Sunday, April 14, 2013

Say It With a Box of Meat

Some people are just too nice.

Yeah. I know you are all thinking about me. My name simply jumps into people's heads when nicety is mentioned. "That Val! She is such a NICE person. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that she exhales the aroma of fresh-baked cookies (chocolate chip!), perspires a simple sugar solution that results in a coat of many hummingbirds, poots gumdrops, and leaves footprints of marzipan wherever she steps. She's a sweetie!" I won't refute your opinion.

But enough about me. The subject today is my much-maligned husband, Hick. Oh, don't think I plan to stop maligning him! Where's the fun in THAT? I merely wish to give a glimpse into the soul of my intrepid junk-trader.

Hick goes to the auction two or three times a week. Not the same auction. I don't even know where they are. He manages to make time for them between his flea market and Goodwill runs. This bargain-hunting behavior is his hobby, not his full-time job. Ever-helpful, he is always on the lookout for items that would please others. My mom had to ask that he stop buying her glass cake plates. She has no more room to store them. I, myself, requested that Hick cease contemplating the purchase of AUCTION MEAT. I can manage on our household budget. No need to buy a box of unidentified protein. The fact that the box was simply marked, "MEAT" was a deal-breaker for me. Now Hick has joined forces with Genius to corner the used camera market.

Genius knows his cameras. He cannibalizes lenses and flashes, and sells the main camera bodies online. However, he does not accompany Hick to the auctions. A few Goodwill sorties are as far as he goes. Last night, Hick saw what he fancied to be a fantastic camera find for Genius. As he started to bid, a lady told him, "I REALLY want this camera." Hick respected her wishes. He had a pocketful of money from his recent goat sale, but he held back. He knows what it's like to want a piece of memorabilia. Imagine his surprise when that lady nabbed her camera for five dollars, and declared, "I can sell this for $180 on eBay!"

Hick licked his wounds by purchasing the lesser babka of the night's cameras. Genius was still happy as a clam to get the lesser one, and stands to make in the high two figures from it. Hick feels a bit resentful about the five dollar ordeal. But he would do the same thing again. "You try to be nice and help out the people you see every week."

Maybe he can buy that lady a box of auction meat to show that there are no hard feelings.


  1. A box of meat is a nice way of getting rid of a body, mafia style.

  2. Yes, those boxes of "meat" might be filled with ground Jommy Hoffa. Jommy, the Jamaican cousin of Jimmy Hoffa.

  3. ha ha you stole my thunder. I was going to say offer her the box of "meat". Hick is a wheeler dealer.

  4. Birdie,
    Perhaps you should not divulge too many secrets of the Cosa Nostra. Especially those things you learned watching Growing Up Gotti.

    Maybe that box meat was jerk chicken. The human kind of chicken that was afraid of ending up like Jommy Hoffa.

    Just because you have given Sioux a possible T-shirt idea to market at my proposed handbasket factory outlet store does NOT mean she will give you a cut of the action.