I just had the most scathingly brilliant idea!
might have noticed the recent popularity of cable network shows such as
Doomsday Preppers, Doomsday Bunkers, and the newest, Apocalypse 101. So
I figured that since people are genuinely interested in this subject, I
will avail my proposed handbasket factory to educate the prepping
masses. Yep. When I'm not hefting a hammer, hacking away at those
highly-crafted handbaskets, I will offer classes in how to select your
I saw one of the prepper shows
where some aging hippie folks lived in an old missile silo. It was
underground, of course. But they had it tricked out so you wouldn't
notice too much. And they had a little group of people that they were
planning to share their abode with when doomsday comes a-callin'.
Apparently they put a lot of thought into it. However...they looked like
the meekiest band of meeks that ever meeked, just sitting ducks waiting
for their recently-inherited earth to be ripped from their grasp as the
non-meeks pounded them into a pulp. Hippies are not the best at
designing a security plan, it seems. I, myself, could have wrested
power, property, and probably pot away from these withered flower
children. How hard is it to take down a harpist? And I swear, when they wanted to address the group, they passed around a flute of some sort like it was the conch in Lord of the
But getting back to my plan...every
post-apocalyptic society needs a hoarder. That's right. A hoarder.
Forget the mechanic and the doctor and the chef and the farmer. Surely
you've see those shows, too. Hoarders. Hoarding: Buried Alive. So you
must see what I'm getting at. How hard could it be to overpower a
hoarder? To kidnap one, even. They're not exactly working out in there
like a prison inmate who does billions of pushups and situps in his cell
each day. Hoarders are soft. Cushy. Plump. Or a bag o' bones. And
forget fighting back. They may have many a weapon, some new in the box
piled up near the ceiling, but they can't get their hands on it quick.
Taking supplies from a hoarder would be like taking candy from a baby.
Except you probably wouldn't want to put it in your mouth.
course, you would not want to injure your hoarder. Nope. Just trick
him. Puff in some smoke to calm him like a bee. Blindfold him with some
old clothes laying around, and lead him out of his house like a horse
from a flaming barn. Explain how sad you are that all of his hoard
perished. BUT...you can set him up with new stuff. See? You can go out
into the post-apocalyptic landscape and scavenge and plunder, while your
own supplies are safe, under the care of a hoarder. The hoarder will be
ever-vigilant. Fool him once, shame on him. Fool him twice...I don't
An added bonus of having your own hoarder is
that you never know what you might salvage from his stuff that you
didn't really destroy. You might have to trade it, or make it into
something he won't recognize. But you will have one of everything at
Also, the hoarder is unlikely to
complain. He's used to having no running water. No refrigeration. No
working toilet. He will pee and poop in a baggie if you ask him to. And
don't worry about feeding him. If any of your foodstuffs look iffy,
smell like they've gone over, just don't seem quite edible...give them
to the hoarder. It will be a delicacy as far as he's concerned. No need
to worry about where the hoarder will sleep. Give him an old bathrobe
for a blanket, and a tiny hollowed-out space in which to curl up, and
he'll arise bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, if a bit rumpled.
All in all, the hoarder's benefits outweigh any doubts of his mental stability. He will be an asset to any burgeoning colony.
No charge for your first lesson.