Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Why Val Can Never Seem to Send in Those Submissions She's Been Meaning to Write

Such grand plans I had for today.


A package for The Pony awaited us at the dead-mouse-smelling post office, which had come in Monday afternoon, but was not available until today.

I broke my bifocals Christmas Eve. Contrary to popular opinion, it was NOT due to wearing a lampshade on my head at my sister's annual party. But close. While waiting for Hick to turn around the Tahoe so I did not have to walk the tightrope of the driveway curb to avoid the ditch, as I had done upon arrival, I stood in the teen-degree wind chill. Waiting. My bifocals jauntily perched upon my head. Chilling. I climbed into my personal cab, buckled my seatbelt, leaned forward to watch Hick narrowly miss the yard and a resident tree...and heard a crunch on top of my head. A piece fell onto my ample bosom. The oval thingy that keeps the metal from digging into the side of my nose.

First of all, I refuse to take responsibility. I was in the PASSENGER seat, by cracky! It is not adjusted to my liking. I feel like a trucker on a hoisted-up bucket seat. I set my driver's seat lower. But the passenger seat must accommodate the legs and feet of Genius riding rear shotgun. Which puts my noggin perilously close to the ceiling. I groped myself until I had the missing link. I put it in my shirt pocket for safekeeping. Hick found it later with his foot, on the tile floor of the bathroom. Who knew he had such princess-and-the-pea manhooves? Not I. The good news is that the optometrist's office was fairly bereft of patients this morning, and my ocular issue was remedied forthwith.

Oh, and that painful tooth/sinus issue of mine? Still not resolved. The confounded Convenient Care was not open Friday afternoon. Nor Monday. Nor today. I tried their main facility twenty miles south, and it was open, but with only a receptionist. Since I did not especially want a clerical worker diagnosing me, she recommended that I go next door, to the doctor used by Genius and The Pony. NOT a pediatrician, I assure you. But an osteopath. That's a long story for...never. Let's just say that my own doctor takes off the week after Christmas, and his office is in a hospital-adjacent clinic, and the parking lot is far away and crowded, and they frown upon work-ins. So I went to my kids' doc. To while away two hours and twenty minutes, but emerge triumphant with a Z-pack prescription thirteen miles away. Somewhat convenient, because I had to go there anyway to pick up a Nasonex prescription for Genius.

Perhaps I neglected to mention that we received three inches of snow last night. Which turned to a glaze of ice as it landed on the salted roadways. So the going was slow and treacherous. The Pony and I left home at 10:15 this morning, after I had called around to determine where I could haul my sinus cavities for inspection. We returned at 4:00. At which time I heated up a delicious smorgasbord of Christmas day leftovers for my lupper.

Hick is on his own tonight. Poor dear. Who had to work. But most certainly did not have grand plans.


  1. You never seem to have a dull moment. Take extra special care and Happy Holidays.

  2. You had leftovers for Lupper?? Wow, is that a new grand dinner of some sort? Can I be invited next time?? Huh, Please??!!
    (Hey, it takes one smart a** to know one!!) :D

  3. Okay, so let me get this straight ...... the Convenient Care was closed? Perhaps it should be called INconvenient Care.

    Okay, Becky, everybody knows lupper is a cross between lunch and supper, you know, like brunch is breakfast and lunch.

  4. "Princess and the pea manhooves"...ha-ha-ha-ha. You are killing me slowly with your wit. Just read your own stuff and you will laugh and hawk up that sinus crap. You get me snorting each morning. Hope you feel better soon.

  5. Stephen,
    It's always something.

    As Kathy has so kindly informed, LUPPER IS a grand dinner. The one that takes the place of lunch AND dinner (or, as we call it in Backroads, supper). Because LUNNER is not so catchy. You really need to venture outside the city limits more often, in order to fully grasp the nuances of hinterland dialect.

    Here's what you missed: ham, turkey, green beans, potato salad, rolls, broccoli/celery with veggie dip, black olives, and a homemade turtle (made in my sister's home) for dessert. I was full as a tick. As befitting such a grand LUPPER.

    Not only was the INconvenient Care closed in Backroads, but its parent office, Urgent Care, advised me to go next door to the doctor's office, where I waited from noon until 1:45 to be called back to the exam room, only to be examined at 2:15 by a nurse practitioner. Thank goodness I did not need actual urgent care.

    Karma is a dish best served several months later. As befitting one who encouraged me to kill hookers, even though they were already dead.

  6. Oh geez....I've heard of those "funny" terms, just not for a long time. Okay, my apologies, dear Val. I bend and curtsy to you! :)

  7. Becky,
    Curtsy accepted. I'll keep you updated on future LUPPER menus.