Two Wrongs Make The Pony Sense His Plight

Once upon a time, Val was all health-conscious and whatnot. She had a standing appointment after school with her best ol' ex-teaching buddy Mabel to walk up and down the long, long hall of the workplace, logging two miles each afternoon. Genius and The Pony were pacified with a file cabinet drawer of snacks, and computer games like Roller Coaster Tycoon, and Contraptions. Every now and then, one would feel the need to tattle on the other. Genius waited by my classroom door for me to pass by. The Pony, finding his needs more urgent, trotted after us until he caught up.

This revelation is not so random as you might think. On the way to work Thursday, I asked The Pony for a Christmas gift.

"My back really itches. I wish I had a backscratcher in the car. That's what you can get me for Christmas. A backscratcher. It can be like that red one on the table by the lamp. Wooden. Or it can be plastic. I'm not picky. In fact, as soon as I get to school, I'm going to get a clear plastic ruler out of my drawer, and jam it down my shirt collar. It works pretty good. You know, those clear blue or pink or green or yellow rulers that I got at Walmart several years ago. After I'm done scratching, I put it back in the drawer. If a kid asks to borrow a ruler, I get one out. It may or may not be the one I scratched my back with. They don't know, and neither do I."

"No. Just no. That is NOT right."

"Oh, you don't think THAT'S right? Let me tell you another story. Remember back when I used to walk after school with Mabel? While you and Genius played computer games?"

"Uh huh."

"While I was waiting for you two to ride the bus over to my building, and for Mabel to get all dolled up in her special workout clothes, I changed my shoes and socks. I got my walking shoes out of the cabinet, and the white socks I brought every day, and put my foot up on one of those blue hard-plastic chairs at a desk over by the door. It didn't take long. I peeled off my black crew socks and put on the white ones. My legs were so dry! A bunch of skin flakes always fell off on the seat of the chair during the change. I meant to brush them off, but Mabel would show up at my door, or you guys would come in telling me about your day, and I got sidetracked."

"Yuck."

"Oh, that's not all! Nobody sat there first hour. But second hour, this one girl did. She's the one I told you about the other day. The one who had a pimple between her eyes, and complained that she was not having a good day, and it was only second hour. She asked to go turn in a late assignment to another teacher. As soon as she left the room, one of the guys said, 'Don't anybody say anything, because she'll kill me, but every time I look at her, I think she grew a third eye.' Remember? That girl."

"I remember."

"So anyway, she came in one morning, and I could tell she was not having a good day again. No pimple, though. She plopped her stuff down on her desk, waved her arms, told us everything that had gone wrong that morning, and said, 'And I am sick of coming in here to find that the person who sits at this desk the class before me has been eating crackers again! This chair is always full of cracker crumbs!' She wiped them off on the floor with her hand and sat down. I didn't say a word."

"Probably just as well."

"Yeah."

"But so very wrong."

"Yeah. But it makes that ruler thing seem okay, huh?"

"Aye yi yi."

I'm pretty sure I detected a forehead-palm in my rearview mirror.