Go Ask Alma
Alma Green teaches Spanish at a midwestern high school. Her true vocation, though, is selling black market edibles. Officially, Alma's students call her Senora Verde. But behind her back and wide-brimmed sombrero, they advise fellow rule breakers to "Go ask Alma" when somebody needs a dose of flavor.
Yes, public school cafeteria regulations prevent students and faculty from enjoying tasty meals. Alma saw the market right away. Tired of bland bread, sunflower seed butter, mushy noodles, saltless Saltines, sawdust-tasting little donuts, cheeseless broccoli, and golf-ball-size apples for dessert...Alma's clandestine customers are willing to pay big bucks for food they will actually eat.
Can Alma keep mining her mother lode indefinitely? Or will she get caught with her hat down? Will the peanut girl get revenge for that unplanned ambulance ride to the hospital? Get yourself a heaping helping of "Go Ask Alma" to find out! (145 words)
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Fake Reviews
for Val’s Fake Book
JIF..."Choosy moms don't choose Thevictorian's fake books. I'm surprised there hasn't been a rash of allergic reactions. Let this one rot on the shelf."
Skittles..."There's no accounting for some people's tastes. Especially not the ones who buy this fake book. They are the kind of people whose rainbow would end in a cow pasture. After the first green grass of spring."
Kit Kat Bar..."Gimme a break! Nobody better even share this fake book with me! Seriously! I'm about to snap!"
Unready Cheez-It Cheese Wheel..."This book sucks. Thevictorian sucks, too. I found that out when I fake-read her last fake book: Ice Bank Mice Elf."
Lay's Potato Chips..."The only good thing we can say for Thevictorian is that you CAN stop after one of her fake books. In fact you could stop BEFORE one, but we're trying to be nice here."
Mr. Chips..."I'm afraid that anybody who fake-buys this fake book says GOODBYE to sanity. I will never forget this author, and will be on the lookout for any of her progeny who try to write like she does. As for now, Thevictorian owes me 100 lines. Lines that are NOT from this fake book."
Mr. Dobbins, Tom Sawyer's Schoolmaster..."If I had caught Tom looking through my copy of this fake book, I would not have whipped him. Just being exposed to this tome is punishment enough. I rue the fact that Tom did not rip every page in it."
Miss Landers..."Leave it to Thevictorian to destroy the English language with her fake book. Her prose is as ugly as the three-eyed monster on the sweatshirt Theodore Cleaver wore to school. His teacher, Mr. Collins, had to send him to Mrs. Rayburn's office! I'm sure Val Thevictorian's early teachers never expected her to go wrong, either. But she has. And no amount of slips-that-should-have-been handkerchiefs can make up for this unforgivable act."
From Sir, With No Love..."I am sick of Thevictorian's foul language, crude behavior, and sluttish manner. There are certain things a decent woman keeps private, and this fake book is one of them. Those of you who encouraged her are just as much to blame. I am going to leave this book blurb for five minutes, and when I come back, this disgusting fake book had better be burning in that stove to incinerate the stench. If you must read this rotten fake book, please do so in your home, and not in my classroom."
Virgil Tibbs..."They call her Mrs. FIBS! This fake book is a real crime. Thevictorian has no idea what goes on inside a school. She will come to no good end if she continues to sell herself in this manner."
JIF..."Choosy moms don't choose Thevictorian's fake books. I'm surprised there hasn't been a rash of allergic reactions. Let this one rot on the shelf."
Skittles..."There's no accounting for some people's tastes. Especially not the ones who buy this fake book. They are the kind of people whose rainbow would end in a cow pasture. After the first green grass of spring."
Kit Kat Bar..."Gimme a break! Nobody better even share this fake book with me! Seriously! I'm about to snap!"
Unready Cheez-It Cheese Wheel..."This book sucks. Thevictorian sucks, too. I found that out when I fake-read her last fake book: Ice Bank Mice Elf."
Lay's Potato Chips..."The only good thing we can say for Thevictorian is that you CAN stop after one of her fake books. In fact you could stop BEFORE one, but we're trying to be nice here."
Mr. Chips..."I'm afraid that anybody who fake-buys this fake book says GOODBYE to sanity. I will never forget this author, and will be on the lookout for any of her progeny who try to write like she does. As for now, Thevictorian owes me 100 lines. Lines that are NOT from this fake book."
Mr. Dobbins, Tom Sawyer's Schoolmaster..."If I had caught Tom looking through my copy of this fake book, I would not have whipped him. Just being exposed to this tome is punishment enough. I rue the fact that Tom did not rip every page in it."
Miss Landers..."Leave it to Thevictorian to destroy the English language with her fake book. Her prose is as ugly as the three-eyed monster on the sweatshirt Theodore Cleaver wore to school. His teacher, Mr. Collins, had to send him to Mrs. Rayburn's office! I'm sure Val Thevictorian's early teachers never expected her to go wrong, either. But she has. And no amount of slips-that-should-have-been handkerchiefs can make up for this unforgivable act."
From Sir, With No Love..."I am sick of Thevictorian's foul language, crude behavior, and sluttish manner. There are certain things a decent woman keeps private, and this fake book is one of them. Those of you who encouraged her are just as much to blame. I am going to leave this book blurb for five minutes, and when I come back, this disgusting fake book had better be burning in that stove to incinerate the stench. If you must read this rotten fake book, please do so in your home, and not in my classroom."
Virgil Tibbs..."They call her Mrs. FIBS! This fake book is a real crime. Thevictorian has no idea what goes on inside a school. She will come to no good end if she continues to sell herself in this manner."
This book is a recipe for disaster and should be avoided like Brussel sprouts.
ReplyDeleteI like Brussel sprouts...they go well with dirty water cocktails.
DeleteI would never serve Brussel sprouts if I invited Miss Landers and her bare elbows to dinner.
DeleteGood to know that Joe won't be hiding his sprouts in the pocket of his suit jacket, or under his mashed potatoes.
Val--Your reviewers show 1) your humor 2) your eclectic tastes and 3) your far-reaching memory. A little "heat of the night," a little Lou Lou-less Sidney Poitier, a little Theodore... and everything in-between.
ReplyDeleteAs always, the reviews are just as good as the blurb. Thanks for being one of the only ones willing to play along...
As always
I live for the reviews! It's like the blurb is the Brussel sprouts, and the reviews are the dessert!
DeleteThis fake book turns my real stomach!!
ReplyDeleteLucky you're not a cow, then. That would be FOUR turned stomachs!
DeleteYour reviews make me wheeze after laughing so hard.
ReplyDeleteMy apologies. I think they're probably an acquired taste, and I'm glad you have a sarcasm tooth.
DeleteAnyone who has eaten in a school cafeteria can truly relate to this! Where was Alma when I was in school! What a great twist to this picture! I love how creative you are!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I started by thinking of what you could smuggle in a hat, and remembered how the kids (and teachers) detested the new food regulations and loss of taste in their lunches.
Delete