Thursday, June 18, 2015

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! New Product Slated For Release at Proposed Handbasket Factory Opening!

Yes, Hick, my sweet baboo, has given me yet another idea for a product to hawk from the counter of my proposed handbasket factory.

Throw blankets made of dryer lint!

Come on! You know you'd buy one. I haven't worked out my pricing schedule yet. Some will be worth more, of course. The throw blanket made of one continuous lint trap segment. Like a complete apple peel or potato peel, this blanket is a rare bird. It may even have the feathers of a rare bird in it! You never know. I could be as versatile as Bubba Gump's shrimp menu. Baby lint throws, back-of-couch-draping lint throws, snuggling-in-front-of-the-fireplace (NOT TOO CLOSE!) lint throws, grandma's-feather-bed lint throws, patchwork lint throws, holiday lint throws, college mascot lint throws...the possibilities are endless.

You may be wondering how I came upon such a scathingly brilliant idea. Wonder no more! Hick did not actually approach me with this concept. He's a subtle sort. More secretive. You might recall that Hick does his own laundry because he hard-headedly refuses to put his clothes in a hamper. No wife of Hick's is going to tell him what to do with his dirty clothing! So he washes the pile himself, when he's good and ready. Which is generally when he runs out of clothing. Because he's a giving kind of guy, Hick always, always, always leaves the lint trap full for me to clean out. My lint trap runneth over with the raw materials for my new product.

In addition, Hick leaves behind the fabric softener sheet. Sometimes in the dryer, sometimes smoothed out on top of the dryer, where The Pony's clothes are often stacked. Not one to let raw materials go to waste, Val has been cooking (or at least warming and heating) up a new product idea: Fabric Softener Freshen-Ups.

Just think. Everybody can use a Freshen-Up. Ladies can carry them like dainty kerchiefs, to dab at a glowing brow during the Missouri summer. Or fold them up into a sachet to tie about their neck to drape between, and catch those rivulets Fellas can stuff them in sneakers overnight to absorb their foot drippings. Or put them in their slacks pockets to counteract their manly musk. Or take one out of their European carryall or fanny pack to blot their armpits in times of undue stress.

Please keep this information on the down-low, because I'm telling it to you on the up-and-up, so for the love of all that is VAL-ly, please keep it under your hat. I have not yet patented my new products.

Can't have street vendors stealing my thunder.


  1. Get that patent and you'll be rich enough to stop buying those lottery tickets.

  2. Laundry lint comes from different laundry, will you rank your products? Grade A lint, dirty sock lint, underwear (uggh) lint.

  3. joeh,
    There's an idea! You know, there's a buyer for everything. Even the underwear lint throw. You might not want to shake their hand after the purchase, but a paying customer just the same.

    Stephen and Catalyst,
    I appreciate the thought behind this intervention, but I will not go to treatment today. Where is Linda when I need her?

    Some people like to use their disposable income for guitars, or cameras, or writing retreats, or fishing trips, or fancy chocolates, or Caribbean cruises, or travel halfway around the world (possibly even to our newest island empire, England), or dirty-water cocktails, or a prime rib that serves 25 people. I, however, prefer to spend mine on 44 oz Diet Cokes, gas station chicken, and lottery tickets.

    Since I am still able to pay my credit card bill off at the end of the month, even though someone who likes to buy tractors with disposable income charged one...I don't think I'm yet a candidate for 1-800-BETS-OFF.

    But thank you for your concern. It takes a blogosphere to curtail Val Thevictorian. ;)

  4. Val--Foot drippings? Yuck.

    Your lint blankets would be great for old people, to comfort them as they head from this life to the next one.

    However, where I am probably going, I don't think I'm going to be needing a blanket.

    1. Those people at The Good Feet Store always neglect to discuss the foot drippings. You'd think that with their outrageous prices...don't get me started!

      Yes, my Elderly Overlays could hold in the heat in place of their parchment-like translucent skin. While you, Madam, will not be wanting to hold in the heat...though perhaps I could invent an ice-water-dispensing contraption that you can take with you.