I also wanted to show Mom pictures of The Pony that I found on the Missouri Scholars Academy website. He looks like he's having a rousing good time. Mom's favorites are the pictures of The Pony at the African Music and Dance presentation. Yes! The Pony is right in the thick of it, dancing away. And playing conga drums! Such a departure for our reserved Pony. I downloaded the photos and put them in Mom's picture file. They were the very first photos on her computer. Shocker, there. Then I showed her how to get to them in two clicks. I think she can do it.
While we were scanning several hundred pictures for a glimpse of The Pony, finding 17, which is pretty good, I think...I noticed a tab at the bottom that said Mom's computer was in grave danger from a security issue. Something like that. The thing she called the number from last week, and talked to a lady for 30 minutes, and pushed whatever computer buttons that lady told her to. "Look, Mom. This is a scam. You don't need to call that number. Close it. See? See how easy that was? Don't call them! Close it." Mom agreed. But I know how she is.
Mom wanted to print several of The Pony's pictures. I figured out how to download them and print. Mom has a color printer. I used to, but Genius replaced it with a non-colored laser printer. We laid a trio of Ponys on the table to dry. I leaned back from the computer, my hands clasped behind my head. Mom had been sitting shotgun on my right. She was up and down several times, peering at the screen with and without her bifocals. I was tired of sitting.
Mom stood up and reached for the shelf above her monitor. I assumed she was stretching, or getting a pen to write down instructions on how to find those pictures again. You know what happens when we assume. Mom grabbed a big tube of Bath and Body Works Vanilla Bean Noel Hand Lotion.
Mom was headed for a doctor's appointment later in the day, so I assumed she was lathering up to be presentable. You know what happens when we assume. Mom unscrewed the cap while I peered through her computer desk towards her TV with its newly-acquired DISH network. Before I knew it, MOM WAS SLATHERING VANILLA BEAN NOEL ALL OVER MY RIGHT ELBOW! That's a bit forward if you ask me. Even for a mom lotioning up her daughter.
"What are you doing?"
"Oh, do you mind? I just thought your elbow looked a little scaly, so I'm putting lotion on it for you. Is your other elbow dry?"
"No, Mom. My left elbow is totally smooth and moisturized."
"Okay." She started putting the lid back on the tube of lotion. Apparently, sarcasm is not well-detected by the newly-octogenarianated.
"Of course my left elbow is dry, too! Put some on it so they'll match!" I swiveled my left elbow to give her access. Which was entirely too much like exercise. "I can't believe you started putting lotion on my elbow without asking me!"
"Well, I didn't think you'd mind. I was only trying to help."
"Now you're making me think of Genius, at Grandpa's funeral, when the Ex-Mayor was still mayor, and had his arm resting along the back of the pew at the funeral home. Genius rubbed the Ex-Mayor's elbow, and said, 'Your elbow is crusty.' That got the whole row laughing. I can't believe the liberties you take with me!"
"Don't get me laughing. I'll choke."
"We wouldn't want that. What are you, drunk?"
"Oh, stop it! When you called this morning, I had just come up from turning off lights in the basement. I was hoping you wouldn't call, because then you would accuse me of drinking that bottle I'm going to give Hick. Then I ran out to the garage for a minute, and you called as soon as I got back in the house. That's why it took me four rings to answer."
"Do you have a bottle out in the garage, too?"
"No! Now stop it. There. Your elbow is smooth."
"Then put that lotion back and sit down."
Seriously. Who does that? I hope she's not like one of those hat-pin people who walk through crowds and poke their fellow pedestrians. Mom has always said she loves to watch people. Maybe she has just been scoping them out for recipients of her lotion treatment.
My mom. The Mad Moisturizer.
At least she doesn't lick her thumb and wipe smootz off your mouth.
ReplyDeleteor does she?
Your mom can rub lotion on my crusty elbows anytime.
ReplyDeleteDidn't they make a movie about your mom? Lotions 11?
ReplyDeleteVanilla bean lotion or mama's spit? Which would your prefer?
ReplyDeleteWho does that? Good moms do that. It's a mom's job to moisturize her kids no matter how old they are. It's in the job description.
ReplyDeletejoeh,
ReplyDeleteThat's probably only due to the fact that my mouth was smootzless.
*****
Stephen,
Be careful what liberties you allow. If you're in the habit of falling asleep at your desk while tap tap tapping on your computer keyboard...your moist elbows will splay, and you will crack your head on that keyboard. No more simple head-bobbing sleep for you!
*****
Sioux,
Yes. Mom is famous as an inspiration for various branches of the arts. Perhaps you've heard of Hemingway's long-lost last manuscript: "The Old Lady and the Lotion." It's about an elderly woman who goes 84 days without rubbing lotion on anybody, then sneaks it onto her daughter's elbows. Unfortunately, by the time the daughter gets home, she has bumped her elbows on various frames of various portals, and rubbed off the lotion. So the old woman's efforts were for naught.
*****
Linda,
I think vanilla bean lotion is much more marketable, from a business standpoint. I can't imagine that colorful tubes of Mama's Spit will sell very well on the counter of my proposed handbasket factory.
*****
Leenie,
At least she doesn't think it's above her pay grade. I whacked my elbow on the door frame of my dark basement lair last night, and thanks to Mom, it slid right past, and I didn't get a splinter.