Monday, September 30, 2013

I Might Be Changing the Name of My Garage Band From "Mommy's Got a Headache" to "Other Dogs' Anuses."

Well. I seem to be slipping in popularity with my students. It took until 5th hour for them to comment on my haircut. That is unheard of! Usually the adoration kicks off right after first bell. Perhaps they are still basking in my celebritydom, and not wanting to draw attention to themselves with an untimely inquiry.

This new coif makes me feel all special. Excuse me while I spin around and burst into song. Somebody get a helicopter, quick, to record some aerial shots.

"How do you solve a problem like my Juno?
How do you catch a borador and tie her down?
How do you change behavior in my Juno?
A Walmart-bag-sniffer, a yard-turkey chaser, a hound?

Many a thing you know I'd like to tell her.
Many a thing she ought to understand.
But how do I make her stay, and listen to all I say?
How do I keep her nose out of my mouth..."

Yes. You read that right. Nose. Mouth. Juno's nose. My mouth. Juno's nose was in my mouth!!! That can't be sanitary. No way. No how. Ugh! I've been kissed by a dog! I have dog germs! Get the hot water! Get some disinfectant! Get some iodine! Hey, it worked for Peanuts Lucy.

Juno got a little carried away during our lovefest upon my return from grocery shopping. Normally, she lays her head on my chest so that her nose is against my neck. Or under my chin. No, I'm not a contortionist, and Juno is not five feet tall. She stands on the side porch while I stand on the sidewalk to the garage.

I don't know what got into my sweet, sweet Juno. Instead of the loving, chuffing, hot dog breath on my throat, I was treated to a wet, rubbery, dog nose in my mouth. It was like an extra-large Jujube in texture, though not at all like a Jujube in taste.

I recoiled in horror! Had I just bitten into a dog's nose? It wasn't my fault, actually. I was talking at the time Juno made her move. And VOILA! Instant dog nose!

Do you have any idea where a dog's nose has been? If we were to take Google Street View and turn it into Dog Nose View, I'm sure we would be privy to shots of other dogs' anuses, dripping dogs' urethras, the waxy insides of other dogs' ears, the crusty corners of other dogs' eyes, logs of other dogs' poop, cow pies of the pasture kind, steaming innards of once-fluffy bunnies, liquified possum carcasses, and grass, lots of grass, to clear the canine nasal palate.

I hope that Juno's schnoz was not damaged. That I did not nick her with an incisor and drip my saliva into the cut. I wouldn't want my sweet, sweet Juno to succumb to a nose-eating infection.

A human mouth is full of bacteria, you know.


  1. Legend has it that God gave dogs cold, wet noses as a gift of thanks for saving Noah’s Ark from sinking. According to the story, the ark sprung a leak and a dog quickly stuck his nose into the small hole to keep the ship from flooding. Maybe dear Juno mistook that smooth flow of Val Verbage for a flood and she didn't want to go down with the ship.

  2. My parents old dog used to French kiss me. It was the most action I had seen in years.

  3. I've heard that licking certain frogs can get you high, but licking a dogs nose, or just having it in your mouth, gives me the willies. Not saying it hasn't happened to me, though.

  4. You will be fine, I have endured dog's nose touching my eyeball ever since Toni Louise entered our house. I have encountered no illness and I can still see!

  5. That is funny! Not sure if the five second rule goes for a dog's nose.

    My post tomorrow makes a reference to the same song...I did not copy...HONEST!!

  6. What kind of animated delicacies do you country folk have? Hot dog breath? Your hot dogs actually breathe? Geeze Louise! I've heard of hot dog water, but I guess you guys don't use BBQ grills or frying pans or pots of hot water to subdue your hot dogs.

    You live in a terrifying place. Maybe you need to "Climb Every Mountain" and escape that scary territory you call home.

  7. Oh stopppppp, I am laughing out loud and will never again be able to look you in the face and not see an ass sniffer in your mouth.

  8. Leenie,
    I understand that I am a bit verbose, That I am a regular Chatty Cathy. I get that from my mom. But I swear you are taking things too far when you compare my habit of running off at the mouth to the great flood!

    Some things, perhaps, are better off kept private. I know that's hard to believe after reading about my fairly-recent INDISPOSEDNESS in the workplace. The last person I gave this advice to was a substitute librarian who complained that she simply couldn't stay awake, and slept for hours at a time during the work day in her library office.

    Of course, you were not cheating the boss out of any salary with your French-kissing canine make-out sessions.

    I think you can get the same result from a millipede. I saw it in Madagascar. The movie, not the vacation hotspot. I'll have to ask Hick. He's the one who scoops up those intruders and tosses them off the back porch. Not that we are infested with millipedes, mind you. Only two have been caught.

    We seriously need to replace the weatherstripping on the basement door.

    You are equating eyeballs with tongues. Remember that the next time you want a little taste of something like...oh...I don't know...CHEX MIX! Since Toni Louise is the closest thing to Juno, I will take your word for my safety from canine cooties.

    You silly dirty-water drinker! I didn't DROP Juno's nose! The five-second rule does not apply to canine snot/human saliva mingling.

    I am now off to read your work of flibbertygibbet inspiration. Great minds think alike, I suppose.

    I assure you, Madam, that under the proper millipede influence, our hot dogs do indeed draw breath. There is no need for escape. Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good. I simply remember my favorite things when the hot dog breath bites. Besides, I detest heights, and have no desire to visit a lonely goatherd standing high on a hill.

    I'm afraid that reason for not being able to look me in the face is going to be quite a ways down the list.