Friday, April 12, 2013

My Mom Would Never Tell a Lie in Church

Last night at 10:42 p.m., my mother and I had the following phone conversation:

"Oh, I meant to tell church on Sunday? Mrs. REDACTED sat down by me. She just went on about my necklace. She's one of those people who think they're just a little bit better than everybody else. She's always all done up and wearing lots of jewelry. So...she said, 'I just LOVE your necklace! It's beautiful! Look at how that gold shines! If you don't mind me asking, where did you get it?' "

"Please tell me you told her, 'My grandson gave it to me for Christmas.' "

"NO! I said, 'My grandson is really good at playing that grabber game at Walmart. He won this for me. He has a whole bunch of them, and every birthday and Christmas he gives me one. Isn't it pretty? I just love it.' When she heard that, she screamed, 'WALMART! That necklace came from WALMART?' And I told her, 'Uh huh. From that grabber game.' I think she was shocked."

"Couldn't you have simply said that your grandson got it for you at Walmart?"

"Oh, no. I wanted her to know where it came from. I get compliments on those necklaces all the time. It makes me so proud that The Pony won them, and wanted to give them to me."

"Well, he's been playing that street racing game lately, because he says there's nothing good in the grabber. So if you're expecting a birthday present at the end of May, I need to tell him to get on the stick."

"He's already given me so many. He doesn't have to give me more. But they are really pretty. I think about him every time I wear one."

FYI...when questioned about a gift for Grandma's birthday, The Pony stated that he still has a stash of necklaces in his room, and possibly three more strewn around the third-seat floor area of the Tahoe. He's a good grandson.


  1. You had better make sure those "strewn-around" baubles enjoy better concealment than on the floor of your car. Jewelry thieves would see those necklaces and break into Tahoe immediately.

  2. I like your mother. Hope she told Mrs. REDACTED which machine to use.

  3. joeh,
    I am quite proud of my mother for standing up for her choice of jewelry, and for The Pony for his mad grabber skillz and his generous nature.

    My little bauble-grabber. I think I'll keep him.

    Surely you jest. A jewelry thief has not yet been born who can see through the thick layer of dust coating all of the Tahoe's tinted windows. Except the windshield, of course. It is obstructed by the prints of little cat feet.

    The best scenario EVER would have been my mom and Mrs. REDACTED wearing the exact same necklace.

  4. I like to be passive-aggressive and tell people that think they are better than me that I get all my clothes at thrift stores. I would have loved to have seen the look on Mrs. REDACTED's face when she heard Wal Mart!

  5. Birdy,
    I hear it was priceless. As in: One play on the grabber machine at Walmart? Fifty cents. A fine church-going necklace on an old lady? One hundred dollars. Face of Mrs. REDACTED when caught being snotty? PRICELESS!