Are you sitting down? That's not a rhetorical question. I'm serious. All of you who have a habit of standing while you catch up on your blog-reading need to plop your fanny onto the settee. I will not be responsible for any concussions incurred from fainting falls.
Okay, now that you're seated, get a grip, brace yourself, and hang onto your hat.
MY MOM IS OUT OF SLAW!!!
Easy there. Don't be jolted off the settee as the world stops revolving, spinning slowly down to die. Baby, Mom a-wants slaw. She would give everything she owns just to have her slaw again. SLAW! Look what you've done to her! You've taken the heart of her, and left just a part of her. Mom went truckin' down the highway. I hope you got outta her way. Wouldn't you know it? She wouldn't show it. But Mom was looking for all the sweet slaw she could find.
Here's the deal. I tried to call Mom this morning at 7:50. She didn't answer. I felt a bit guilty. Maybe she was sleeping in. So I tried again immediately. Time for her to get up. No answer. I DID NOT call her cell phone. No sirree, Bob! I would not be responsible for thirty minutes of purse-rummaging to grab that cell phone from right where she always puts it. I vaguely remembered her mentioning that she might get out this morning to go to the store. She had planned on it Thursday evening when she brought The Pony home. Because SHE WAS OUT OF SLAW. Uh huh. And she had three sausages left, with no slaw! But she didn't want to deal with Walmart at the end of the day.
About an hour later, Mom called me back. "Did you call me?"
"Yes. But I'm folding laundry now. I'll call you in a few minutes." That gave her time to get settled. Because there is no such thing as a quick phone call to Mom. I will abbreviate the conversation. I know you don't have thirty minutes. You might be folding laundry and placing it upon the settee beside you.
"I saw that you had called. I went to Walmart to get my slaw."
"I was getting worried when you didn't answer, but then I remembered you were going to pick up some slaw."
"Well! They were out! I looked and I looked, and the whole slaw section was empty! So I asked one of the deli workers, 'Is there someplace else I should be looking for the slaw?' And that woman said, 'Oh, we don't have any. We may not have it until this afternoon, because we had a power outage, and we had to throw a bunch of it away, and we haven't had time to restock.'"
"See? I told you I would pick some up for you at Save A Lot yesterday morning and give it to you when you brought The Pony home. Then you would have had slaw."
"I know you did. But I just don't like Save A Lot slaw as much as I like Walmart slaw. It is really good."
"So now you don't have slaw. What are you going to do with those sausages?"
"Well, at first I thought I'd run back over to Walmart this afternoon. But then I thought, 'I'm not going to mess with that on the weekend. I'll get it next week.'"
"How can you go that long without slaw?"
"Oh, I have slaw. I went by Save A Lot and picked some up."
My mom. She loves her slaw.