Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Enough is Not Nearly as Good as a Feast

Yesterday I had to stay late at work for our First Monday meeting. The Pony was with me, Genius had scammed five dollars to feed himself between his robot practice and his girlfriend's soccer game, and Hick was on his own for the evening meal.

I know Hick is not a gourmet chef. He's not even a Rachel Ray cook. If it ain't hot dog, Hick ain't eatin'. To make supper more convenient for him, or, some might say, to enable him...I left food on the top shelf of the refrigerator where he couldn't miss it. I DID stop short of putting a note on it. Surely even Hick could warm up some leftover baked chicken in the microwave, and open a bag of vegetables and dip them in Hidden Valley Ranch. Seriously. How hard could that be for a grown man? I'm sure there are unattended toddlers and single-digit latchkey kids who can whip up a winning Chopped meal with these ingredients. In 20 minutes.

He could do it. Had I not restocked the wooden Everyday China paper plate holder on the counter by the microwave? Had I not explained to Hick Monday morning that I had mixed up the Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing powder in a tub of sour cream, and put it right beside that chicken? Had I not explained that I bought that bag of mini carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower florets for dipping? Let me answer for you: yes.

Image my surprise this morning when I arose before Hick and went to the fridge to get my poor Pony a ham sandwich for his lunch bag. The top shelf was bare! Okay, so there wasn't that much chicken left, and I had expected Hick to finish it off. He likes meat. And, to be fair, the sour cream tub was still sitting there in front of the milk. Which could prove to be problematic, because I could find neither hide nor hair of the bagged veggies. I looked behind the water bottles and the cheese I cut last week. No veggies. I looked on the shelf underneath, on top of the whole-grain wraps and bags of shredded cheddar and mozzarella. No veggies. I looked in the crisper, though I told myself that the last place Hick would ever put veggies is in the crisper. I was right. No veggies.

After my shower and fruitless attempt at a morning recliner nap, after getting Genius off to his W.Y.S.E. state competition, after calling my mom for our morning What Did Hick Do Yesterday chat...I spoke straight to the horse's as--MOUTH. "Hey, where did you put the rest of those veggies last night?"

"The REST of them? I ate them."


"Well, I looked at the side, and it said 'four servings.' But they were only 25 calories apiece. So I ate them."

"With dip?"

"No. I microwaved them."

"Without anything on them?"

"Oh, I put a little bit of cheese on them."

"A little bit? What KIND of cheese?"

"That yellow sprinkle cheese that's in that bag. And the last of the slices your mom sent from Easter."

"You ate a WHOLE BAG of microwaved carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower?"

"Uh huh. And that chicken. In fact, when Genius came in later, he asked what I did. I didn't even notice until I came back from the goat pen. The house smelled like that cauliflower."

Yeah. One way or another.


  1. Yeah, in one end and out the other...

  2. An entire bag? Oh I hope you wear a gas mask to bed.

  3. But veggies are healthy food--and are even edible with the proper mound of cheese. Anything is more yummy with a mound of cheese---well maybe not ice cream. But then, I haven't tried that one YET.

    As for waiting in line for prescriptions. Heaven help us if we needed those meds quickly or if we were too ill to hang around with a bunch of other sick-os to get those million dollar pills. Barfing on the floor is frowned upon and gets you hustled quickly away. I tried it.

  4. joeh,
    It's all about the condiments. I probably could have gotten The Pony to eat the whole bag if I slathered those vegetables in ketchup.

    He's a walking, talking alimentary canal.

    Hick is a man who never shook hands with moderation. Sadly, HE is the one who wears the gas mask to bed. Except it forces gas in, rather than keeping it out.

    We had a kid at school years ago who licked nacho cheese off the tile when it was spilled. Allegedly, a girl said she would give him $20 if he did it. Afterwards, another kid said, "I would have done it for a dollar." Behold: the power of cheese.

  5. Stephen,
    I have a feeling that when Genius noticed the smell of cauliflower, he realized it was NOT from cooking.