Thursday, September 26, 2013

This Just Might Be Our Lackluster Finale

I called my mom a couple of nights ago. She's been having adventures without her negative-ten-dollar daughter!

"Oh, I took seven bags of trash to the landfill. That guy there thinks he knows me. He's always so friendly. I just play along. I've never seen him before in my life, except when I go to the landfill. I can't keep from talking to him. I said, 'Well, I sure didn't dress up to come over here. I guess you saw this hole in the knee of my pants.'"

"No you didn't!"

"I did! I didn't know what else to say to him."

"He probably thinks you're a crazy homeless lady. What was he wearing?"

"Oh, he was dressed up!"

"What do you mean? Like a three-piece suit? To throw trash bags?"

"No, but he really looked nice. He was wearing some kind of uniform thing. Like a vest. Bright yellow."

"I guess that qualifies as dressed up, compared to you. Get those pants ready! We're going to pay the bills Friday afternoon, and we're stopping by Arby's again!"

"Well, I hate to tell you this, but yesterday I sewed up that hole. I was just sitting here in the recliner, and I thought, 'I need to fix these pants.' So I did it while I was wearing them."

"What did you use, a fish bone and an unraveled hank of rope?"

"No! I used a needle and black thread, so it matched."

"Those pants are gray."

"Well, I think it looks pretty good."

"I guess we're lucky you didn't use the sewing machine. It might have been hard to balance on one leg while you put your knee up there."

"That's right! Oh, and I meant to tell you, you know how I went for that test to look at my kidneys?"


"Well, (mom burst into giggles, hardly able to squeeze out her news), that technician said my kidneys looked fine, but (HA HA HA HA HA HA) THEY FOUND GALLSTONES!"

"What? Why are you laughing?"

"I just think that's so funny. They (HA HA HA HA HA HA) found (HA HA HA HA HA HA) gallstones! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"You know, Mom, the things I find funny, and the things YOU find funny are a little different. A man carrying a snake by the tail for 100 yards to throw it down a sinkhole, yes. Gallstones? Not really."

"Oh, (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA), I know. I just (HA HA HA HA HA HA) can't help it! Whew. I think I'm done. So...we're going to Arby's again?"

"Yeah. Don't you want to?"

"Yes. But last week when I went in and ordered all those sandwiches, I could see a boy and a girl in the back, the ones folding all those sandwiches, looking through that opening at me."

"I'm sure they were just thinking, 'There's that crazy lady with the hole in her pants. She looks like she's full of gallstones.'"

"Oh, stop it!"

"Well, lay out your pants with the stitched-up hole. We're going to have a good time."

"I know. We always have a good time. Is The Pony asking to spend the night again?"

"He can't this weekend, because he has to work at the car show for the band. And anyway, you need to understand that if you have a gallbladder attack while he's at your house, you shouldn't expect him to help you. He will be entirely indifferent."

We are all three looking forward to our little expedition. The negative-ten-dollar daughter. The darned-pants-wearing septuagenarian chock full of gallstones. And the boy who does not care enough to help rescue people in danger.

We might end up in a jail cell for a year after violating the Good Samaritan Law.


  1. I hope you know that your mother sounds wonderful.

  2. Stephen is wrong. Your mother sounds like an eternal fountain, spouting forth writing fodder without ever ceasing...

  3. What an adventure! Your upcoming expedition sounds like fun.

  4. Dressed abright yellow vest. Your mom is a hoot. Buy her a bag of Arby's.

  5. Stephen,
    Yes. I think I'll keep her. I'll tend her like an ant tends an aphid, because she provides me with sweet, sweet stories.

    She is an artesian well of tales! She never runs dry. No drought for me!

    We laughed ourselves silly. Mostly over my story of the kids who drew for secret Santas, then told each other who they had, then re-drew, then told again, then decided on secret pumpkins, then set a limit of $300 per gift. Yeah. I can't make this stuff up. Mom is a very receptive, if captive, audience.

    Now I will worry when Mom tells me I look nice. I need to get one of those vests.