Blog buddy Joe H recently had a run-in with a Negative Nancy at the movies. Let the record show that Val did not leave Missouri on the date in question. You can check T-Hoe’s On-Star records.
Now, Val doesn’t have such a posh thee-ay-tor as Joe. Uh uh. Backroads has a four-plex, and that’s that. No reclining seats there. You’re lucky if you can get a seat with a…well…a SEAT, and a back. Sometimes a row is roped off with yellow crime-scene-like tape. That doesn’t mean it’s reserved for somebody famous. It means you might become impaled on some pokey-outy part of the seat that has lost its upholsteration.
I haven’t been to the movies in a long time. Probably since I took my mom to see The Heat, or Genius to see one of those Hunger Games sequels. Nothing tempts me lately. That’s sad, because I really DO enjoy going to the movies. And the snacks. Especially the snacks. Maybe because of the snacks. No. I’m not like my sister the ex-mayor’s wife, who has been known to stop by the four-plex, scam her way in without a ticket, buy popcorn, and leave with her bounty. But we’ll get to refreshments later. Just like I do when I go to the movies.
Our theater does not sell the seat when you buy the ticket. Nope. It’s festival seating. First come, first seat-picking. Heh, heh! I said seat-PICKING! Had to throw that in for my club. Anyhoo…I have no issue with getting to the movies early. As soon as they open, if it’s the first showing. I want my seat! And it’s the row of four in the back, seat on the aisle. Only one row is behind it. And if the universe is smiling on me that day, nobody will sit there.
Here’s Val’s biggest pet peeve about the movie theater. A pet peeve so big it might as well be kept in a pet peeve zoo. Val’s ferocious humongous pet peeve is LATECOMERS!
I know there will be the preliminaries that start at the “showtime” listed in the paper. That we will get commercials for Coke, inside clips about upcoming movies and TV. Then there will be previews. A lot of them. Which now show almost the entire plot of future movies. But I don’t mind. That’s part of movie-going. The part that makes my blood boil, though is when somebody comes in late, and
THE USHER ASKS YOU TO MOVE OVER!
The not-heaven you say! No way am I moving over from the seat I got there early to PICK, just to make it convenient for a latecomer and companions to take them with no effort! The not-heaven with being polite! If they want to split up, or want to climb over me to get to those one or two empty seats on my row, then go for it. I don’t care if you have to expend the effort of a climb from base camp to the summit of Mt. Everest (without Sherpas) to get to those seats. You should have planned ahead. I am not here to make your life easier. I am not a seat-saver like Cosmo Kramer at the Tony Awards. I don’t care how many people you disturb trying to find a seat. I am NOT giving you mine!
You might assume that once Val picks her seat at the movies, she’s never getting up. You know what happens when we assume! Val will gladly get up from her picked seat in order to purchase snacks. Of course, she has her personal Pony as a seat saver. Or Hick, if he’s invited. You might assume that if Hick is invited, he’s going to be tasked with fetching the food. Didn’t you learn what happens when we assume? Hick can’t be trusted to get the snacks! He does it wrong! AND he sometimes denies The Pony his requests. Who is Hick to decree what The Pony can consume at the movies? You’d think he’s the one paying!
The movies in Backroads try to scam you on the snacks. No, I’m not just talking about the atmospheric prices. They try to serve up previously-prepared foodstuffs! NEVER buy your snacks as you go into the theater! That is crazy. You are getting OLD popcorn! With the amount you pay, you deserve to have that popcorn harvested out back and shucked right before your eyes! My tactic is to go pick my seat, and wait until I smell popcorn. Then I go get the fresh stuff. You have to be careful, though. The clerks are crafty. They stockpile the already-popped stuff in a big flip-top bin, like commonly used to scoop ice out of, and then try to pawn that off on you as fresh. IT IS NOT! It is cold! Old! Possibly very full of mold. AND they jam that scooper down in there to make sure they crush as many kernels as possible, and dip up crumbs into your bag. So…you have to say, “Nuh nuh nuh! I want my popcorn from the bin that’s popping now!”
Oh, and if you get the large combo with refills, make sure you get the refills! I used to get them for my mom, taking her a big bag of popcorn and a giant Diet Coke. Mom LOVED the movies, even if she didn’t go! And when she DID go, she wouldn’t have the snacks there. But she would sure take them home with her.
