At Weirdos Only Dot Com
Magnolia didn't know she was looking for love in all the wrong places. Or looking for love at all. Until her in-box blew up with unsuitable suitors. She politely rejected. Not interested in elderly gent Hubba-Hubba. College kid Pokingman18. Nor the earthy gal, SensibleShoes. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Magnolia plans a getaway from technology. She unplugs her laptop, stuffs it under a quilt in the closet, and heads for her childhood vacation home. For safety reasons, she calls How Much Wood Could a Woodchipper Chip, to arrange for a delivery before she arrives. Can't be too careful.
Just a-swingin', Magnolia is shocked when a stately gentleman yanks her chain. "I've been trying to find you. I'm Smart Ash. I saw your profile." As he leans over to whisper sweet somethings into her hearing aid, Magnolia feels a little prick on her shoulder. She looks down to see... (150 words)
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Fake Reviews
for Val’s Fake Book
The Sidler..."Good thing Smart Ash wasn't carrying TicTacs, or this fake story would have been over before it started! This fake book sneaks up on you. You don't really like it, but it's hard to get rid of. Just like the author."
Tom Cruise..."I am so excited about this fake book that I could jump on a couch to proclaim my love for it! Which doesn't mean I'm all that into it. I give it about six years. Then it'll be time for me to find another fake book."
Dennis Rodman..."I like this fake book so much that I wish it had been fake-written back in 1996, so I could have given it to myself as a wedding present. It would surely have had more staying power than my self-marriage. I never should have married myself on the rebound."
Vincent Van Gogh..."I put the EAR in wEIRdo, and I heartily recommend this fake book! The fake author paints with a wide brush, as perhaps a street urchin might have done in whitewashing Aunt Polly's fence after being hoodwinked by a young ne'er-do-well."
J. Edgar Hoover..."This fake book really blows my skirt up! If the fake author's background check comes back clean, I heartily recommend this inauthentic tome."
Howard Hughes..."I have holed up in my coffin to read this fake book over and over. I think I'm on reading number 150 at the moment. It would be 151, but my excessively long fingernails prevent me from turning the fake pages in a timely manner."
Penelope, SNL Character of Kristen Wiig..."Val Thevictorian fake wrote this fake book? Well...I fake wrote a faker book: At Humongous Weirdos Dot Net. So you should all fake-buy MY fake book. It's better. And I'm a faker author. Though not bigger."
The Sidler..."Good thing Smart Ash wasn't carrying TicTacs, or this fake story would have been over before it started! This fake book sneaks up on you. You don't really like it, but it's hard to get rid of. Just like the author."
Tom Cruise..."I am so excited about this fake book that I could jump on a couch to proclaim my love for it! Which doesn't mean I'm all that into it. I give it about six years. Then it'll be time for me to find another fake book."
Dennis Rodman..."I like this fake book so much that I wish it had been fake-written back in 1996, so I could have given it to myself as a wedding present. It would surely have had more staying power than my self-marriage. I never should have married myself on the rebound."
Vincent Van Gogh..."I put the EAR in wEIRdo, and I heartily recommend this fake book! The fake author paints with a wide brush, as perhaps a street urchin might have done in whitewashing Aunt Polly's fence after being hoodwinked by a young ne'er-do-well."
J. Edgar Hoover..."This fake book really blows my skirt up! If the fake author's background check comes back clean, I heartily recommend this inauthentic tome."
Howard Hughes..."I have holed up in my coffin to read this fake book over and over. I think I'm on reading number 150 at the moment. It would be 151, but my excessively long fingernails prevent me from turning the fake pages in a timely manner."
Penelope, SNL Character of Kristen Wiig..."Val Thevictorian fake wrote this fake book? Well...I fake wrote a faker book: At Humongous Weirdos Dot Net. So you should all fake-buy MY fake book. It's better. And I'm a faker author. Though not bigger."
"a little prick on her shoulder" (tee hee). How much for this fake book? Not a saw buck I hope, it's not worth the tree that was chopped down to make the paper it is fake written on.
ReplyDeleteHeh, heh. That was for your 13-year-old self!
DeleteThis fake book will cost you a bundle of greenbacks. Here I am, finally getting some positive reviews, and YOU, sir, are clearly cutting my hopes of a lush profit!
Val--NO one is safe, when it comes to your reviews. And that blurb's cliff-hanger ending... Bravo!
ReplyDeleteA happy accident with the ending...I ran out of words!
DeleteWho was the little prick that Magnolia felt? You've left us all fake hanging!!
ReplyDeleteMagnolia is in danger! And it's real!
DeleteThe little prick Magnolia felt (that's for YOU, Joe H!) was actually Smart Ash's name badge from his workplace...How Much Wood Could a Woodchipper Chip.
Tee Hee!
DeleteI hope no little pricks were harmed in the making of this story.
ReplyDeleteVal's cathouse is a safe zone for little pricks.
DeleteCan never trust those little pricks. I hope proper hygiene was followed. :)
ReplyDeleteMy story also went the risque route.
Well, that picture (and especially the guy in it) was just asking for it!
DeleteOMG J Edgar Hoover's comment. LOL.
ReplyDeleteNOBODY has secrets anymore!
DeleteOMG!! What did she see? Is she hurt? Did he pinch her or did he inject her with some date rape drug?? Or was the little prick a...little prick? I wish this was a real book so I would know what happened to her!!
ReplyDeleteIt was the name tag pinned on Smart Ash's shirt from his part-time workplace: How Much Wood Could a Woodchipper Chip.
DeleteSmart Ash is a serial dater. Who keeps running out of dates. Which one will get the other in the woodchipper first? Smart Ash has the most experience with that machine, but Magnolia will be the most desperate.