Yes, you are in for a treat. With the holiday season winding up and winding down, I've decided to treat you to THE 12 DAYS OF HICKNESS!
What's that? Some of you don't think you're up to it? Some are cutting eyes at each other, like "Here we go again..." Some are thinking, "Val can't possibly come up with 12 things Hick has done over the next 12 days." Okay. So nobody actually doubts that 12 Hickcidents are possible. But if you don't think your constitution is strong enough to read about Hick's antics for 12 days...consider VAL for once! She's LIVING IT!!!
I've done you a favor already. I've fed you 6 incidents without you noticing. Kind of like putting your crushed-up pill in a spoonful of pudding. Sure, a couple of you caught on. Birds of a Hickness flock in thickness, and the gentlemen have tried to stick up for ol' Hick. Nice try, boys.
So far, the 6 days of Hickness you have ingested are:
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And I In My Jammies and Hick in A-Cad, Had Just Risen From Bed for the Trip to be Had
(in which Hick sat in a running Acadia while I scraped ice off The Pony's windshield)
Is the 27th Anniversary Gift Beverages?
(in which Hick bought Val nothing on their 27th anniversary, but bought himself an ice crusher and an orange juicer at Goodwill)
Impatient Zero
(in which Hick, with a sickness that sidelined him from work, touched every item in the homestead with his germy hands, including Val's phone)
Hick in the Money Depository With an Attitude
(in which Hick put the fear of HICK into the hourly employees at the bank, concerning a cashier's check to cover the personal check he wrote to buy a car the same day)
Serenity How
(in which Val sees the rest of her life pass before her eyes while tending to a sick Hick home from work)
I Complained Because My Window was Held Up by Two Doorstops, and Then I Met a Woman Whose Window was Held Up by Blue Duct Tape
(in which...well...Hick fixed T-Hoe's window)
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See? It wasn't THAT traumatic, was it? I force-fed that Hick tonic to you, and I didn't even have to hold your nostrils closed and stroke your throat.
We'll kick off this 7th Day of Hickness with a little song. Just a snippet. One of you might recognize it. Ahem, Madam, I'm looking at YOU.
My Honey's About to Retire
Drove in from St. Louie Sunday with my dear
Couldn't get to sleep that night
On the way that hot-air bag was in my ear
Giving me a horrid fright
My honey's about to retire
I'll be at the mercy of Hick, guys
My honey's about to retire
Been away so long I fairly rule the place
Gee, he's gonna be back home
Bossing me around and I can't plead my case
Now I'll never be alone
My honey's about to retire
I'll be at the mercy of Hick, guys
My honey's about to
My honey's about to
My honey's about to retire
Well the Sweden trip really knocked me out
When Hick left Val behind
He went to France, made me sing and shout
And Germany is always on my my my my my my my my my mind
Oh, come on
Hu hey hu, hey, ah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
My honey's about to retire
I'll be at the mercy of Hick, guys
My honey's about to retire
So, in the car on the way to the casino on Sunday, Hick pointed out that he was only a couple weeks from retirement. I resisted the urge to put my hands over my ears and rock to and fro (Hick's sweaving did that for me anyway) and hum so as not to hear what he had to say.
Oh, how I wish I had!
"I'm going to start working in the basement. Do some things I always meant to do, but never got around to. Like close in the area by the steps. Put some shelves there. You know. Shelves. To put stuff on. Stuff we have that's in boxes and I want to see out. And you can help me. If I need a screw, you can run to town for me--"
HELP ME!!!
Oh, that is going to be one sweet fairy tale ending. Hick the Handyman and Val, his sweet and eager go-for.
ReplyDeleteIt's a fairy tale all right! And not just the ending.
DeleteI can't believe NOBODY, and especially YOU, Madam, caught the song reference! Are we not the Beatles generation? Has nobody ever heard "Back in the USSR?"
I'd wash my hands of all of you Baby Boomer imposters IF I could tell which direction on my one-lever Hick-plumbed sinks were hot or cold.
Mrs. C works three nights a week. I think she does it to get away from me...though I don't understand that.
ReplyDeleteSee? You KNOW it, but you don't understand it. That's kind of like an airport rental car company knowing how to TAKE the reservation, but not how to HOLD the reservation.
Deletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7uvttu8ct0
Mrs. C works three nights a week also because SOMEBODY has to bring home the bacon...to put on the counter...under a towel.
Serenity now. Insanity later. Been dealing with the retired male spouse since 2011. It gets worse. I promise you.
ReplyDeleteMine retired 25+ years ago--'nuff said!!
DeleteYIKES! I need an inhaler! I need a defibrillator! I'll even take the hot water and disinfectant and iodine left over from a dog-lips kiss at a Christmas program rehearsal!
DeleteThose warnings just turned my unnaturally black hair white in an instant.
My wife was cat-sitting for the BRD and was going to make three trips over to her house in a week's time. On the first visit I insisted on going with her because of the irregular sidewalk and steps outside the BRD's home. I was CONCERNED for her. Sometime during the visit she SNARLED at me..."See, that's why I didn't want you to come along. This is my only chance to get away from you for awhile!" Women. I just don't understand them.
ReplyDeleteNow you've gone and done it! You've stolen the spotlight from Hick! And we all know he hardly ever gets a mention here.
DeleteYou have inspired me to attach an addendum to a future 12 Days of Hickness post, in order to explain things to you. And Joe H, too, if he knows what's good for him!
Somehow, I don't see you in the role of "gofor". You could always act like a man and bring home the wrong screw or nail or such. Do it enough and he will just go get his own supplies!
ReplyDeleteOH! That is a most scathingly brilliant idea!
DeleteWait a minute! Hick has a little jar of every type of screw ever made. They are in the barn, on a shelf he created, with the jar lids attached to the bottom of the shelf. All you have to do is unscrew the jar, and there are your screws, readily available.
You don't think Hick is trying to GET RID OF ME by sending me to town, do you?
Maybe he'll paint himself into a corner, put the hinge on wrong and lock himself inside the cubby hole. I can provide you lots of ideas. I say this as my retiree sits three feet away yapping all the time as I try to write. It's not the projects I mind. It's the heavy breathing, snartin', and fartin' when he's sitting so close to me. Going to be a fun time in the Hick house real soon.
ReplyDeleteDang! This comment section is like a Night Gallery episode. A new horror around every turn!
DeleteAND it's like a nesting doll! As if I don't already have enough material backed up in my Hickness queue...now you are reminding me of a Hick painting incident.
Hick needs a task. Try and get him to invent a new better mouse trap.
ReplyDeleteI hope he doesn't copy that big water jug he bought with a bunch of pennies in the bottom, and THREE DEAD MICE! It was like a roach motel for rodents.
Delete