Val's Newest Affliction Responds To One of the Oldest Cures

You'll never guess what health problem is attacking me now! So I'll tell you. Because I don't believe in all that hypercritical oaf confidentiality clause crap. Are you sitting down? Do you have your Gray's Anatomy reference book open on your lap? Let's begin.

"Oh, no! The heartbreak of psoriasis!"That was my first thought. Not an official diagnosis.

Last night, while sitting in the warm glow of my New Delly in my dark basement lair, I reached my hand up to scratch a little itch on my throat, and instead encountered a rough scaly patch where the neck turns into chest, just before evolving into cleavage.

"NO! I don't want a lesion! I'll need to get this checked out. Why haven't I noticed this before? Why hasn't somebody said, 'You have a big scaly patch right where your shirt collar gaps open.' Is nobody looking? Am I THAT unappealing?" Sara Barron has a book, People Are Unappealing: Even Me. It's hilarious, but me not getting noticed when my skin is rotting away is NOT.

"Maybe I can soothe the dryness with a little saliva. It works for dogs." Not MY saliva, mind you. I don't go around licking the skin lesions of dogs. And I don't let dogs lick mine. I mean how a dog's saliva is good for a dog's skin lesion. So my saliva might be good for my skin lesion. Oh, and did I ever tell you about the class I had that referred to saliva as SALARVA? No? Just an oversight, I guess.

But getting back to my rotting flesh...I licked my index finger and bad finger on my left hand (I use my left hand a lot, and I'm probably ambidextrous, but I don't have time to brag right now because, have you heard, I have a skin lesion that needs moisturizin' with salarva saliva) and rubbed that saliva on there to see if my skin felt better. And IT DID! By that I mean that my chest skin felt the same, but under my fingers, that patch became as smooth as a baby's butt. Because my saliva apparently dissolved the residue left over from when I was a bit too ambitious in feeding my face a delicious too-big bite of broccocaulipeppot, and a floret of broccoli coated with Velveeta and some potato starch fell there, and I grabbed it and ate it because, hey, there are starving children somewhere who would love to have that bite of veggie goodness, even off of old Val's skin lesion.

But the good news is that I'm OKAY! No rough scaly patch. I only wish this would have happened out in public with both of my boys across the table from me. While I was holding The Pony's balls, and telling him to check out his brother's package. I'm sure you fondly remember those two tales. He, himself, does not. Fondly, I mean. The Pony remembers them all right. As far as Genius...I never really embarrassed him like that, except for having an insatiable desire to use the word REDONKULOUS.

I feel glad about my neck.