Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Don't Miss the Next Episode of Valumbo

Whew! I just drove in from Mailbox Row, and boy, is this gumshoe tired!

Being a dick (heh, heh, you know what I said) is not as one might think. My fledgling detective agency has yet to be hired by an actual client, but Valumbo has investigations out the wazoo. Fresh off The Case of the Dastardly Dismemberers, and Hick in the Garage with Diamond's, Val discovered her third mystery in four days:

Looks foreboding, doesn't it? Like somebody is about to enter the Thousand Acre Wood and never be seen again. If only. But no, that's not some artsy-fartsy camera work to make the scene all hazy and mysterious. Nope. That's a photo from the phone of The Pony, who refused to put his tinted passenger window down to snap it. In fact, he rolled that window UP as soon as Valumbo rolled it down for him with her driver's door control panel.

"No! Mom. No. I can see out my window just fine."

"What's the matter, you think they're going to SEE you? They're not even looking this way."

"Leave it UP! I'll get your picture."

"Okay. But you'll have to get it quick. I'm going to put on my left turn signal and roll down a little bit before I turn in. It will look like I'm watching my mirror for traffic. You'll only get one chance."

"Okaaayyyyy! Go. I'm ready."

"Did you get it?"

"Yeah. Here."

"I don't know how many times I have to tell you, I cannot turn and look at your phone while I'm DRIVING! Here. I'll stop so--"

"NOOO! Don't stop!"

"What do you think they're going to do to you? Hey. Couldn't you zoom in?"

"Well, I had to get their license plate in it."

"No you didn't! They weren't dumping anything. I just wanted a record of them being there. On a PRIVATE road. Creeks are free to everyone. But that doesn't mean we provide off-road parking!"

"Mom. They were just smoking."

"Great! That's all we need. Them throwing down a cigarette and setting the woods on fire."

"Ay yi yi..."

Well. The Pony's picture makes that road look all spacious. It's like he had a fishbowl lens or something. I'm not good with camera accessories or phone apps. In reality, it's hard for two cars to pass. Those invaders pulled over where the bus-waiters park to keep their kids safe from such intruders while they wait for the bus, or get off the bus. That little sign on the pole says that it's private property, and that trespassers will be prosecuted. I guess somebody stole the big blue hand-painted sign that said the same thing.

Valumbo has not yet solved this case. She is waiting for evidence that something was dumped, or that something is missing.

I've a good mind to steal an idea from imitate Sioux with sincerest flattery, and post my intruder pictures every Saturday, and call it Law and Order CSI Special Backroads Unit Saturday. Then everyone can give an opinion of what they think these creekers were up to. I won't even bother with the empty parked cars, though I'm sure there's no innocent reason for them to be there, either. We are not a commuter parking lot.

Probably not such a good idea. Sometimes, the shenaniganers don't like their picture taken. Down by the creek, no one can hear you scream. Well...except for the other 379 people down by the creek who also have no business there...


  1. Looks to me like he is off-loading a six pack.

    1. Nah...that was a DIFFERENT guy, last year. There is actually a short guy and a tall woman in that picture. I can tell. Because I'm the dick...HEH HEH!

  2. Replies
    1. Just goes to show, if it's not one thing it's another. Either people are dumping dismembered limbs on your road, or setting forest fires.

  3. Hopefully they aren't looking for a way to steal your remaining boulders.

    1. NOOOO! That's the last thing I thought they were up to! Now I'll have anxiety. That's my retirement nest egg, you know!

  4. Hey dick, you tell hick he better padlock his buildings. And you, watch out; the murderer was discovered in a tree.

    1. What a rotten fruit! The tree-murderer...not Hick. Thank goodness he was several hours from here. But right in the backyard of Kampground Kathy.

  5. After the recent killer on the run here in my parts ...... be very careful!!

    1. I was worried for you! But at least you had your wasp spray ready.

      That's more than I had the night those killers drove right past my house on our gravel road, with the headless body they were putting in a septic tank a half mile away!

  6. Holy Mackerel! The comments and your replies have me more worried than your post did. Keep your head down and your howitzer loaded, Val, and don't make Pony roll his window down!

    1. This is Missouri, man! We are barely on the outskirts of civilization. We ain't sippin' tea with our pinkies out, delicately nibbling cucumber sandwiches. We're takin' big swigs o' moonshine from the jug, and gnawin' on fatback-on-a-cathead-biscuit.