Monday, January 14, 2013

Let Your Imagination Run Wild

Pardon this look on my face. It seems I've just swallowed a canary. Or DID I? Let me assure you that if such a calamity has befallen a tiny bright feathered was an accident. I never expected that the canary would fly right into my mouth. What was I supposed to do, choke on it?

This has been one of the best Mondays EVER. But I shan't reveal my secret(s). Here is a short list of items that were NOT bestowed upon me today. It is not all-inclusive. And even if you shout out a guess, I will not confirm your suspicions. A lady reveals nothing, you know. And about those eyebrows...there should be TWO. Never forget your A League of Their Own guide to etiquette.

I most fervently pinky-swear that today, Val was NOT...

...named Chief Arbitrator of Motorist/Roadwalker Relations

...crowned Wife of the Year

...rewarded for her exemplary customer loyalty with a lifetime supply of gas station chicken

...awarded Miss Congeniality in a final competition group that included a honey badger, a cobra, a tasmanian devil, a great white shark, a scorpion, a killer bee, a porcupine, and a scorpion.

...asked by Genius to accompany him to college, audit his classes, serve as a third roommate, lay out his clothes, and clean his face of miniscule smudges by using momspit and a little elbow grease

...chosen to sing the praises of UPS in a national series of commercials plagiarized from that Flo lady

...paid cash money to participate in a scientific study to find out whether human blood can be replaced by Diet Coke

...selected to test new scuba gear on dry land to see if it can withstand the forceful, germ-laden exhalations of a person tethered to a breather at night

...picked to helm the National Efficiency in the Workplace Task Force


  1. I wonder if one of your secrets involves an acceptance of one of your stories...Or are all your stories still hiding, like a frightened turtle?

  2. Uh....Okaaaaay....I'm barely hanging on here...wondering WHAT happened to make this one of your BEST Mondays EVER! You really shouldn't do this to us....

  3. It would seem that you've dodged a few bullets here Congratulations.

  4. Sioux,
    As you read this, imagine me in a movie with Michael Douglas, where he is my psychiatrist, and I am a catatonic mental patient. "I'LL NEVER TEEEEELL!" Did you catch the creepy singsonginess of my reply? I have to listen to my inner psycho on this one: don't say a word.

    Frightened turtle? I don't know how folks walk around with those things! I prefer my stories to hide like a Humpty Dumpty with a melon head, under the desk, with an alarm clock to make sure they come out at quitting time.

    I guess you'll have to hang on a while longer. Let it just suffice to say that I am a potential double dipper. When it rains, it pours. Sometimes when a gal adopts a baby, she finds out she's expecting. Just an expression. I AM NOT EXPECTING!

  5. Stephen,
    I just found you hiding out in my 5PAM bucket. Cheeky little shape-shifter! Now I have restored you to your proper chronological place.

    Indeed, it would have drained my energy to carry out such a list of duties as I dodged. It is far easier to rest on my recycled laurels.