A Tale of Four Tickets

It was the worst of times, it was the best of times. It was the age of sniveling, it was the age of gloating. It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of knowing for a fact. It was the season of loss, it was the season of victory. It was the late spring of despair, it was the car ride of joy.

Take a little trip, take a little trip, take a little trip with me-eeee! No. That does NOT mean that Val is a low-rider. What it really means is: this is war. Or WAS war. On a little gambling trip Hick and I took with my sister the ex-mayor's wife, and the ex-mayor on Friday.

Let the record show that Hick and I had received offers from our new favorite casino, that being a free $20 for him, and $25 for me. Because I'm a high roller, you see. Not a low-rider. Which takes us back to war. The Ex-Mayor called me a couple hours before our departure, to say that he and Sis WOULD be able to go with us, because their pool man wasn't coming as planned. Not a problem. We adjusted our route in order to pick them up. They would have driven, but I prefer to ride in my own car with my own sweaver.

Anyhoo...on the way to pick them up, Hick stopped to get gas, and I went inside to cash in $115 worth of winning scratchers. I took $100 back, and bought four $5 scratchers, using a five I found in my regular purse when transferring my important documents to my gambling purse. Val has no use for fives. She needs ONES to spend on her daily 44 oz Diet Cokes, or TWENTIES for other purposes. You can't go around clogging your purse with fives and tens.

We were at least 45 minutes into our journey when I took out my scratchers. "Hey, you guys. I stopped on the way to cash in some tickets for gambling money, and I got four more tickets. Let's see if I can win anything."

"I'll buy one off you!" When the Ex-Mayor is in a gambling mood, he's in a gambling mood.

As you might imagine, Val was reluctant to give up one of her scratcher babies. How can you possibly decide which one to give away? What if it turns out to be a jackpot winner? I can't be one of those...um...people who give somebody something, and then wants it back. In order to preserve family tranquility, I agreed to sell the Ex-Mayor one of my tickets.

"Well...okaayyy. I'll just let you pick one. Because I know that whichever ticket you pick will be a loser!" We banter like that, me and the Ex-Mayor.

"That'd be MY luck!" Said Hick. Accurately.

"Here. Let me have them. I'll turn them around so he can't see what he's picking," said Sis.

"Give me the money for the ticket!" Val's slaw-loving momma didn't raise no fool.

"Oh. Uh. I only have four dollars."

"I am NOT giving you a ticket for four dollars!"

"Oh, here! I'll pay you his other dollar." Sis. The enabler. She shuffled the tickets and held them up so the backs were facing the Ex-Mayor. So the pretty colors didn't distract or influence him.

The Ex-Mayor drew his ticket. "Okay. Now do you have a coin I can use to scratch it with?"

"I can't believe you! NOW you want my change? I don't know if I have any. HEY! What are you doing?" Hick had reached into the coin holder built into A-Cad's console, and fished out a QUARTER! "PUT THAT BACK! Here. I've got a nickel. I'm using a penny myself. But I only have one." I waited for the Ex-Mayor to finish before I scratched my own tickets.

"Well, mine's a loser!" He was miffed! Like I should give him a refund.

"Heh, heh! I KNEW it would be! That's why I let you pick it for yourself. Now let's see what I'm going to win..."

"Just get on with it!"

"Oh, look! On the first row! I have a winner. It's the dollar symbol. Automatic winner! I'll wait to scratch the prize when I'm done. Okay. Let's see. FIVE DOLLARS! Better than being a LOSER!"

"Yeah, yeah. Do the next one."

"Oh! Right at the beginning! I got a money bag! I won TEN DOLLARS!"

"I can't believe you!"

"Well. That's the only winner on it. No numbers matched. Now let's do the Double Diamond. I wasn't even going to get it, but I had that five in my purse...Well. Nothing on the front. Now let's try the second chance on the back. WooHoo! I matched a ring! Let's see...FIVE DOLLARS!"

"I don't know how you do that."

"I don't know how YOU do THAT! You had four tickets to pick from, and you picked THE ONLY LOSER in the bunch!"

"Why don't you tell us what ELSE you've won lately!"

"I don't know why you guys are mad at ME because I'm lucky. You could have picked ANY of those, and left me with the loser."

Anyhoo...only Val can be the most thoughtful, giving person, selling someone a lottery ticket right out of her hand...and end up being the bad guy for asking for the price of the ticket, and the scratch coin back.

Seriously. What do they think I am, some kind Benevolent Order of Val's Sister's Husband Charity?

"This is probably not a good omen for the casino, you know." Sis is, at least, a realist.

There's the Ex-Mayor's ticket on the bottom. The LOSER. The odds of winning on each of these tickets is 1 in 4. Or in Val's case...3 in 4.

So...I spent $20 on tickets, and won $20. PLUS I raked in that $5 from the Ex-Mayor for the loser. Or technically, $4 from him, and $1 from Sis. In any case, I came out with $25 for my $20 investment.

Sadly, my casino experience was not for the profit column.