Val's Real Descriptive Fast-Food Menu

As part of my personal public service pledge, I occasionally veer away from complaining long enough to inform denizens of the blogospere about pertinent matters such as feces transplants, pulmonary embolisms, and the joys abandoned black dogs can bring their rescuers.

Today I shall use my public service platform to help fast-food junkies make informed decisions. Food is not always as it appears in commercials, you know.

Val's Eclectic Fast Food Menu (in no particular order or sections).

Dairy Queen Blizzard
More like a Dairy Queen Monsoon. No matter what time of day, or what kind of weather I purchase my Monsoon...it is runny. Runny like Campbell's Chunky Soup. I might as well order a shake, because the shake would be thicker than my Monsoon. I used to think the workers made it as soon as I ordered, and let it sit on the counter until I pulled up to the drive-thru window. Nope. The last one I saw created right before my eyes. And it was still runny. My best old ex-teaching buddy Mabel says I should ask them to turn it upside down at the counter. That's how they advertise the Monsoons. The cardboard cup even has a picture of the Monsoon upside down. Doesn't matter if it's a mini or a small, all Monsoons are runny. Don't take the spoon, ask for a straw.

Hardee's Cheeseburger
Not so much a cheeseburger as a large seeded bun sandwiching twin lakes of ketchup and mustard, with pickle chips the size of York Peppermint Patties. Somewhere, there's a wafer of charbroiled meatness, but it's hard to find. The hint of cheese is easily confused with the mustard.

Hardee's Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders
Elongated chicken nuggets fried up in peanut oil with batter crispy enough to break a tooth. The term breading is used loosely, as no bread is evident, only oily hard flour leavings.

Taco Bell Supreme Beef Burrito
A quilt-sized flour tortilla folded like the maker was taking a stab at the old "You Can't Fold A Piece Of Paper In Half More Than Seven Times" challenge. Once you have gnawed your way through one end, you might find the dollop of sour cream and shreds of lettuce with a light coating of red sauce interspersed with several cubes of diced tomato and a couple slivers of cheese. After that bite, you'll get into the burrito proper for two bites of bean paste and intermittent crumbs of a meatish product touted by one of my school lunch companions (who teaches nutrition) to be worm protein.

Ponderosa/Bonanza Steakhouse
You can order a variety of steaks, but don't ask for a chopped steak any other way than well done. They won't make it rare because they're afraid of spreading E. Coli or Mad Cow Disease. The food bar items poured right out of cans, sometimes heated to lukewarmity, full of salt and a chemical taste that's hard to describe. The food tastes as if it has been stored underground in a missile silo since the Cold War.

Little Caesar's Pizza
Crust that, once-cooled, has the consistency and flavor of drywall. Topped with a tiny bit of sauce and tasteless cheese.

Pizza Hut Pizza
Nondescript crust covered with a lake of salty sauce and a miniscule amount of cheese, sprinkled with two or three pieces of each topping.

Imo's Pizza
Best described by a work colleague as "Velveeta on cardboard." I must say, I'm all for Velveeta on cardboard if it tastes like Imo's. I'm a fan of the square beyond compare.

If that's not enough to encourage you to heat up your own food in the oven, or warm it in the microwave at home, I don't know what is.

Feel free to review your own restaurant non-favorites in the comments.