Saturday, December 22, 2012

Driving in a Tahoe Down by the River

I am confident that you have all been refreshing the page every five minutes to read about Val's trip to the casino today. Right? RIGHT? Oh. I forgot. I am confident. No need to ask that question.

Hick and I ditched The Pony early this morning, and left Genius home in bed. Don't even ask if we left the two of them home together. Their symbiotic relationship is not one of mutualism (where both benefit), nor even of commensalism (where one benefits, and the other is neither helped nor harmed). No. It is closer to parasitism (one benefits, and the other is harmed). That now concludes today's biology lesson on ecological relationships.

We sped off to River City with Hick behind the wheel. After a discussion of what's wrong with society today, I turned my attention to reading the National Enquirer. Did you know a dude on death row says he videotaped OJ Simpson murdering his ex-wife? Me neither! All these years, this dude from Ohio has kept this secret. He was a house painter OJ hired to spy on his ex, but he was really going to blackmail the ex if he caught men going into her house. A real double-dipper, that dude. So in the midst of videotaping OJ murdering Ron Goldman, which he didn't capture very well because it was out of focus, Dude hid the video because he didn't want to be implicated in the crime! And he hightailed it back to Ohio. Where he became a murderer himself! Told the Enquirer that the tape is still right where he hid it in 1994! And even though he's been on death row for quite some time, he's just now coming forward, because he didn't want OJ to put out a hit on him. Even though he was already on death row. What a break in that case that's already been settled. Twice.

I know Seinfeld was just fiction. And that the act of those hipster doofuses yakking it up instead of helping a fat man being robbed is not what the Good Samaritan Law is all about. But I'm pretty sure that videotaping two murders, and being proud to hold that tape as evidence, would be frowned upon in the state of California.

But enough of the Enquirer, and back to ME! I had to read to keep my eyes off Hick's driving. It is my opinion that he should go the speed limit, in the right lane, without cruise control, allowing mergers space. That is not Hick's style. I'm pretty sure his style is called Drive in the Middle of Six Lanes Between Two Tractor-Trailer Trucks Without Breaking Cruise Control Set at 70. Because I'm a giver, I read out loud to Hick. He was most interest in the stories about the American Picker with Crohn's disease, and the Pawn Stars chick with tattoos and a secret porn past. He wanted to see the pictures, but I told him to keep his eyes on the road. Then when we got home, I handed off that Enquirer to my mom, forgetting about Hick's wish to view the pic. Oops! My bad. It's because I'm such a giver, you see.

Now where was I? Oh, yeah. The casino trip. We didn't win. BUT...we can each be reimbursed for up to $500 in losses, because this was our first time there. Actually, we have been there twice, right after they opened. But since they had no record of us, we are new gamblers. And will get mailings with offers for our loss reimbursement, which we have to go into the casino to redeem. It's better than nothing, I suppose. Though I doubt it's as good as Harrah's used to treat us, what with monthly mailings containing $25 slot vouchers, and $15 restaurant coupons.

There's a little more to the story, which I may or may not tell, as the mood strikes, or I am bereft of other ideas. Bottom line, a good time was had by all, and poor, downtrodden Hick was thanked profusely for the selfless offer of his Saturday, if not for his highway sweaving skills.


  1. What a fun day.

    The National Enquirer is such an information-packed magazine. Seriously? OJ is guilty? Who knew that a jail bird in Ohio knew the truth all along?

    Hope you won big at the Casino!

  2. Hahaha! Trust the Enquirer to uncover the real stories! And don't you just love it when gambling software just can't keep up?? Change your names & you'll be WAY ahead next visit!!!

  3. I am certain you got some fodder for future stories. I've been to a casino only once, but the "characters" (and I use the term quite loosely, which is--coincidentally--another way I would describe them--loose) were coming out of the woodwork. And up from the dirty carpet. And through the cigarette smoke.

  4. My ex was in the army with a bunch of yayhoos from Ohio who also had some grandiose ideas. So, I don't doubt the dude believes what he's saying. As for River City, you lucky duck!$500 in food, rooms and slot play can't be all bad. See you there, sometime. I'm five minutes away, so put down that literary paper and stop by.

  5. Donna,
    Because I'm such a giver, I felt the need to clue everyone in on that OJ tip. As for the casino...I won't be quitting my day job.

    What a scathingly brilliant idea! Get revenge on the casino by scamming them out of comps!

    Dang! You make them sound like denizens in a Scooby Doo caper. But I DID almost pick up a new husband.

    Hey! I can gamble and stalk you in a single trip! It might behoove you to stop throwing imaginary bathroom bugs out the front door while you're in the midst of coloring your hair. The streets have eyes.