Monday, October 19, 2015

Fighting Technology With Thevictorianology

You know those scammer calls about your Windows computer having a problem, with the kind technician with a thick accent who has sought you out to fix the issue if you will only give him your personal information? Yeah. I knew you would be familiar with these selfless folks who only want to help you from their Windows computer headquarters, all 10,000 of them sharing one office cubicle.

A couple of months ago, we were getting these calls a couple times a week, from several different numbers. I didn't always pick up, unless the area code looked similar to one that Genius might have been near, in which case I answered, just in case it was an emergency. The last call I remember answering, I told the guy, "This is a SCAM! You do not know anything about my computer, SO STOP CALLING ME!" A little wordy, I admit, but I think I got my point across. No more calls.

Until Saturday morning at 9:20. I was sitting in the La-Z-Boy, with the phone right beside me. I never know when I've been selected to win a free vacation. It's more exciting than those times I've been targeted by the IRS filing a lawsuit, and sending local law enforcement to arrest me. So I answered.

It was about my Windows computer. Again, I said, "This is a SCAM! Do not call me again!" Then I hung up. Sometimes, I just lay the phone down to take up their time. But since I had already answered, (dagnabbit!), giving them the satisfaction of knowing this was a working number, I just let them know I was onto them, and cut the connection.

I told The Pony, "I think next time I'll scream. To give them a surprise. I used to have a friend who kept a coach's whistle by the phone, and blew it when she got a crank call." Not the metal kind of coach's whistle with a wooden ball inside. Like for calling in elementary kids from recess. The plastic kind of coach's whistle with nothing inside. The shrill kind. Like a referee whistle. The Pony had no comment on my plans. As one who does not care about people, it makes no nevermind to him if a scammer a continent away has his eardrum perforated by Val's shenanigans.

I made a trip to town. Supervised The Pony in baking an Oreo cake for a how-to speech. Sat down to rest my flu-shot knee in the La-Z-Boy again. And got another call at 1:00. From a different number. The Pony was lounging on the long couch waiting for his cake to cool.

"I don't know this number. It's different from this morning. But I'm answering." The Pony made no move to acknowledge my comment, but only kept poking at his laptop.

"Hello..."

"Hello?"

"Hello!"

"This is Mike calling about a problem with your Windows computer--"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I screamed as loud as I could into the phone. "THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY COMPUTER!" I'm not sure Mike heard the second part. There goes my Oscar for such a moving performance.

The click on the receiver was quite satisfying. I glanced at The Pony, expecting a thumbs-up, perhaps, or a snicker. But he was as wild-eyed as a spooked racehorse on the way to the gate.

"What's wrong? Didn't you like how I handled that call?"

"No. No I didn't. Just...no."

"I even told you this morning that I was going to scream the next time. And you knew I didn't recognize the number."

"Yeah. But I can't believe you screamed into the phone. Don't ever do that again."

"I will. If I'm tricked into answering, and it's the Windows computer guy."

One of these days, they're going to take me off their list.

12 comments:

  1. We're on the do not call list & we get over a dozen calls a day. Why do you suppose that is?

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    1. I suppose that is because YOU ARE NOT VOCAL ENOUGH WHEN YOU ANSWER!

      See? See how off-putting that is? Give your lungs some exercise, and let 'er rip when you smell a scam.

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  2. I tell them I'm going to get my credit card so I can give them the information and then I watch a TV program and let them hang there on the line.

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    Replies
    1. So much more gentlemanly and calm than bursting their eardrum. Different strokes for different folks. I choose to destroy all hope (plus an eardrum), while you choose to let (false) hope and eardrums flourish. Same results. Fewer calls made about broken Windows computers.

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  3. The do not call list is no good, only the criminals call, and my friends won't.

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    Replies
    1. Apparently, you treat the criminals better than your friends!

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    2. Actually that was just a lame attempt to satirize a gun control argument.

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    3. Actually, I recognized that when I first read it, then I put on my CRAZY EYES and took it the other direction. But let the record show that I was not brandishing a replica gun.

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  4. I've done that before. I, too, felt quite satisfied. I, too, was shunned by my family. I can't understand it...

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    Replies
    1. Great minds, you know. They just haven't thought of it. So they are pouting and pretending it's not socially acceptable to scream at the phone scammers. They would probably discourage us from draping ourselves in velvet as well.

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  5. Back when we had a land line phone we used to get calls like that. None since we disconnected it and went to strictly a cell phone.

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    Replies
    1. Wow. You must get great reception. We need the land line if we want to eliminate that "Can you hear me now?" game every time we get a call. AND the free vacation people keep calling my cell phone, but they're a recording, and no fun for playing that game with, or for screaming at.

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