Thursday, January 17, 2013

What We Have Here is a Success to Eliminate

The shiznit hit the internet today.

I read that the cure for a severe intestinal infection caused by Clostridium difficile bacteria can be most successfully treated by a feces transplant! Can you imagine? The doctor comes in holding his clipboard, wearing his best white coat, and says, "We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we can cure the infection that is causing you acute intestinal pain, recurrent diarrhea, and impending death. The bad news is, the cure is not's a feces transplant. Yes. That's right. We take feces out of a donor's gut, and put them into your gut. Uh huh. That's right. Somebody else's crap in your large intestine."

The thought of a feces transplant must be hard for some folks to swallow. But not for others! Feces can be put into the patient's intestines by colonoscope, enema, or a tube through the nose, down the hatch, into the stomach, past the duodenum, through the small intestine (the lesser, chocolate babka of the digestive system), and into the descending colon. Kind of like going around your elbow to get to your thumb. Oh, and if you prefer, you can do this treatment at home! No mention of whose feces you get, or if you pick them up at the pharmacy, or somebody comes to your door to present you with the specimen in a little Chinese take-out-food cardboard container with the cute metal handle, or if, perhaps, you can pick the poop of a family member or loved one.

All right. I fibbed. That info is in the article at the link. Patients pick their own poop-givers. That's kind of a sticky issue. How do you ask somebody to give you their excrement? And make it seem like they're doing you a favor. And assure them that you're not a freak. Once you snare your pooper, their gift that stops you from giving is tested, then run through a blender! I know! Maybe you can do that part at home with a Magic Bullet. Just don't ask me over for smoothies.

Also, imagine the pride of the donor. "Yep. Doc says I'm the perfect donor for this feces transplant. Apparently, I'm full of it."

To think, all the money spent on pharmaceuticals and invasive surgeries, only to find this low-tech feces cure right under our noses.

Scientific research. A process of elimination.


  1. Scientific research. A process of elimination---very funny!

  2. Maybe I should be a donor, Mrs. Cranky keeps telling me I'm full of it.

  3. If it smells like sh*t and looks like sh*t, it must be surrogate sh*t...

  4. Truly a disgusting post. I hope I never get where this sounds like a good cure to me because I will have to be deathly ill.

  5. A smelly proposition at worst, a shi**y cure at best. I read that article, too and said, "Ewww!"

  6. Stephen,
    Yet so true in this instance!

    Just think, there could be armies of paraprofessionals running through airports with your poo in an Igloo cooler!

    I wonder what the going rate is for the donors. Is it by the pound, by the ounce, by the movement? Is it graded depending on quality? Any bonuses if it's studded with extras? Is there a special dietary protocol for donors to follow? I'm starting to think this article only scratched the surface of the vast excrement reservoir. Do they have slogans, I wonder? Or T-shirts? "Be discreet and excrete!"

    The messenger takes full responsibility. Much like school children, some of us seek approval, and some of us just seek attention.

    We used to say that to Dr. Christiaan Barnard and his wacky new heart transplant pipe dream.

    Yet we use cadaver skin for grafts in the roof of the mouth, and people in some cultures eat warthog anuses without coercion. This might be the new normal.