The Backroads Intermittent Gazette: Weekend Edition

Backroads Sheriff's Department Investigates Creekside Shenanigans

Sheriff Deput E. Dawg has formed a task force to investigate the mysterious appearance of a large frosted donut in the waters of Backroads Creek. Sheriff Dawg wants the citizens to know that, "I will not rest until I find out who has been dunking their donut in Backroads Creek. I take it as a personal affront that a criminal element has invaded our tidy community, and taken it upon themselves to thumb their noses at authority. The fact that a donut was chosen as the implement of shenaniganning does not set well with me. What's next, a pig parked in my reserved space? The perpetrators shall be brought to justice." The next meeting of the task force is set for 10:00 a.m. Monday in the back room of Top o' the Hole to You.

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Woman's Head Explodes, No Casualties Reported

A resident of Backroads had the unpleasant experience of cranial combustion last weekend, when her head exploded with pain upon biting into a cheeseburger topped with hot caramelized onions. The woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, described the sensation as that of molten iron being poured into a mold formed by her upper left bicuspid and the nerve that serves it. "In retrospect," she declared, "the caramelized onions were, perhaps, not the best choice of toppings." Service in the restaurant was restored after a two-hour respite in which emergency personnel treated three customers for dangerous levels of decibel exposure. When reached for comment, all three victims responded, "WHAT?"

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Backroads Couple Narrowly Avoids Arrest for Foal Endangerment

A Backroads boy reported his parents for what he termed cruel and unusual punishment last Saturday. The young fellow, who goes by the name of "The Pony" stated that his father is, "...pretty much not guilty because he never knows what's going on." The issue that brought matters to a head was the state of the lad's footwear. "Mom always lets me wear my Adidas slides when I'm not going in a store to be her beast of burden," he said. "But Saturday, I was only going to get into my grandma's car, and she made me go back and put on shoes AND socks before leaving the house. I already had on pants instead of shorts. I think she was trying to smother me. If the temperature outside hadn't been thirteen degrees with the wind chill, I might have spontaneously combusted like that onion lady's head." The Division of Equine Well-Being has cleared the family of all charges. This time.

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Local Man Lost in Maze, Rescued by Good Samaritan

A local man found himself out of his element last weekend when he narrowly avoided freezing to death in a maze of plywood dividers at River City Casino. The kindhearted gent had driven his wife around the end of a virtual Tierra del Fuego of Keep Out/Men Working/Construction Zone barriers in order to access the second level of the new parking garage. "Here you go, Honey. Nobody is even here yet. We can park right next to the door." The ancient lovebirds hopped out of their large sport-utility vehicle and entered the building. A bank of elevators greeted them. One quick push, and a door opened as if by magic. They rode down to the ground floor of the parking garage, only to be directed outside, into a channel of wooden walls, around the side of the building, through a door, down a hallway, outside across another construction area, in a service door, and down a carpeted hallway to the casino lobby.

Knowing that there would be no host around with a tank of oxygen after the return trip, Upright Q. Citizen told his missus to wait at the entrance. He selflessly hiked the trail of veers back to the vehicle, hampered by what seemed to the little woman like a twenty-minute fuge during which he rattled around the makeshift enclosure like a rat bereft of nasal cheese sensors. Mr. Citizens admits to a brief period of disorientation, during which he miraculously dialed a random number on his cell phone. The number turned out to belong to an internet acquaintance of Mrs. Citizen, who lives a mere five minutes away, on a barge down in the river. She skillfully directed Mr. Citizen to the parking garage, second level, an event which she refers to as a Happy accident, being a firm believer in no coincidences.

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Area Couple Featured in New Reality Show

Mark your calendar. You don't want to miss next week's premiere of Little World, Big People. The new reality show features longtime Backroads residents Pa and Ma Cauldron. In the first episode, follow Pa and Ma on an outing to a "den of thieves," as Pa terms it. Watch Pa forget that he received a restaurant coupon in honor of his birthday that week, and upon remembrance, get in line for a second half-pound cheeseburger. Let's hope he doesn't order caramelized onions on it! Tune in and find out, Friday evening at 9:00.