed is freshest. Good luck catching it at a time it is empty of Genius. My bed is an enter-at-your-own-risk proposition. Hick has the sniffles. That means the bed has the sniffles. Or at least the air space over the bed, which is fogged with Hick-sniffles throughout the night, courtesy of Hick's breather.

Perhaps you should look to a chair nap. The obvious choice is Hick's La-Z-Boy. But remember, that recliner has the sniffles. My basement recliner suffers from the same malady as Genius's bed: good luck finding it without me in it. The third choice is my office chair. It's kind of hard on the neck.

Wait! Where are you going? I'm trying to be hospitable. Drop in again sometime. We'll whittle a corncob pipe and chew the fat.


  1. I've heard the TRUE story of the three little pigs, but now it's the true story of Goldilocks. However, since I'm so overdue for a "hair dip," a more accurate nickname for me would be "Rat-i-locks" since my coifffure is currently the color of rat fur.

  2. Did I read you are submitting something? That's wonderful. I just stopped by before I head off to bed. Kids go back to school tomorrow, which means I have to get up early, but sometimes I just got to take time to visit blogs.
    I will drop back soon to read what's going on.

  3. Speaking of chili, did I ever tell you about the time...? I will, later. Meanwhile, speaking of your chili, if Hick eats chili AND has a cold, he'll be spewing from both ends. You'll want to find that chair to roost in.

  4. Thanks, but I will stay here. No sniffles in my little lair.

  5. Sioux,
    How nice of you to mention rat fur so near to the time of my unfortunate vent mouse partial beheading.

    I went back to school today. Which means I had to get up early at 4:50, after just going to bed at 3:20. I did, indeed, submit a piece about a very special lamp that required pliers for proper operation. As you might guess, Hick was behind it.

    See? I'm one step ahead of your advice when it comes to Hick emissions. I spent limited time subjected to his various sprayings.

    If you insist. Maybe dog saliva really DOES have antiseptic properties. We are barking up the wrong tree with those vats of Germ-X in the classrooms. All I need is a St. Bernard to sit by the Puffs for hand-licking after nose-blowing.