Time To Make More Room on the Counter of My Proposed Handbasket Factory

Eureka! I've found it! The perfect job for Hick!

He has a perfectly good job already, but he's a bit disgruntled when he gets home from a long day in the salt mine sweatshop keeping his nose to the grindstone. So I've found him something he can do from home.

HICK CAN START HIS OWN GREETING CARD LINE!

I discovered his talent by accident. Let's just say that Hick is not a silver-tongued devil. The devil part, maybe. He has less of a knack for words than Norm Crosby. No Nipsey Russell is our Hick. But he could be all the rage for guys like himself. Guys who know what they want to say, but simply cannot find their sentiments on a greeting card.

A couple of Hick's gems I still remember from when we were first married.

"You are like an elephant." So sweet, my special guy, my new husband. When I called him on it, Hick became defensive. "I didn't mean it bad. I meant...like...you never forget anything! You are like an elephant." Okay. No need to repeat it. Can't you see the card with this Hickism? A drawing of a healthy elephant on the front, perhaps adorned with false eyelashes, perhaps with a pink bow. YOU ARE LIKE AN ELEPHANT. And on the inside: You never forget anything! Such a compliment. Any gal would be pleased to receive such a card from her guy. Right?

"I like that skirt. It reminds me of a circus tent." Uh huh. So complimentary on my wardrobe. He couldn't believe I was offended. "No! I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean it's the SIZE of a circus tent. It's the colors. It's bright. I makes me think of a circus tent." Oh, how romantic this card could be. On the front, a colorful circus tent. Above it, YOUR SKIRT REMINDS ME OF A CIRCUS TENT. And on the inside: I can't wait to see what's under the Big Top! Yep. You know that's what's on every guy's mind. Why not just put it out there? No need to beat around the bush.

Yesterday morning, I had this major breakthrough concerning Hick's new proposed greeting card line. He had gone through a litany of complaints/suggestions for how I should behave. Not that he's controlling or anything. He just wants me to go to bed at 8:00 when he does, and get up at 5:00 when he does, and go to flea markets and auctions, and go down to his cabin, and walk around looking at his goats and chickens. You know. Everything he does. He summed it up quite well when he said, "I just want you to be me."

Huh! Aint' THAT the truth!

"Obviously. You want me to be you. That's the problem."

"No, no...that's not what I meant. I want you to be WITH me. That's what I should have said."

"But the other part is what it boils down to. You don't care about MY interests, but I should take on all of yours. Indeed. You DO want me to BE you."

That's the third card. On the front, just those words. I WANT YOU TO BE ME. And when you open it up, it's a picture of the guy with his face cut out, and a little silver mirror so the gal sees her face with his hair and hat and shirt, etc.

Yes. Hick's greeting card line would be called Hickmark. Besides those three, the others are a bit more racy. His attempts at wooing a woman with sweet nothings. Let's just say Hick gets right to the point. We cannot mention the verses in these other cards. The romantic line would be 47 Shades of Tan. Cards would be on paper sack material. Or perhaps original (or even used) white butcher paper, because they could smell like meat. Hey! Guys are the ones buying them, remember? Instead of envelopes, the cards would be closed with a knotted piece of twine that comes off hay bales when you're ready to feed the hay to your goats or minipony.

It could work. No sillier than guy candles called Mandles that smell like grass, wood shop, and gunpowder.