The World Moves Too Fast For Val

My Sweet Baboo took me to the movies today. Okay, actually, I had been waiting for this movie to come out, and I'd told him that when it did, we were going. So when I told him Friday that we were going to the 11:00 showing Sunday, Hick agreed. He likes going to the movies (mostly for the snacks, I suspect) but rarely got to accompany the boys and me because we went during the day, in the summers, when he was working.

Let the record show that Val has not been to the movies in quite some time. The last movie I vividly remember seeing in a theater was The Heat, when I took my mom. And maybe I went after that with Genius, to one of the Hunger Games movies. The second one, I think.

Things have changed at the theater!

We have a 4-plex nearby, over in bill-paying town. I like to go to the first showing on a Sunday morning, a result of shrugging off the mantle of my small-town celebrity all these years, and consciously avoiding students during my off-time. Of course no outing involving Val is without a glitch or two. But I'll take glitches. I am still celebrating the fact that I did NOT have a weirdo encounter.

Did you know that NOW, the staff at AMC Theatres does not fill your soda for you? It's true! They have a giant soda machine in the lobby, where you take your plastic cup and pour your own beverage. You would think, with all her 44 oz Diet Coke experience, Val would be right at home. Not so. This machine is HUGE! Thank goodness that if we have an earthquake HERE, the ground will swallow us whole, rather than that behemoth toppling over and slowly crushing the life out of me.

Hick, such a wizard with machines, stepped right up and pushed that lever and got his ice and then...and then...FROZE. He tried to touch the screen to select his soda (from a menu of 100+ choices!) and was about to fill his cup with CAFFEINE FREE Diet Coke. Well! I stopped him forthwith, and he figured out how to go back, and I showed him the plain old Diet Coke button! Then he had to tell me how to get ice (I don't know how I forgot that one) and I went right into that Diet Coke menu and selected...are you ready for this...Diet Coke with LIME! I set my plastic cup on the machine, right under the spigot, and

DIET COKE WITH LIME SPRAYED STRAIGHT OUT AND DRENCHED MY SHIRT!

Okay. Some of it went into my cup. But, being old and cantankerous now, and caring even less than a honey badger...Val did was quick to voice her displeasure.

"IT'S SPRAYING ALL OVER ME!"

Of course there was attendant there watching people. Kind of like those self-checkout monitors at Walmart. I know he was watching me, because he took one step from where he was loitering, leaning on the machine, and said, "I'm sorry, Ma'am. That was Diet Coke with Lime, right?" He fiddled and faddled with that machine, and then said, "The spigot was twisted. I fixed it now."

Yes. Well. He didn't have a blow-dryer to unsoak my shirt. Perhaps I should have taken my finger off of the Diet Coke with Lime button when the spraying started. But I wanted to fill my cup, by cracky!

Anyhoo...we proceeded to take our giant popcorn and vats of Diet Coke, and watch Fist Fight. You can't go wrong with a movie about teachers fighting. With the two biggest stars being Ice Cube and Tracy Morgan. I found this movie hilarious, but then I have simple tastes, and like really stupid movies, according to Genius.

There was one couple in the theater ahead of us, sitting about midway down on the other side. It could have been a mother and son, or a cougar and her prey. We took the next-to-last row on the left side of the theater. Only 4 seats in that row. So nobody would climb over us. With that Sunday morning crowd, you know.

Right as the movie proper started, three dudes came in. I think it was a dad and two sons, or a son and a friend. Of course they chose to sit in the row RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. At least that was a row with 8 seats, so they didn't block my view.

Being the smart sort, I had packed in my movie purse a baggie with 1/3 box of Sno-Caps, and a small gift bag left over from Christmas so that I didn't have to share a popcorn bag with Hick. He lets me hold it, but that job takes two hands, the way he digs into it. So I had him pour part of the popcorn from the AMC bag into my gift bag. Then I could sprinkle some butter flavoring on it, too.

You don't really want to be in a theater when Hick is eating popcorn. He digs his hand down into the bag, rustling the sides, crunching up the kernels, until he had the maximum kernelage in his mitt, and proceeds to cram that popcorn into his gaping maw by covering his mouth with that scoop, crumbling it against his lips until it all fits between his teeth. I kept SHUSHING him during the quiet parts, but his eating was so loud that he did not hear. Never mind the fact that he went for the refill before the movie had even started.

After the show was over, I had packed my glasses back into their case, and the case back into my movie purse. I put my extremely large soda cup on the floor beside my chair, because I knew that I would have to lean on the armrest to unfold my knees and stand for a moment before they were loose enough to walk. I had every intention of throwing my soda cup away. I had toyed with the idea of refilling it on the way out, but with a 20-minute ride home, and no foam cup, I figured I'd rather stop for my regular 44 oz Diet Coke. The movie one I'd filled with ice so that it would stay cold for 90 minutes. So I was only hydrating myself, really, and not overdoing it on Diet Coke.

As the outtakes were showing just before the credits rolled, a female usher stepped in and propped open the doors. While she was standing there, to make sure all seven of us exited in an orderly manner, is when I set my soda on the floor. While she was there, I even picked it up and took a sip, and put it back on the floor.

Well! The moment the credits started, I stood up. I told Hick, "I've got to stand here a minute, to loosen my knees." I know that usher gal heard me. The other five people left. I was turning to pick up my soda when Usher Gal close-talked me.

"Ma'am? Are you done with this soda?"

"Um...well...I guess so..."

SHE ALREADY HAD HER HAND ON IT! On the top, like you grasp it like a claw, over the lid.

"I'll just throw it away for you."

"I was going to do that." You know, I might have wanted another sip! I MIGHT have wanted to refill it on the way out, just to spite her!

As I was gimping along on the right knee that doesn't like to straighten out all the way, I turned and said pointedly to Hick, "You'd think I could have 30 seconds to stand up and grab my soda!"

Can you believe Hick took HER side? "Val. She was only being nice. She saw that you were having trouble, and picked it up for you to throw away."

Bull. I think Usher Gal was too aggressive. It's not like they give a Nobel Prize for Ushering.