Thursday, September 13, 2012

A Sudden Burst of Prose

Pardon me. The time has come to discuss a delicate matter. Of course, as a fragile Backroads flower, I am sorely vexed at the thought of somebody mistakenly assuming the topic is personal in nature. I assure you, it is a hypothetical scenario. Seriously.

The business of education has gone haywire with supervisory tactics. Teachers must watch students like a cast of hawks. From the time they arrive in the morning, they are under surveillance. Duty teachers. Cameras. Hallway teachers. Classroom teachers. I'm surprised students are allowed to visit the restroom-without-a-door lacking a teacher in tow. Students are never to be left unattended.

Suppose, hypothetically, of course, that a teacher comes down with a case of intestinal distress. Nothing like dysentery, mind you. More like a roaring bout of flatulence. Except it's not. Because the gas cannot escape. There is no window of opportunity. No instant when that teacher is student-free. Lunchtime has passed (unlike the trapped gases that percolate within that teacher's gut). The afternoon drags on. Four more classes. No breaks. Students must not be left unattended!

What is that teacher to do? Sit on the cushiony rolly chair and trap it in while her innards roil with bubbles intent on escape? Take a chance on laughing, coughing, barking commands...knowing all the while that such an act could cause an unauthorized release? Try to let some pressure escape, hoping for silent but deadly rather than an ear-shattering PPPFFFTTT or BRRAAAPPPP or balloon-stem squeakage that will draw attention to herself?

If only that hypothetical teacher could step out into the hall for a clandestine emission. But no. Students must not be left unattended! And a new camera has been installed ten feet from the classroom door, with a fisheye lens, no doubt, monitoring traffic in and out the main back door to the parking lot.

The four minutes between classes is not an option. New students flood in before old students rush out. It's like they are waiting in starting blocks for the bell, in an effort to win the class-change gold medal. Standing in the hall between classes is not an opportune time for a gaseous release. Sure, it could be blamed on a passing student. But those entering the classroom would comment and question.

At times, a teacher in distress must wish to jab a sharpened hollow instrument into her abdomen with the force a ten-year-old jabs that finely-honed plastic straw into a bag of Capri Sun.

It's enough to make a teacher regret last evening's treat of a Fiber One fudge brownie.

Hypothetically, of course.


  1. It's so kind of you to ask and ponder and speculate on behalf of a friend. Certainly Val is never a gassy blowhard.

    Too bad your friend is not a male. If they were, they could time the expulsion/fart on command--they then could barely crack open the classroom door (pretending to check on something in the hall) step partially out of the class, let loose, and quickly close the door upon their return.

    Yes, farts. An important concern for teachers, yet there is no class that prepares education students on how to handle it.

  2. My wife has spent years working in tight cubicles surrounded by coworkers. When I ask her about it, she says you don't fart. You just don't. I don't get it. What do you do, wait unti you explode?

  3. Sioux,
    I'm caring and sharing like that. Selfless. Just trying to find a solution to my friend's problem. Wouldn't want her to bloat up like a soda-drinking fiend in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

    She must have some sort of rubber tubing rigged up to siphon off her own personal flatus. You might want to try for a patent, or start a clothing line that allows easy access for the tubing. I'll allot you some shelf space in my proposed handbasket factory, but I think internet marketing is the way to go with this one.

  4. Daytime TV, in the form of Dr. Oz has addressed this very issue!!!!! Same show as the woman with 9 nipples and one odd ball nipple was actually lactating. Dr. Oz insists that this a very natural bodily function and one should not hold it in. You must let your intestinal tract breathe!
    I do realize that this would start a contest of sorts among the students. Perhaps you could turn it into a lesson plan?

  5. Kathy,
    Oh, dear. I could have lived without that nipple knowledge. You are darn tootin' that a student contest would arise out of thin air. I'm not sure I could carry out such a lesson plan, what with spiraling about the room like a balloon expelling pressurized gas.