Movie ticket prices in Backroads are fairly economical compared to the big city. So I don’t mind paying for snacks. It’s part of the movie-going experience for me. However…I am not above sneaking the candy part of our treat in with my movie purse. That’s right. I said MOVIE PURSE. A separate purse, with ample room for The Pony’s Cookie Dough Bites, and Val’s Junior Mints, and Genius’s Reese’s Pieces. It does not behoove The Pony to complain. Val is taking those snacks in, whether he is embarrassed or not. Or perhaps he fears being caught and thrown out, which is possibly why he cautions me to walk slowly so my purse doesn’t rattle. Also inside the movie purse are my glasses, a book or magazine, a tiny flip-top spiral notebook and pen in case some prime blogging material breaks out, and butter-flavored salt. We Thevictorians do not want butter making our popcorn soggy. But we’re fine with adding hypertension to our snack for flavor.
Wow! This makes me nostalgic. I need to check the movie schedule. I’ll use the internet. I do NOT want to call and get some hipster doofus acting like a movie timetable recording.
I've never had an usher (do they still have ushers?) ask me to move and I probably wouldn't if asked. I arrive half an hour early to get my preferred seat and I'm not sliding behind Mr. Lincoln in his stove top hat to make room for a latecomer.ReplyDelete
Heh, heh. Nor am I sitting behind Marge Simpson!Delete
What we call ushers around here are the teenage kids who get a little uniform, and have to come in a couple times and make sure there are no shenanigans, like brought-in food, or raucous popcorn-throwing. They also come in with the late people, with a little flashlight, and traipse up and down the aisle, shining that light to see where empty seats are.
Sneaking snacks into theatres (okay, theaters) is a skill. Never take in cans of soft drinks. They tell on you when you open them, and then when you set them down on the floor they roll alllllll the way to the front during a quiet, scary moment and really could get you kicked out or put in time out for THIRSTY DAYS!ReplyDelete
Yeah! The people behind us got busted for opening 20 oz soda bottles. The usher came in and told them to throw their stuff away, or take it out. So they took it to their car and returned. Snackless. Shameless.Delete
We may have fancy seats, but an USHER? I haven't seen an actual usher in ages.ReplyDelete
I won't eat their popcorn either, we sneak in candy and water bottles...I have a special coat with many pockets for just such a purpose.
I miss the old movie experience; cartoons, movietone news, short features, and double features...I never once went to a double feature without seeing the end of the first movie, the feature, and then watch the beginning of the first movie. good times.
See my definition of USHER above. It's not like they're bellhops from the 50s, wearing little caps.Delete
So...you have a shoplifter coat! I used to work at a junk store. Where people stole JUNK! Of course, who am I to talk, after marrying Hick, the Grand Larcenist...
How about going to the movies and seeing "My Big, Fat Greek Wedding 2"? I've seen the trailers--it looks funny--and it has the Joeh stamp of approval...ReplyDelete
What decade was "The Heat" made? Jeezle. Go to a movie. In fact, when you retire, you can go to your 4-Plex, pay for one ticket, and end up seeing all four.
I take a bottle of water in my purse. When I was younger, I'd put in a box of Sno-Caps (a noisy snack to mule in). Paying $5 or $8 for a bottle of water is ridiculous.
I'll have you know, Madam, that The Heat was from 2013. It's not like I last sat in a theater watching a black-and-white of the "Little Tramp." You have CROCS older than that!Delete
Ooh! I want some Sno-Caps! I forgot about them! They're my next movie smuggle. You're right about the water. It makes WAY more sense to pay that for a soda. Diet Coke doesn't come out the water fountain, you know.
I have not been to a movie theater in 13 years! I am too cheap to enjoy paying so much just to see a movie and don't get me started on the price they charge for popcorn. If I did go, I would totally sneak all my snacks in!ReplyDelete
Shh...don't let Sioux hear that! Maybe you can find a drive-in still open, and get somebody to hide you in their trunk. Make sure it's somebody who'll let you out, though!Delete
Thanks, now I want popcorn. I will microwave it over salt it and pretend I am watching Sally Field's new release. Uhm yeah who doesn't sneak in $1 store candy? My kind of gal, Val.ReplyDelete
I could ask my sister the ex-mayor's wife if she'll get the large combo next time she only enters the theater for popcorn. Then she can drive back over there and get you the free refill.Delete
Please explain this store candy concept to The Pony. He seems to think I'm the only one headed to the hoosegow for breaking the theater law. If we all run a different direction, they can't throw the net over everybody!