"Oh, no! The heartbreak of psoriasis!"That was my first thought. Not an official diagnosis.
Last night, while sitting in the warm glow of my New Delly in my dark basement lair, I reached my hand up to scratch a little itch on my throat, and instead encountered a rough scaly patch where the neck turns into chest, just before evolving into cleavage.
"NO! I don't want a lesion! I'll need to get this checked out. Why haven't I noticed this before? Why hasn't somebody said, 'You have a big scaly patch right where your shirt collar gaps open.' Is nobody looking? Am I THAT unappealing?" Sara Barron has a book, People Are Unappealing: Even Me. It's hilarious, but me not getting noticed when my skin is rotting away is NOT.
"Maybe I can soothe the dryness with a little saliva. It works for dogs." Not MY saliva, mind you. I don't go around licking the skin lesions of dogs. And I don't let dogs lick mine. I mean how a dog's saliva is good for a dog's skin lesion. So my saliva might be good for my skin lesion. Oh, and did I ever tell you about the class I had that referred to saliva as SALARVA? No? Just an oversight, I guess.
But getting back to my rotting flesh...I licked my index finger and bad finger on my left hand (I use my left hand a lot, and I'm probably ambidextrous, but I don't have time to brag right now because, have you heard, I have a skin lesion that needs moisturizin' with
But the good news is that I'm OKAY! No rough scaly patch. I only wish this would have happened out in public with both of my boys across the table from me. While I was holding The Pony's balls, and telling him to check out his brother's package. I'm sure you fondly remember those two tales. He, himself, does not. Fondly, I mean. The Pony remembers them all right. As far as Genius...I never really embarrassed him like that, except for having an insatiable desire to use the word REDONKULOUS.
I feel glad about my neck.
And--according to an episode of "Friends"--if you had been stung on the throat by a jellyfish, you could have soothed the sting by peeing on it.
ReplyDeleteNow, what kind of contortionist would you have to be to do that?
(You could also embarrass Genius by reenacting the video to "Uptown Funk" in front of him and his friends. Or singing Iggy Azaela's "Fancy"...or dancing and singing to pretty much anything that's on the pop radio station right now. Kids just don't appreciate their parents' talent.)
It's a good thing that you are cured! And the last line of this post put a smile on my face.
ReplyDeleteSioux,
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid (or perhaps RELIEVED would be a better term) that such a feat cannot be accomplished by Val.
As for your second suggestion, I would first have to have listened to music in this century, and then feel the urge to get off my duff and boogie. Not. Gonna. Happen.
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Donna,
Thank you. Good to see that at least TWO people cared enough to send the very best, a comment acknowledging my short illness and immediate recovery.