Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Val's Real Descriptive Fast-Food Menu

As part of my personal public service pledge, I occasionally veer away from complaining long enough to inform denizens of the blogospere about pertinent matters such as feces transplants, pulmonary embolisms, and the joys abandoned black dogs can bring their rescuers.

Today I shall use my public service platform to help fast-food junkies make informed decisions. Food is not always as it appears in commercials, you know.

Val's Eclectic Fast Food Menu (in no particular order or sections).

Dairy Queen Blizzard
More like a Dairy Queen Monsoon. No matter what time of day, or what kind of weather I purchase my Monsoon...it is runny. Runny like Campbell's Chunky Soup. I might as well order a shake, because the shake would be thicker than my Monsoon. I used to think the workers made it as soon as I ordered, and let it sit on the counter until I pulled up to the drive-thru window. Nope. The last one I saw created right before my eyes. And it was still runny. My best old ex-teaching buddy Mabel says I should ask them to turn it upside down at the counter. That's how they advertise the Monsoons. The cardboard cup even has a picture of the Monsoon upside down. Doesn't matter if it's a mini or a small, all Monsoons are runny. Don't take the spoon, ask for a straw.

Hardee's Cheeseburger
Not so much a cheeseburger as a large seeded bun sandwiching twin lakes of ketchup and mustard, with pickle chips the size of York Peppermint Patties. Somewhere, there's a wafer of charbroiled meatness, but it's hard to find. The hint of cheese is easily confused with the mustard.

Hardee's Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders
Elongated chicken nuggets fried up in peanut oil with batter crispy enough to break a tooth. The term breading is used loosely, as no bread is evident, only oily hard flour leavings.

Taco Bell Supreme Beef Burrito
A quilt-sized flour tortilla folded like the maker was taking a stab at the old "You Can't Fold A Piece Of Paper In Half More Than Seven Times" challenge. Once you have gnawed your way through one end, you might find the dollop of sour cream and shreds of lettuce with a light coating of red sauce interspersed with several cubes of diced tomato and a couple slivers of cheese. After that bite, you'll get into the burrito proper for two bites of bean paste and intermittent crumbs of a meatish product touted by one of my school lunch companions (who teaches nutrition) to be worm protein.

Ponderosa/Bonanza Steakhouse
You can order a variety of steaks, but don't ask for a chopped steak any other way than well done. They won't make it rare because they're afraid of spreading E. Coli or Mad Cow Disease. The food bar items poured right out of cans, sometimes heated to lukewarmity, full of salt and a chemical taste that's hard to describe. The food tastes as if it has been stored underground in a missile silo since the Cold War.

Little Caesar's Pizza
Crust that, once-cooled, has the consistency and flavor of drywall. Topped with a tiny bit of sauce and tasteless cheese.

Pizza Hut Pizza
Nondescript crust covered with a lake of salty sauce and a miniscule amount of cheese, sprinkled with two or three pieces of each topping.

Imo's Pizza
Best described by a work colleague as "Velveeta on cardboard." I must say, I'm all for Velveeta on cardboard if it tastes like Imo's. I'm a fan of the square beyond compare.

If that's not enough to encourage you to heat up your own food in the oven, or warm it in the microwave at home, I don't know what is.

Feel free to review your own restaurant non-favorites in the comments.

11 comments:

  1. Jersey cocktail - Dirty water over ice, maybe a hint of whiskey!

    NY/ Jersey pizza - Anything else is just sauce over dough.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I too am a fan of Velveeta on cardboard, and I used to like Taco Bell before I read the phrase, "worm protein." And will always adore black abandoned dogs...and cats.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Give me Imo's any day. We have gone on a healthy food kick: today: spinach, Brussels sprouts, asparagus, blueberries, strawberries, watermelon, tilapia fish, golden skin-on mashed potatoes, a dozen chocolate covered pretzels and now, my intestines are striking up the band.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Maybe Blizzards don't turn to Monsoons here because our temps hang around below zero. Our Pizza Hut Super Supreme is just that. But if you wanna see scary fast food check out the new Happy Meal box.

    http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/21-pics-prove-new-happy-meal-box-scariest-thing-ever

    ReplyDelete
  5. McDonalds fries--either no salt whatsoever, or enough salt that I feel like I'm a deer at a salt lick...

    ReplyDelete
  6. I've always been a fan of Imo's and so I'm glad you didn't say anything too horrible about that... and eww worm protein.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I really think The Olive Garden delivers mediocre food. I used to go there back in the days when they put a full jug of wine on the table and you only paid for what you drank. They stopped doing that, probably because people were pouring water into the jug.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stephen,
      So...they were turning wine into water?

      I have never been to Olive Garden. Not because I'm so classy, but because the ONE time my sister the ex-mayor's wife tried to strong-arm us into going, in Branson, MO...the line was way too long and I told Hick to take us somewhere quicker.

      Delete
  8. joeh,
    Thanks for the review. I did not feel qualified to describe the dirty-water cocktail myself, since I have never imbibed one. I think Chicago might battle you over your pizza claim. Better watch out if they start throwing slices. You are under-armed.

    *****
    Tammy,
    Sorry for the worm protein. She started out by saying Taco Bell does not use the pink slime anymore. We are not thrilled to have her feast with our lunch shift every day.

    Let the record show that the black abandoned dogs and cats are adored for their loyalty...not for their taste.

    *****
    Linda,
    Sorry, I shall not be attending the concert given by your descending colon. My own descending colon echos for lack of a melody being written by my stomach. I got up at 5:30, had breakfast at 6:30, and did not get lunch until 2:30. The venue is empty.

    *****
    Leenie,
    I scream, you scream, we all scream when presented with a Happy Meal!

    Congrats on your firm Blizzards.

    *****
    Sioux,
    Thank you, Madam! You just reminded me that I left out the Burger King Original Chicken Sandwich. A patty of pressed sodium chloride enclosed by a spongy tough bun, which will send you gasping for a 4444 oz. Diet Coke.

    *****
    Lynn,
    I was gentle with your sweet, sweet Imo's. Yes, worm protein. I'm shocked, SHOCKED that Taco Bell does not use that in their marketing campaign...

    ReplyDelete
  9. We don't have so many choices here. Dairy Queen here will not honor coupons and is notorious for being slow. McDonalds has yet to get an order correct (10 years), but I do love a vanilla iced coffee after mowing my acre of prep. Never had Imo's, but I do love a Casey's Pizza every now and again. They have a cheese burger pizza and a supreme that we indulge in when I can't manage to cook. Of course, after 10, you get a free one. That is my incentive!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Kathy,
    Oh, a Dairy Queen? You must get the Blizzard. Especially if you're dehydrated.

    I LOVE Casey's pizza. Yes. We rip that coupon off the box every time. It is SO filling. The pizza, not the coupon. The Pony loves their cheese bread, so we like those months when the special is free cheese bread with the purchase of a large pizza. Hick has connections, and they let him use the free coupons for the pizza, and STILL get the free cheese bread. A meal for nothing. WooHoo!

    ReplyDelete