Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #42 "The Drawing of Bloody Old Faye"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. Lock the doors and turn up the lights. Put 911 on speed dial. This week's fake book will have you making furtive glances over your shoulder. It's the story of a ne'er-do-well lass who can't bear to lose her good looks. The good looks that lie beside her in bed. The good looks she picked up along Route 15.

Pry up your bedroom floorboard and still your beating heart. Pop open a cask of Amontillado. All it takes is a pittance of fake money to put you on the edge of your seat and allow you entrance into the world of scaredy-cats. If you hear a tapping or gentle rapping at your chamber door...don't answer. Because it's not a raven, and it sure as Not-Heaven isn't a radiant maiden named Lenore.

The Drawing of Bloody Old Faye

Faye Phippster likes young men. Such as the cute hitchhiker she picked up on Route 15 in her AMC Gremlin, in the days when the bloom of youth was upon her, who soon shared her bed and her life.

Artie is quite the sketch artist. He captured Faye's beauty the first night, a cross between Jennifer Lawrence and Vivien Leigh. Artie is man-beautiful. A caliber of male flesh to which Faye is unaccustomed. When Artie announces plans to leave, Faye makes a deal with The Devil. In exchange for her soul, The Devil gives Faye her wish to keep young, virile Artie with her forever.

Will the sheriff come a-knockin' about bottles of "Youth Serum," missing hitchhikers, and mounds of dirt on Faye's farm? Will Artie come to his senses and see that his benefactor is an aged crone, totally unlike the picture he sketches of her every day? (149 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Pablo Picasso..."How realistic is this? Nobody wants to look at that portrait. Same for the author. Nobody wants to read about REAL life. Get an imagination already!"

Vincent Van Gogh..."I am beyond being impressed! Do not spend your fake money on this worthless literature! I'd give part of my left ear if I could go back in time and not read this fake book."

Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec..."This fake author comes up short. It is obvious that fake-writing is NOT her oldest profession. I am shocked that she would prostitute herself in such a manner to sell fake books."

Paul Gauguin..."Thevictorian's fake book is most generously described as primitive. Reading this fake book made me want to get away from it all. It's somebody else's turn to watch this fake author."

Rembrandt Van Rijn..."Thevictorian lacks attention to detail.Somebody needs to help her see the light, and give up this folly of fake-writing."

Salvador Dali..."This fake book takes only an hour to read, but it feels like eternity. The author makes time persist outside Earthly boundaries. After reading this story, I felt completely limp, as if my entire body needed mustache wax to hold its shape, and as if my memory had been warped. That is not a positive endorsement."

Claude Monet..."I, too, am not impressed with Thevictorian's fake book. Allow me to shed some light on her work. Her fake writing is a harsh medium from which we must all pick up a parasol and protect ourselves."

Jackson Pollock..."Thevictorian? What a drip! Her fake books are not so much novels as a multitude of letters scattered willy-nilly over a page, like paint spatter. How people can call this literature is beyond me."

Peter Paul Rubens..."From the looks of the author's photo on the fake-book jacket, I think I would like to paint her. Which says nothing about her qualifications as a writer."

Andy Warhol..."Fifteen minutes? This fake author doesn't deserve fifteen SECONDS of fame! Unless it's infamy. Thevictorian's fake-writing style is so hair-raising that it could curdle Campbell's Tomato Soup inside the can!"