Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Like the Honey Badger, FedEX Don't Care

After Puppy Jack snacked on 1/3 of Genius's gift wallet made of Bison leather, monogrammed, with RFID blocker, from Sharper Image...I spent 30 minutes on the phone with FedEx. The rep, who spoke mostly English, was polite, and well-versed in corporate CYA-ness.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. I have a puppy myself. They are rascals. Since the package WAS delivered, I am not sure what we can do for you. I will take your information and get a claim going right away."

Yes. The package WAS delivered. But you can be sure (and I can only hope that the recording for quality assurance purposes was activated) that I let them know my opinion of leaving a package consisting of a small paper envelope ON THE PORCH, ON THE GROUND. A stiff wind could have blown that thing away. The same wind that can blow metal chairs off the porch. Chairs. Which are ON the porch, available for package-laying. On EACH SIDE of the front door, less than 10 feet away.

Once I informed the minimum wage FedEx employee of the relative IQ of my deliveryman, I fired up my internet and ordered a replacement gift wallet made of Bison leather, monogrammed, with RFID blocker, from Sharper Image. That package arrived a few days later, while I was in town again. Thankfully, Val's little helper, The Pony, was at home.

"I heard a knock, so I opened the door." [Not a guarantee with The Pony] "It was the FedEx man, and he handed me the package. It was the same envelope like the one Jack ate. Jack was on the porch, looking sad. Like he'd missed out on his snack of supple buffalo jerky."

Thing is, had The Pony not been there, I fear this FedEx man would have laid that envelope at the door again. Because I had put up a sign on the carport post, by which deliverymen have to walk in order to reach the porch, with instructions for the leaving of packages.

STILL the guy came straight to the front door. So it is very possible that Jack may have gotten another snack, had The Pony decided not to open the door.

Just two days before, I had heard the dogs barking, and went upstairs to see what was going on. A FedEx boy had just left a box on the porch. He was almost back to the carport.

"Hello. Didn't you see the sign?"

"What sign?"

"The one right in front of where you parked. Saying to leave the packages on the back porch, on top of the doghouse. This little dog ate half a leather wallet. It won't matter with this big box, but smaller ones should be up off the ground."

"Oh. I didn't see that. How about on the barbecue grill? I wondered about that. If I could leave them on the barbecue grill."

"Yes. That's fine. As long as they're off the ground. Like I said, this little dog ate a bison wallet in 20 minutes, before I got home."

"Oh, just call FedEx. They'll replace it. That's what they always do."

Huh. No wonder their drivers don't really care where they leave the packages. Have you seen the internet horror videos of them driving by and THROWING THEM ONTO THE PORCH without even getting out of the truck?

FYI...I got a letter from FedEx today:

FedEx Values your business. We have received and processed your claim request on the shipment referenced above. Unfortunately, upon completing our investigation, we must respectfully decline your claim.

Under the terms and conditions governing this shipment, FedEx will not accept liability for any special, incidental or consequential damages, including, without limitation, loss of profits or income, whether or not FedEx had knowledge that such damages might be incurred.

(the capital "V" in values was their doing, not mine)


  1. Can you send in another claim and say you never received the package, technically you didn't, you have no way of knowing the watted puppy jack ate was your wallet, for all you know the envelope was ripped and empty when you got it.

    1. Well, they might have me recorded for quality assurance purposes, complaining that my package was left where the dog could reach it. The delivery notice I got by email AFTER I got home and checked my email (don't look at my phone while driving) said the package was "left at front door." So technically, there's a record that I received it.

      Now I wish we had made them pay for a landscaper when they offered to settle THAT claim that way, when another driver left foot-deep ruts in our yard because he wouldn't stay on the concrete and gravel.

  2. Val--It's the ol' "if something bad happens and it's our fault, it's not our fault" routine. FedEx, like everyone else, is draped in Teflon.

    1. Just like Hick, they refuse to take responsibility for their actions!

      Surely it's not a foreign concept that people who live a mile up a gravel road have dogs. Dogs which are not chained up like prisoners, but live like kings, roaming their kingdom as they please, supping on tasty tidbits left on their grounds by deliverypeople, some of whom toss dog biscuits as tribute for safe passage.

  3. Bite me! This is what I'd Rey to FedX. As for posting signs, I used to hang a sign at the entrance to my classroom door, suspended at eye level so parents would stop and read important info. Ha! They shoved past without reading. Now I realize I should have written FREE as an enticement.

    1. Hick used to tell his oldest son, HOS, "If there was a sign that said, 'Here's a million dollars,' you'd be poor, because you'd never read it."

    2. This is assuming they have the ability to read!

    3. Yes. And you KNOW what happens when we assume!

  4. Maybe you should get a bigger dog, like a Great Dane or a Newfoundland, to give the delivery men the right idea.

    1. From The Pony's description, the delivery man who left the SECOND Genius wallet was the one who's afraid of dogs. The Pony said he gave Jack the eye, and Jack was only sitting there waiting to eat the second Bison wallet.

      Funny how the evening before, I got a call from FedEx located in Genius's college town (must be a FedEx hub) asking for directions, because she said the driver didn't deliver a package because he couldn't find the address. That's a load of crap. Every other FedEx driver found the address over the past few weeks.

      AND this guy delivered last year, and I met him coming out the driveway, and he said he left the package in the garage like our note back then advised, and "THERE ARE DOGS IN THE GARAGE! I SAW THEIR EYES! I closed the door quick. I don't like dogs!"

      I assured him that the only thing in the garage might have been a cat. So I figure he remembered the house, and didn't want to deal with dogs. Don't know how he makes a living driving for FedEx. My sister's husband the ex-mayor used to work for a utility company, reading meters, and he carried a baseball bat and pepper spray just in case. He didn't have any trouble with dogs.