Hick Would Proudly Like You To Know...

For those of you who snidely well-meaningly jump to Hick's defense at the drop of a trucker cap, pointing the finger suggesting that Val is too critical of him...let the record show that my subject actually LIKES being the subject of my tales. Any attention is better than no attention. This morning he sat down on the short couch to lace up his shoes.

"Since you like writing stories about me, here's one for you. You know my tractor I bought?"

"The $10,000 one?"

"Yeah. I knew when I bought it the steering didn't work--"

"You paid $10,000 for it, KNOWING the steering didn't work?"

"Yeah. I could see that the highway department had tried to patch it. There was as rag tied around it to hold it together--"

"A RAG? What kind of rag?"

"A rag. A shop towel. Tied to hold it in place. I read on the internet that these tractors have this problem. It's from sitting outside. The oil evaporates, and they lock up. I took it apart, after hammering at it to loosen it up. But I couldn't see how to fix it. So I looked online. It costs about a hundred and sixty dollars to get a new part. But it will happen again. So I thought I would keep trying to see if I could fix it."

"So your steering hasn't been working all this time?"

"No. It works. But you turn the wheel and it keeps going straight, and then all at once it will go the way you turned the wheel."

"And you knew this when you bought it?"

"When my Oldest Boy got up on it to drive it on the trailer, he couldn't steer it."

"So that was AFTER you paid for it. You found out you couldn't steer it."

"Anyway, I took apart the steering [box? filter? pump? my mind was only hearing WAH WAH WAH by this time] and found it about 1/3 full of oil!"

"Um. So they put the wrong stuff in it instead of power steering fluid?"

"No. Oil belongs in it. But it was almost empty!"

"Wait. You put oil in where power steering fluid should go?"

"Oil, fluid. It's the same thing: OIL. But nobody calls it power steering oil. They call it power steering fluid."

"So what was the point of the rag? Or shop towel?"

"Oh, that was to hold the steering wheel in position! It's like a car steering wheel. It bevels. Has different positions you can set it to. But this one flops over. You have to hold it. So they tied a rag on it to hold it in place."

"So you're driving down the road with that steering wheel flopping all over the place?"

"No. Because the rag holds it."

"Well, for a hundred and sixty dollars, why don't you just get whatever part you need to make the steering work on a $10,000 tractor?"

"Because I think I can fix it. I already put more fluid in it--"

"You mean oil?"

"Yes. I already put more fluid in it and now it turns when you turn the wheel."

"You know, the real story here is your description of all this. Not the fact that after four months, you have figured out how to make the steering work on your $10,000 tractor."

"Whatever. I just thought you'd want to know that all I had to do was add fluid to make it turn when you turn the wheel."

"Good to know."

Let the record show that Hick is currently gone to an auction. A regular auction. Not one held twice a year by the Missouri Department of Conservation to unload unsteerable tractors.