Val Bugs Out

Sometimes I am plagued by a plague. A plague of bugs that have no business being where they are.

Every now and then, as I sit in my blue recliner in the basement, enjoying reality shows on the big-screen TV, draped with my chartreuse, red, and yellow fleece Christmas throw...a movement catches my eye. A movement on my chestal area that is NOT the gentle rise and fall of twin peaks signifying that I am, indeed, still living. No need to hold a mirror to my mouth to check for vapor. No, the slight movement that attracts my attention is the purposeful march of a gnat/beetle hybrid the size of a pinhead. This critter is too solid to be a gnat, and too gossamerish to be a beetle. It does not jump, so it is not a flea. It does not have good reflexes, so it is not a fly. In fact, it is quite easy to grasp and crush between my immense thumb and index fingerpads.

At school yesterday, I was beset by a flying insect of some type that buzzed me like I was Charlie Brown's hygienically-challenged buddy, Pigpen. I waved my arms and swatted while the students watched in awe. Let the record show that my ninja reflexes knocked that invader out of the air and onto my desk, where I smashed him flatter than a sheet of onionskin paper. Val. Not JUST a valedictorian.

Last night, my recliner respite was not marred by the intrusion of a six-legged freak. All was peaceful. I was feeling a bit peckish, so I tore off a row of yellow bunny PEEPS from the open pack that rested on the coffee table in front of the couch where The Pony curves his spine while typing on his laptop. What's that? Most people don't have packs of PEEPS on their coffee table? Yeah, right. I suppose they have coffee table books about coffee tables.

Not being one to do much of anything in moderation, I chomped those four bunny PEEPS before stopping to think about whether four might be a bit excessive. Oh, who are we kidding here...I didn't think twice about eating four rabbits.

Then I noticed something amiss in my mouth. There was a hard particle. I gave all my teeth a quick once-over with my tongue. Nobody was missing any enamel. I stuck my finger into my gaping maw and withdrew it with the offender attached to the tip by saliva. It was a dark dot. Not moving.

At first I though I had pulled a tick from my mouth! EEWWW! That's just WRONG! But it was not a tick. Upon closer inspection under my bifocals. I saw that the ejected intruder had no legs. Not four. Not six. Not eight. Good news, actually. Unless I had dissolved the legs with saliva. It IS the first step of digestion, you know. I squeezed that speck between my thumb and forefinger. It did not disintegrate. Any self-respecting bug would have smooshed under pressure. That was a good thing. The particle was not a bug.

IT WAS THE EYE OF A PEEP!

Somebody at the JustBorn factory is making indestructible PEEP-eyes. Not cool! PEEP-eyes should dissolve in saliva like the other parts of the PEEP. Now I'll have to turn the darn PEEPS around before eating them. I can't stand their accusatory, fixated, soul-windows boring into my face. It increases eating time.

We both refuse to blink.