Val Almost Gave Hick One Less Thing To Do

T-Hoe is still waiting for an oil change. Hick is just SO BUSY. So busy that he asked me to search eBay for a display device for some wares at his SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5). Then he had to approve which one, and decided I should order two. He will reimburse our household coffers with his business money, but I will never get that hour of my life back, nor a thank-you.

See how helpful Val is to Hick? In fact, I even took a day-to-day duty away from him. Almost. You may recall that I'm pretty sure he's trying to kill me. Every attempt is different. Sunday night, I almost took that chore away.

Hick had already gone to bed. It was around 9:00, and I was sitting at the kitchen table with HIPPIE, skimming the innernets, and having a snack. That snack was a little bowl of COMBOS, the Pizza Flavor Pretzel version. They're little hollow pretzel tubes, filled with not-quite-cheese in a powdery form. I prefer the versions that have a hollow cracker rather than the pretzels, but they are hard to find, and the pizza flavor is okay.

Anyhoo... when I eat this snack, I bite them in half. Not because they're too big, but because if you leave them regular size, they need more chewing, and get soggy faster. So I bite them in half to eat them. Here is a re-creation, to show what my snack looks like:

I was near the last of my treat when I felt a sharp pain in my gums. The area behind my two front teeth. Huh! That smarted. But I thought nothing of it. Just a shard of pretzel. The pain went away quickly. Then I noticed that my mouth and lips felt really dry. I just had my metal water bottle there, having finished my Shasta Zero Sugar Cola, to which I add a fresh squeezed lemon, earlier in the evening. I took a sip of water, and then used half a select-a-size paper towel to blot my lips.

BLOOD!!!!

That paper towel looked like I had applied a whole tube of lipstick before blotting. I blotted again and again, with the same result. It was like the never-ending lipstick, only my lipstick was BLOOD! I went to the bathroom mirror, and saw that indeed, my lips were covered, and my tongue was coated with blood! That's not good!

Back to the kitchen, where I used a red SOLO cup for cold water to rinse my mouth. The spit came out bloody. Over and over! AND two raggedy hunks of gum-skin slipped down the drain! Again, there was no pain. Just a waterfall of blood that would not stop. In fact, as I sat at the table again, I could feel dripping from my gum to my bottom lip. 

All I could do was let it flow. It's not like you can put a bandaid on a cut behind your two front teeth. Holding a folded paper towel there with pressure did nothing. I had to keep swallowing, and blotting. It went on for two hours! You know any little wound on your face or scalp bleeds a lot. Same with the gums, I suppose. I take an aspirin a day, so I know my blood flows more, and more easily, than most people. But I was starting to get worried.

Good thing I'm no longer on that demon drug Xarelto! I literally could have exsanguinated! And poor Hick. Not only would he have been without my cheerful companionship, but he might have been blamed! The house would have looked like a crime scene! And that luminol stuff would have made the places I cleaned up glow with the evidence. Two drains would show that somebody had tried to wash off blood!

I should probably stop watching those how-to-murder-your-wife shows. And stop eating COMBOS, the pretzel version.