Hick Avoids the Lockup

Hick has more lives than a cat. He can be shot at twice in one week, wish to have a knife pulled on him by a crazy dude who puts tree limbs in the middle of the road, fall off a 10-foot ladder with no ill effects, stand in knee-deep water to turn off the electrical panel, and now...avoid the lockup due to roughing up Val.

Having Hick home two extra days a week is no picnic. He is underfoot. He makes me nervous. I can't concentrate. I try to avoid pushing his buttons (yeah, really!), in order to escape his wrath, which takes the form of hollering and throwing up his hands and slamming the door (could explain our bum doorknobs).

Anyhoo...Monday we had an appointment with our financial adviser to set up a portion of Hick's 401K for withdrawals. I made the appointment. I knew the time of the appointment. I told Hick, and we set a departure time.

As with any trip, long or short, Hick was fidgeting to leave a good 10 minutes before we had planned. All I had to do was step into my shoes, grab my purse, and go to the car. But we still had 10 minutes. No need to get there early. That's why it's called an APPOINTMENT. There's a designated time slot set aside for you.

Hick had already gone outside when I came out of the bathroom and turned off the TV.  But we still had 10 minutes. I'd rearranged my daily schedule for this outing, walking at noon instead of 4:00, and giving the dogs their evening snack, which they assume comes after the walk. They don't wear wristwatches, you know. However...by the time I was done walking, Jack had forsaken me to run over to the BARn and look for Hick. Juno got her share, but I saved Jack's for when I saw him. Which was the minute I opened up the kitchen door to go out to the garage and leave.

And there was HICK! Leaning against the rail on the back porch. He must have great confidence in his woodworking abilities, since he built the rail, and it's a 12-foot drop into the back yard. It was a bit unnerving, because I assumed he was sitting in the car fuming until I came out. But there was Jack, and his plate of cut-up hot dog was sitting on the kitchen counter.

"I'm just going to give Jack his evening snack, and then we'll go."

I went back around the sink peninsula and grabbed the plate. Hick stood silently, watching, as I leaned over to dump the sliced hot dog on the porch for Jack. He has a tiny mouth, you know. Jack. Not Hick. And needs his food cut up. My Sweet, Sweet Juno tried to crowd in and steal some, but I gave her a single slice, and leaned down to pet her to keep her away.

I sensed that Hick was annoyed. Just the way he was leaning. Ready to go.

"Okay. He's done. Let me grab my purse."

I stood up from the petting, and turned to go in.

CLANG!

I rang my bell pretty good. Smacked my face on the metal dinner bell Hick has mounted on the wall beside the kitchen door.

It's really a John-Deere-green-colored tractor on that wall mount, but it's got a lot of gravel-road dust coating it. I'm not sure whose job description includes the cleaning of the outside gewgaws.

The decorative six-shooter is another Hick treasure entirely. Not attached. I have no issue with it. I didn't almost split my eye open on the fake gunbelt.

Of course it was Hick's fault! Not mine. I know that bell is there. It's been there a good long time. If Hick hadn't been there, making me all nervous, I wouldn't have been in a hurry and spun around so fast upon standing. Yep. Truly Hick's fault, and none of my own.

Of course Hick just stood there. Didn't offer to see if I needed my eyeball popped back in. Didn't check to see if there was a gash and spurting blood. Just stood there. Shaking his head.

"I'm probably going to get a black eye from this! It REALLY hurts!"

"I don't know what to tell you, Val. That bell has been hanging there for years."

"Good thing I don't need stitches. I know they'd question me about what happened after I drove myself to the emergency room. They might think you slugged me."

"You'll be fine."

So much for sympathy. And even WORSE...I didn't even get a bruise! Barely a tiny little pink raised line where the contact occurred.

Let the record show that we arrived three minutes early for our appointment, and had to wait 10 minutes for our guy to finish a phone call.