Once I returned home, I was pretty much a homebody. Too weak to carouse. Too weak to make a sortie to town for the essentials of life: 44 oz. Diet Coke and gas station chicken. My mom drove me to a couple of doctor appointments. I didn't much look around. Just held on and watched out for oncoming traffic so I could scream at Mom: "Watch out! I'm on blood-thinners, you know. If that truck smashes into my side of the car, I will spout blood like Old Faithful. But just know this. I forgive you for my exsanguination."
Monday I drove to school to do some unauthorized work to wrap up the year. My mind was on getting there and back. Not on the local scenery. Yesterday I met Mom halfway, and she drove me the rest of the way for a lab appointment so she could drop me off at the door. And in case I felt faint from the bloodletting afterwards. Again. Not concentrating on the surroundings. Today, The Pony and I could put off our Walmart provisions trip no longer. I decided to dip my tootsies in the shopping pool again. I have been feeling a little stronger each day. So as we went down our gravel road, approaching the mailbox row, I turned my head to check the creek for any of those big gangly birds we sometimes see, who take off like awkward low-on-power helicopters.
This is what I saw:
Yeah. Somebody had erected a tombstone for me. Not just any tombstone. No slab of pink granite hoisted to ninety degrees by some world-class champion cow-tippers moonlighting as tombstone erectors. Nope. Somebody had to wade out in that creek, pry that slippery tombstone rock from the bottom, and balance it with a big stick.
Seriously. Some people have too much time on their hands. At least they threw up this monument, which I am SURE was for little old me, and left EmBee our mailbox alone.
I suppose everybody needs a hobby. I am awaiting the hobbyist who carves names in stone.
I think it's a fish trap. Hit that stick with the tail and WHAM!
ReplyDeleteI'm just glad that isn't your driveway.
ReplyDeleteExsanguination: Now there's a five dollar word for something that's sure to get you to the front of the line in a medical establishment. Even the nurse at the doc-in-the-box got off her wheelie chair when I brought DH in with a bloody nose that would make Lady Macbeth squirm. Stay away from laceration danger when you're on blood thinners. Or you will need that headstone in the creek for certain.
ReplyDeletep.s. love joeh's comment
ReplyDeleteYou and Mark Twain...That means you're in great company.
ReplyDeleteApparently, you've become famous in your neck of the woods, otherwise nobody would have taken all that time to ensure that the monument erection (ha!) was successful.
I do hope you're feeling better... no tombstones!!!!
ReplyDeletejoeh,
ReplyDeleteYou have given me food for thought. And by that, I mean fodder for blog. Next time, you should heed the signs that say, "Do Not Feed Val."
*****
Stephen,
My driveway is high and dry. So high, in fact, that's it's a tornado runway, tempting twisters to set down and twirl a spell.
*****
Leenie,
In the back of my mind, I know to avoid bloodletting situations. But I am still in denial. I wish I had read your advice before trotting off to Terrible Cuts for the trimming of my lovely lady mullet. After I left, I nearly had a panic attack thinking of what might have happened if my Janice-Dickinson-lookalike haircutter had wielded her scissors in a reckless manner.
******
Sioux,
Yes. If it weren't for his greatly exaggerated death, we might be out in Calaveras County pitting our celebrated jumping frogs against each other at this very moment.
I think, Madam, that the word we're looking for here is not "famous," but rather "INfamous."
*****
Lynn,
How's this? "The erection of my tombstone has been greatly exaggerated." Today I felt almost normal for the first time in weeks.