The Pony is on his way to Missouri Scholars Academy. This will require living out from under my thumb, off my apron strings, for three weeks. THREE WEEKS!
This is a kid who does not even comb his hair. I slick it down in the morning at the kitchen sink if it is unruly from being slept on wet after his nightly shower. At least he is potty-trained, and brushes his teeth, and knows how to apply antiperspirant. I've been harping at him that he must eat something each meal, even though chicken may not be served three times a day. I've told him to drink plenty of water. How to do his laundry by using Tide Pods. How to declare that he would like to dance, but alas, does not know how, because girls simply LOVE a project like that.
Hick, on the other hand, gave him three pieces of advice. 1) A clip-on tie is good enough. Genius nearly had a conniption over this. He has a bit more sartorial flair. 2) Boys part their hair on the right side; girls part their hair on the left. I think I've mentioned this Hick Rule before. It drives me batty. And not just because I part my hair on the left. 3) Boys put on their belt by poking it through loops and sending it around the left side of their waist; girls put on their belt by poking it through loops and sending it around the right side of their waist. Seriously. Have you ever heard such a thing? I think belt looping depends on left- and right-handedness. Whichever way is easier to put that thing on and yank it back and put the lever through the holes. I know buttons are different for men and women. But that belt rule I've never heard of.
Needless to say, The Pony is a bit confused. Not about his gender, but about these arbitrary hair and belt rules. He has a double crown, as his old daycare-lady-the-former-beautician used to say when she cut his hair for free. His hair parts best on the left, though. And when Hick spoke sharply to stop his "wrong-way" belt-threading, The Pony said, "Wait. You mean there are loops all the way around, not just in the front?"
I need to keep a close eye on Hick, lest he start passing out business cards for House of Hick: Grooming and Etiquette Lessons for the Modern Man.
I run my belt through the loops beginning on the left siste, no doubt because I'm left handed. Now I'm worried I've been doing it wrong all these years.
ReplyDeleteLeft to right is the correct way.
ReplyDeleteThese are things I had never given much, no, any thought to. Just for fun I will ask He Who has hardly any hair left about the part.
ReplyDeleteWell now that Hick has given me something to ponder, I am going to take a gander at guys' looping system. Hmmm
ReplyDeleteHmmm, I have always started on the left side. And my hair is parted on the left side. But I'm right-handed. I can't figure out Hick's advice. Am I doing it wrong?
ReplyDeleteStephen,
ReplyDeleteThat's okay. I'm right-handed, but I can only deal cards left-handed.
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joeh,
Are you speaking for men only, or does this work for women as well? Are you endorsing what we might call a beltrosexual method of dressing?
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Kathy,
Doesn't He Who wear a belt? You'd better gather data on that activity as well.
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Linda,
I hope that's not just an excuse to survey that general region on unsuspecting males.
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Catalyst,
Believe me, you are not the first, nor the last, person who could not figure out Hick's advice. According to Hick, you would be a man because of your belt habits, but a woman due to your hairstyle. I hope this does not cause you undue stress when choosing a public restroom.
According to my theory, you are right-handed, because you can yank that belt tight with your right hand before poking the buckle pointy thing through the belt hole.
No offense, but I hope Hick's lessons don't catch on - I'd hate to worry any potential male suitors since I part my hair on the right and thread belts to the left.
ReplyDeleteWasn't that Hick giving etiquette lessons in the movie "A League of Their Own"?
ReplyDeleteTammy,
ReplyDeleteYou would be a worrisome conundrum for any fellas who held a diploma from Hick's House of Grooming and Etiquette Lessons for the Modern Man. Let's hope Hick can't get a business plan together. I know I won't rent him counter space in my proposed handbasket factory.
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Sioux,
No. That was Tom Hanks giving anatomy lessons: "Use your head. That's the lump three feet above your ass."
And you might be confused about the WOMAN teaching the players that "A lady reveals nothing," and "Eyebrows--there should be TWO." Perhaps she parted her hair on the right, and started her belt to the left.
I forgot to say. Since hearing of Hick's proclamations, I am going to study this matter and collect data. I am going to start staring at men's, uh, bottom halves, to see how they've belted their pants.
ReplyDeleteI hope they don't misread my staring for something else...
Sioux,
ReplyDeleteIt's a thankless job, but SOMEBODY has to take one for the team and immerse herself in this research. I will be looking for your results to be published in The Journal of Activity in Men's Bottom Halves.
I seriously doubt the average man would object to a woman staring at his bottom half. I'm surprised they don't adorn that region with one of those air-powered floppy dancing tube thingies to attract attention.