Hick Is a $35,000 Snitch

I've mentioned how we are looking for another flip house. CHEAP! One that doesn't need too much money poured into it to make a safe, liveable house for resale. I found one on Monday. Or so I thought. It must have been on Realtor.com, since that's mostly where I check. The picture looked decent. I clicked on it. The description, though, said

This is a tear down you are purchasing mainly for the property. This is for the corner lot it will be divided off from 406 Lincoln.

Well. That was interesting. I've never seen something like this. The house was also listed as 2 bedroom, 2 bath. The roof looked decent. Nothing was sagging. The porch could use work. Hick drove by, and said some of the windows were new. And that only a little part of the roof looked like it might need patching.

"What's the deal? Do you think it was condemned? Maybe the floor rotted out? Mold?"

"I cain't see much wrong with it. I don't know why they would say it's a tear-down."

"Maybe it's because of zoning? Like how you couldn't have a business in the Beauty Shop, and we can't divide ours and sell the houses separately?"

"That might be it. I'm going to call about it."

I figured Hick was going to call our realtor, and have her check on it with the listing agent. It's something we would be interested in, but not from a tear-down standpoint. 

Well, Hick went to the city building inspector! Who wasn't there, so Hick called him and described the situation. Maybe the Inspector already knew the property. At the very least, Hick gave him the address. It's not too far away from the Double Hovel. The inspector said they couldn't sell that property, even as a vacant lot.

"It's not big enough. Nothing can be done with a lot that size, even if the house is torn down. You can't build another one on it. Then neither that lot, or the one with the other house on it, are big enough."

"Well, they have it listed on the real estate websites for sale at $35,000, as a tear-down house, so you're purchasing the lot."

"I'll go by there tomorrow and talk to them about it."

"If they're allowed to sell like that, then why aren't we? I've had three people stop and ask me to buy the Beauty Shop house, but I have to tell them I can't split it. If they were separate, people would be able to get a regular loan. But they can't get a loan to buy two houses. If you go down the street, there are houses with way smaller yards. And somebody can sell those houses if they want. Just because they've always been like that."

"I understand what you're saying, but your lots aren't big enough if you split your property. About the best you can do is ask to speak to the city council, and see if they'll give you a variance for that. It will cost you. Maybe around $250."

Hick says he'd going to check into this. Surely the Inspector meant it would cost to get a variance, and not to talk to the city council! Anyhoo... we agree that it's worth the money to find out for sure.

Meanwhile, I hope the Inspector doesn't mention to the Lot-Sellers how he found out about this listing. If he does, Hick might need to keep his head on a swivel over in that neighborhood, lest his snitching lead to stitches!

Hick Did Not Learn Everything He Needed to Know In Kindergarten

If Hick was the kind of person to use a Life Coach, a toddler would suffice. And be cheap, too, I bet! It amazes me that Hick does not grasp the simplest things. Yet he can turn a Mack truck from a semi-trailer-puller into a dump truck, with torches and hydraulics.

Monday evening, Hick was having chicken tenders and some cheddar-and-broccoli noodles with a previously grilled bratwurst cut up in it. I asked if he wanted anything to use for dipping his chicken tenders.

"I think I'd like mustard. The spicy mustard."

When I called Hick into the kitchen to plate his food, I told him to get the mustard.

"It's in the door of the refrigerator. I didn't have time to set it out. But there's your plate and paper towel, and you can use the spoon that's in the noodles right now."

I glanced over my shoulder as Hick was rummaging in FRIG II's door. He picked up the bright yellow squeeze bottle of regular yellow mustard!

"That's NOT your spicy brown mustard!"

"Oh. Huh. Well... where is it?"

"In the door! Same place. The short bottle that you can see through. You can SEE the spicy brown mustard!"

"Huh. You don't have to be like that. I just didn't see the mustard."

"A TODDLER would know that regular mustard is in the yellow bottle! How have you lived this long and not known that?"

"I just grabbed the wrong bottle."

After cleaning up the noodle pan, I went to change out of my town clothes, in the master bathroom, where Hick had washed his hands before supper. I KNOW! I'm as shocked as you! But Hick did indeed announce, "I'm going to wash my mitts" when I called him to the kitchen.

What DIDN'T shock me were the droplets of dirty water on the counter beside the sink, from Hick's handwashing. I reminded him of that when I walked past his recliner where he was feeding.

"Even a TODDLER knows that 'washing your hands' means scrubbing them with soap and water until the dirt is off! How can you not have mastered this skill? Just like when you leave a giant dirty handprint on the top of the paper towel roll as you tear one off, you have left drops of dirty water all along the sink. I sure hope you didn't dry your unclean hands on MY towel! I might get some kind of disease!"

"I didn't. I used my own towel."

Sure he did. Sure he walked all the way across to the shower door handle, rather than turn and use my towel that was hanging on the wall rack.

We won't discuss the fact that the spicy brown mustard expired in October, 2023. A fact known to both myself, and communicated to Hick. I'm not trying to kill him. Really. I only wanted him to enjoy that spicy brown mustard. I'm pretty sure it was fine. Hick's still kickin', on the day after eating it.

Helpers Gonna Help

Hick does not have his SUS2.5, the storage unit he's converting next to his current Storage Unit Store 2, completely finished. He will have a little refrigerator AND a microwave in there. Currently, he just has a mini fridge, with no way to heat up lunch. He asked me to pick up a sandwich for him during my Thursday shopping trip.

Of course Hick could make his own sandwiches to take. But you know, that would require some effort. Hick could ask ME to make his sandwiches. But the repercussions from that would be even worse than slapping some meat between two slices of bread. Especially after a recent issue with straightening out his expenses from the flip house expenses.

Anyhoo... Hick rarely asks for anything from the store. I got him two containers of sandwiches from the Country Mart deli section. I had given one to Hick a couple weeks ago, for his supper, since he said he wasn't really very hungry, having filled up at the Senior Center lunch. This was a clear plastic container, with a sandwich of ham, bacon, cheese, lettuce, and tomato on white bread. Not a lot of meat. Just a regular sandwich, cut into four triangles, sitting on their crust with their pointy triangle ends sticking up. 

When Hick was getting ready to leave on Saturday morning at 6:00, he packed his sandwich in a plastic bag with a mini bag of plain potato chips I'd laid out for him.

"It'll be good to have lunch for two days."

"What? That's for one day. There's another container in there for tomorrow."

"Huh. I think there's more in here than the last one you got me."

"You know, I DID think it looked like more. You never know what you'll get from that store! Sometimes, the big salad comes without the boiled egg in it."

"I don't know if I can eat all this. It looks like two sandwiches."

"You've eaten two sandwiches most of your life! But if you can't, just give some to one of your buddies. Because there's another container here for tomorrow, and the date will go bad if you don't eat it."

Hick returned home that evening, saying he had given some sandwich to his paid helper, Old Buddy, who also has a storage unit store.

"I give Old Buddy a piece of my sandwich, and I ate the rest. He walked off with it while I was talking to some customers. I asked him later how he liked it, and he said he didn't eat it! He said, 'Well, there was this girl, and she was hungry...' That's how he never has nothin'! He gives everything away!"

Well. Old Buddy IS a helper...